I am 22. I don’t know how I am still alive. My life has been… fraught … I was molested by a priest at 5, then by my mother (who was a histrionic narcissist) from around 7 to 14. I was raped at 16. Kicked out of home at 15. My mother died after having cancer for 7 years 6 years ago, at Christmas. I was bulimic and cut myself as a teenager for years. I have been in therapy, hospitalized and medicated. My parents moved countries before my mother died, leaving me to fend for myself since 16. I have had 3 serious suicide attempts. About 6 month ago I started stripping, because I literally had no money for food, was unemployed, in a new country, with all my student loan repayments weighing on me and NO ONE left to ask for money.
I have travelled with the money from the stripping, but since arriving in this city, I can’t work. I mean, I can’t bring myself to do it. But I need money. So I am *this* close to becoming a prostitute.
I haven’t left the apartment I’m staying in in days. I’m almost out of money, won’t be able to eat soon… I think about killing myself obsessively, but I don’t want to get blood on the carpet. And I’m too afraid to leave the apartment. Also, the guy who lives here is away, and he’s so nice, I don’t want him walking in on my corpse in a few weeks.
No-one knows these things about me. I finished high school, then university with good grades. I’m in a creative industry and on my way to building a career for myself. According to them. I have always had relatively normal relationships, boyfriends, friends. I have been ‘stable’ for a long time, according to them.
I haven’t spoken to friends or my brother in weeks, they think I’m happy, working on a novel, living it up in the big city.
After my last suicide attempt I felt clarity, purpose, hope, spirituality awakened… it only lasted a few months, but it was nice.
Where did it go? Why don’t I feel hope anymore?
I am
lost.
4 comments
I feel so sorry for you, your story is just too much for one person to handle. I know this might no mean a thing to you, but if you´ve survived this far, you are unbelievably strong person. But I know myself that being strong doesn´t mean you survive, it just means that you have better chances to survive than others. I´m just saying, don´t give up yet. Life has given you bad cards, really bad cards, but if you´ve survived this far, nothing should stop you. I really hope something good will happen to you, from all my heart.
Thank you for reminding me I’m strong…
Body to a girl is just a commodity.
Many sell it to a boyfriend, or a husband, for free, but asking for a price at the end that’s ridiculous.
Some even as sluts to sell their soul with flesh as bait, and asking no money in return, but all they’ll receive at the end are their own damaged souls.
Who are to be despised ? I’ll just leave it open for all to decide.
Those declare themselves rich with money, but no purpose to live.
Who are they to deserve to live as fine, when they can be silent standingby and just watch the dog being savagely beaten and its eyes could only stare desperately in pain and whine through the air,
while these people just keep saying they are damn good in heart just not to be involved.
Blood, though thick and precious, many are willing to give for free.
Money, dirty and foul, but damn good to keep.
Fight to win is for own good, but if not for righteous battle, what’s good at all then if you are the only one left.
Wow… I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this… For one person to have to deal with all of that must be SO incredibly hard. But, I would like to tell you, as the famous song says, “It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart.” You have over come SO much in your life, don’t stop now. There is a reason why you are here… you may not see it now, but keep going and one day you will.