That’s how long the Christmas call with my parents lasted. They made sure all of the relatives had left before calling me so no one had to talk to the black sheep of the family who got fired. Never mind that my mother has been unemployed for more than a decade.
They kept telling me to cheer up, that there are jobs out there if I just look hard enough. Really? Why don’t you try? I live in fucking rural Wisconsin. I can’t afford to move because I owe more on my house than it’s worth (memo: the American dream is dead and you should never try to own property if you aren’t wealthy) so I would have to pay extra money just for the privilege of losing where I live.
So that’s that. Good to know that if I kill myself they can just shake their head and say I wasn’t worth saving.
2 comments
Yeah, the government really got one over on us, didn’t they? I really can empathize with you. There seems to be nowhere to save ourselves hence the popularity of this site. I think a dark cloud has descended upon the world that has been forming for quite awhile. The bright side is that I could give a damn about anything material. That’s just a losing battle trying to maintain what we had knowing that there are more losses to come. So I’m not materialistic. I never lived beyond my means and still can keep up with my house but who the hell really cares? I mean, what am I doing it for? The world is just not going to get better.
I’ve been the bed for a week. I have nothing to get up for except to eat. That I do quite well. All I think about is ending it and I am making arrangements for that right now. Today was the first day I thought I might be a little scared while doing it. I guess that’s normal. So I keep thinking about going to a much, much better place and I calmed it down.
This week I will pay for my cremation. I called the morgue to make sure that if I paid for my cremation and left a note on my person, would they go with my wishes. They said yes. They said they wouldn’t be the ones to call the media but they listen to emergecny calls so it could be that it would be in the papers, which makes me think I should it about an hour away from here. I will also say I have no family because I don’t want my son to look at me dead. He’s 27 but so angry with me who knows why and I’m just tired of people being angry at me because I like to tell the truth.
Anyway, you didn’t say you wanted to die, so I imagine you just feel that way for now because of your dire situation at hand. It may get better you know. Mine won’t. I have been betrayed so many times that I have nothing to live for…nothing. My son said I will never see my grandchildren (when he has them that is), so okay. My mother lied on me said I tried to kill her when all I asked her to do is clear up all the lies she told me. I guess that’s her way of saying I’m trying to kill her by asking her to be truthful. My family disowned me after that. It was like they really just wanted to believe that I would kill my mother.
I just can’t form relationships and those that I did form have been taken away from me by liars. Strange set of circumstances, but true nonetheless. I hope you feel better and if it doesn’t get better, I hope you find a nice way to end it all.
everyone is worth saving. I have experience with suicide first hand and i know the ripples it creates with everyone you know. i know how it feels to be on the other side of it where someone close to you has killed themselves. and it sucks. you carry it like a giant weight, you think about it constantly. and your full of regrets of what could have been done. i urge you to talk to someone about it. and no matter how much you feel like people don’t care about you they do. i know it feels like they’re is no hope, but there is always hope.. i know you might not be able to hear this, but i hope you are able to.