I’m new to this site. I’ve wanted to end my life for as long as I could remember, but not completely or else I wouldn’t be here typing this.
I have a one year old daughter that I don’t want to be without. She gives me the air to breath and the look on her face when mommy is so hysterical, I can tell she’s not actually worried, but just wants her momma happy. She gives me strength in every day and that’s why I am here. It’s just getting so hard…
I’m the wife of an ex-military man. My husband has spent two years away in Iraq and each time, came back a different person. I’m scared of him because I feel like he’s been desensitized. He is completely insensititve to anyhing. Previously we’ve faught and always managed to get along great after talking it though. But now that he is out of the military we moved back to our hometown. First,this was a mistake for me because when I left this town it was because I found myself pregnant in my first year of college (with my now husband) and my four best friends that I thought would be there through anything, decided that since I couldn’t drink nor smoke, I was chopped liver. Secondly it was a mistake because of my husband’s family. I have never met more wretched people in my entire life. His mom has got to be clinical insane, I kid you not. After so many therapists, it just has to be something. Going back three years, to when my husband and i decided to get married. His mom’s response was that if we wanted my husband’s uncle to wear anything other than dirty jeans we had to pay. Not to mention this is the same time that my husband and I are bouncing checks and can’t figure out why. Well, apparently she felt she was owed money and decided to forge my husband’s signature for 500$. She told everyone in the family that I ruined my husband and that i was the reason that he didn’t want to hang out with the family– as if a family full of ex-heroin addicts, current alcoholics and want to be pot heard wasn’t reason enough.
We moved back to our hometown and shit has just hit the fan. I have hit him in self defense. The night before our anniversary he tried to put me in jail. If you knew me, you would know this is completely opposite of what I expected out of my husband.
in the past he was been in-trouble for pulling a loaded gun on his first wife and been imprisoned for assault charges while i was 8 months pregnant.
Just ahead a bit and here we are 2010. Baby is 1 and i think the last two weeks has been the first time since she was born that I even had help in the middle of the night.
My husband made remarks to me about how I have no friends, my family wont even talk to me, you have nothinhg.
I think he’s right. I’ve always been a cutter,but felt that I was growing from it for so long. Not since 12 had i taken a knife back to my arms and wrists. but that first cut felt like it every person that hurts me was a few feet away,. then i just got carried away like when i was 12. i just want to keep something else. something more than having your husband say, “i don’t like you and i think you should leave. you’re not talking to your family and you have no job.” once he picked our one year old up and asked her if mommy was a good mommy and then told her to shake her head no. in the moment i wanted to do nothing more than chew up a few klonopin and start cutting. cutting feels like its the only ay to get that feeling out.
tonight i was told that my family doesn’t love me (which I am starting to believe), he doesn’t like me or love me at all, and that everyone i have every met has told my husband that i am the meanest person ever.
i just want to hurt myself or die. but i feel selfish dying without having anything to leave her. help?
2 comments
Dear missconfused, you probably don’t want to hear this, but you need to leave your husband, he is abusing you, psychologically anyway, if not in other ways. I’ve been there, stayed far too long! He is destroying your self-esteem and your soul, get out!
You are worth the world to your baby, you owe her not just to stay alive, but to offer her a safe and happy home, and for that you need to heal yourself. If you need to, talk to me on geli-p@bigpond.net.au, I am 45, and lived in an abusive marriage for 11 years, but I eventually got out, and rebuilt my life. So can you!
I fully agree with abuse survivor, entirely. He is fucking with your mind and it’s not good for you. You need to leave and start anew. Find a new place. Pull yourself together because YOU ARE STRONG.
If you’ve been through this bullshit for so long and continue to walk this very day, you can do anything. You’re a survivor. You’re a strong person. Do it for yourself and for your daughter.
Don’t kill yourself. Chances are if you do, you’ll hurt your daughter. Don’t let your daughter suffer the same shit you have. Make her life better than yours. Make sure your daughter gets a happy life for herself. That’s the least you can do for her after bringing her into this world.
Best of wishes to you, missconfused.