I hate this so much. I’m starting to feel paranoid again.
I’m really fucking tired of you following me. And I’m really fucking tired of you saying that you know me.
If I have to chew you out when I see you next time, believe me, I will NOT hesitate to do so.
Disregarding that, I feel really selfish. I don’t know. I feel like I’m getting more and more distant from people in general. It’s not like I’m wanting to, it’s just that I feel secluded even when I’m in a group of people. It’s almost like I just don’t belong there or that if I just vanished it wouldn’t make a difference.
But I feel selfish because I feel like me not telling them my feelings is shutting them out.
It’s not bad to at least TRY to be happy for a change, right?
But then again, they say they love me and that they want to help me, so don’t they naturally want to know?
I’ve always been that person to put other people’s needs before my own. I always tried to make sure that other people besides me were happy. The only way I needed my friends was to vent. But my venting tends to wear them out. I complain too much, I have too many problems, I’m too messed up; it’s gotten to the point where I feel like if I tell them what I’ve been thinking about these last few months, they’ll just roll their eyes and tell me that it’s just another one of my problems and that it’s not a big deal or maybe that I shouldn’t feel this way or “Just try to look at the bright side of things.”
And after that, I always feel even worse. Worse because I feel like they don’t need to deal with my problems. Worse because the hardest thing to hear when you have a condition like mine is “Things will get better” or “Just try to be happy” or “Life is beautiful, why would you waste that?”. And way worse because it’s like I wasted their time. Instead of them knowing me as the happy-go-lucky people pleaser I portray, I’m this gloomy weird girl that they don’t even know anymore.
So I ask: Am I selfish for wanting them to not know? Is it wrong of me to let them be happy instead of dragging them down with me? Is it wrong of me to want them to actually have ‘normal’ problems instead of my fucked up ones?