365 days till i die….

Hi to all, my “name” is Serafino, i am 38 years old Italian living in NY . I decided to write my memoirs and end my life in 365 days from today. which makes it 2012. As you can see, English is not my first language, neither my second one. So i will do my best to spell and use the appropriate grammar. Some of you would ask what does it take to think about ending your own life. Why somebody would do that? The world is so beautiful and full of beautiful thing to see. But my question to you is if it’s really worthed to stick around and see these things. Sure, i love to travel and i love to enjoy life, but not alone.

At 38,i feel like  a loser, like somebody who hasn’t accomplish anything in life except savings and an apartment right outside NYC. I have never finished my college and i feel like a big loser, without a family, without a person to dedicate my hard working life, to adore and to come home to when i am finished working. Yes, i think now you understand what my writing and thinking is directed to. A missing companion, someone that would cheer at my accomplishments and help me during hard times. Someone to have children with  and start something worth living.

Some people maybe had problems in childhood, have been molested or had harsh times growing up, and can blame their life problem on those anchors. Unfortunately for me, i have had none of those, and can’t blame my parents, brothers or sister for my problems today. And i can’t really blame my numerous friends that still today call me and text from Italy on a weekly basis, thanks to technology and FB. Unfortunately, my friends are the most part in Italy. In New York friends are such a rare thing, especially in the business i am in today, restaurant business. I work nights and weekends and that is taking a big toll on my life.

I guess the downturn for me started when i met this girl in march 2010. JJ from brooklyn, the one person that took me to the heavens with her presence, but also the person that sent me to hell 2 months later when she decided she didnt want a serious relationship. I was in love with her the first time i saw her. I am not kidding, i have slept with many girls, but this one had something that i felt was the missing puzzle from my life. I lost 25 lbs just after i started dating her and wasn’t that fat before that. after the breakup i also lost my job and started thinking about ending my miserable life.

I hate my line of work now, because i see all the couples coming in to eat in the restaurant and i get really sad that i cannot have what they have a normal life. I also tried to change line of job, but even if i am skilled with computer and languages and many others skills, i don’t have a bachelor degree backing me up. I own my apartment, have money saved and other things, and after a few months of sabbatical time in Europe i reentered the USA and now i am looking for a job, which is very hard to find.

The reason why i gave myself 365 days before i finish my life, is because i have to organize everything for my loved ones. Sell my apartment, congregate my money in one account, sell my bikes, my car and other things that they will not be able to bring back to italy when i will be gone. I want them to suffer the least amount after i am gone.

If a miracle would happen, like getting a good job where i feel that i can make some money where i can really think about affording a normal life without keep thinking about money money money… then things would change a bit. Maybe i would be able to afford a regular schedule with less than 70 hours a week job, with nights and weekends free, and with the time to actually go out and meet girls..  But at this point i think it is hard that things wold change so dramatically form me.

I think this smal essay is a concentration of my thoughts and feeling, that maybe i should write a book about it and make money, that maybe i should ask everybody to donate 99c and what me die, so that if by mistake don’t die, when i would wake up i could be rich and start a life..

thanks for reading and i will probably post my thought from time to time.

Serafino