i’ts been about 5 years, i think, since my pain started.
i think the problem is that whenever i have a different way of thinking, different taste or different reaction towards a conversation or joke (these are examples), people around don’t get it and don’t take it seriously for some time. all they do is saying “that’s stupid. everything you say is bullshit”. they say they’re my friends, and some of them even say “you wouldn’t be in the place where you are if it weren’t for us”. but what troubles me the most is the fact that my opinion has been considered unnecessary and disposable – even worse: although i’m the oldest among a lot of people in the group, they treat me like a child (i hate that)… if they speak about something serious (like a fight between someone)Â they exclude me and say “if you get in the middle, you’ll only do bullshit”. my right to speak has been deleted for 3 years. and becaused i’m not allowed to speak and that my opinion is being considered a “big bullshit”, like they say, i start to feel so terribly angry that it starts to be difficult to whistand the pain. I’m the type of “let’s be friends with everyone. where’s the problem if he’s a headbanger or a hip-hoper, a black or a chinese, an extremely inteligent or dumb?”. however, in the group where i am, this filosophy doesn’t seem to work. when they see me complimenting someone they don’t like, they stare at me and laugh as if i was doing something stupid. they’ve been doing this for years, almost every day and because of that constant paingrowth i feel useless and unable to live.
but that’s not the only problem. my parents consider themselves as my “best friends”, but whenever i try to explain that i’m not comfortable with something, they say it’s unnecessary to feel that way and that i’m only weak (of course they say things even worse, but i dunno why whenever i try to remember something bad, i cant remember it). To sum it up, they judge me. Specially my father, who gets happy if i agree with him but gets angry whenever i don’t agree with him.And whenever i do something wrong, people treat me like trash.
There is something that makes me a little proud, though: the work i do. i’m at university right now and i finished highschool with an average of 18/20. but since i arrived at university, i’ve only been sinking. the university where i am is the most demanding in my country, but that’s not the problem. the problem is that since i went to highschool i’ve been unnable to find out what i really wanted to do and now i don’t want to be anymore in the course where i am. i want to conclude university but i dont even know what i want. when i talked about what i wanted or about what were my thoughts, the others just kept on judging, giving me no choice but to shut up and hold the rage. During these past weeks, i tried to kill myself through starvation because i’ve no path to follow, the work in the university is too much to fulfill in one day and because my parents only judge and say that i’m trying to follow the easy way. they don’t even know how difficult a student life is because they didn’t studied as far as where i am right now. i’m like a hollow thing right now. i can’t work nomore and i just want to disappear.
And there’s something more that troubles me: the fact that i had to support pain during my adolescence and, because of that, i didn’t profit these past years correctly. I’ve been mocked by everyone and i’ve been unable listen to what i really want.
My problem is nothing compared to other cases even worse. But it angers me to now that during these years there was no one that made an effort to understand what i wanted and what i said. I don’t even have the right to have personal tastes because if i had there would be someone right in the corner to judge or to laugh at me. it’s been like this for years.
I cant write everything here. Furthermore, i cant even remember very well what people did to me these years. i only know i feel a horrible pain and that pain is here because of the people around.