Its strange, you read about people who hurt themselves and want to die and you thing “thats a bunch of bull, no one in the right mind would do that.” As far as I can tell i am in the right mind. I try to act normal and cheerful, and people don’t seem to notice how i’m feeling because thats how i have always hidden it. Some days i let my wall come down a little and people ask me whats wrong, and immediately a cover up and return to my usual, fake self.
Compared to most people i’m nothing, i’m a lier who tells herself she is going to do something but never does it. I lie to others about my self, and a betray others to fit in. I just feel alone.
I hate to complain but after 14 years of life nothing has lifted me, it seems I was happier as a kid. I always push others away, yet I long to have friends. My best friend in elementary school, I suspect, never really liked me, and although I long to have close friends, it seems as if as soon a i think i’m close with someone they stop “liking” me.
Guys don’t like me, probably because i’m not the prettiest girl and I act a little emotionless around them. When ever i get close with I guy, I end up screwing it up. I dote on the past too much, i think i’m falling for the guy i liked in elementary school, again. The last guy I liked if my friend, but it seems as if he doesn’t notice.
Why don’t people see themselves, as they are? Why do people lie to themselves?
I’m a bit of an oxymoron, I think i’m scarred of leaving my little bubble, my own world. I long to speak my mind and to hear the truth from others, but at the same time I am terrified of it. I feel alone and I hate it, but when i’m around people I want to be alone. I’m scarred of dieing, it probably wont lead me to any better place, it will just be a waist, and the worst thing is i’m reluctant to live.
I hate decisions, they always end up badly. I just want to sleep it off, but i can’t seem to fall asleep. I’m scared of what is happening to me, is this normal for a 14 year old.