‘Dealing’ with it.

How do i ‘deal’ with it, if its all i can think about ? My best friends are pretty much what keeps me living, and my music of course. Anything sharp, makes me think of cutting. Whenever i go in the pool, i can’t help but think of drowning. My shower door, how it fogs up, reminds me of blood. So basically everything reminds me of dying.

Yes, i like the pain, which makes me weird, but its better than what i live through. No, i wasn’t raped or had family murdered, but i’m closed in. I can tell my friends everything, but whenever im around my family (which is all the time) I box in, which makes me moody, and depressed all the time, and gives me a short temper. I’m not depressed like i was a couple of years ago, but i cut. I’ve cut in about 15 places on my wrist, just with a letter opener so it doesn’t bleed, but still leaves the never healing scars.

I’m that insecure, that i’m easily jelous of my friends, as at the moment, with recent breakups with other friends, i’m not the most popular person in the world. I shouldn’t be depressed, i should be happy. But with my family picking me apart, i don’t know if i want to take it any longer. It drives me up the wall, makes me fall asleep crying, and lash out of everyone.

I know who i can trust, but im scared that at any moment, they will just leave me hanging since im moody at the moment. I’m really scared, cause they are all i’ve got, and i really need them to survive. Theres only two of them, but it keeps my life in the balance.

I never thought i’d say this, but i wish i was at school. School was distracting, it was with my friends, and away from family who so oftenly accused me of everything, not just me, but my sister did too.

So, i’m hanging off the edge, and not sure what to do. Scared to talk to a proffessional, since my parents will find out, but more scared of what will happen to me, if i keep closing this in.