Feeling numb.

I am 19 years old.

I have lived through domestic violence for most of my childhood until we came to a different country and my mother had the courage to leave my father. I’ve watched her get beaten almost everyday infront of my eyes while she was trying to protect me and my sister. I had been pretty clueless the whole time, being young and having to grow up with it. However, when they divorced I supported my mother all the way.

I thought everything would be great afterwards but I was mistaken. We had to move to a low-income family housing since we did not have a lot of money. In fact, we had no money. I had a lot to adjust to. A new country, new language, new life and high school. I was lost but I was a happy child I believe. I was doing stupid things like a lot of my friends were, experimenting for the first time and just curious about everything. One day I was coming home after a high school dance. I had a lot of fun and I decided to walk home, since I lived in walking distance and had nobody to pick me up from school. A man started talking to me when I entered my neighbourhood. I had no idea who he was. He asked me if I wanted to come chat for a bit and I didn’t even think for a second that he would have any other intentions. He looked young and harmless. I walked into a house with a few people with faces whom I’ve never seen and for some reason when I entered they all left. I was locked into a room and a bunch of people came in. They forced me to do horrible painful things I’d never even heard of or seen. Then I was told to leave and I just felt lost. I couldn’t grasp what just happened and they seemed to be mocking me.. I came home shaking, feeling ashamed, confused, and dirty. I took a shower to wash the blood off of my body and I did not tell a soul. I was only 13 years old.

From then on, I turned into a heartless cold bitter person. I treated my family like shit and I did everything to go against all that I’d known. I was just a young girl whose world had been turned upside down. Nobody understood me and nobody knew anything that was going on inside me. People judged me, blamed me and called me names. I never attached myself to anyone around me including friends or family because I did not trust anyone. Everyday I woke up feeling like I had the whole world against me. I thought I would live this way forever but somehow I found happiness. I met a guy who changed my way of thinking and I was able to open up to him unlike anybody else in my life. He knew more than anyone and he was always there on the phone every night I cried myself to sleep. At first I was afraid to fall too deep but he kept on asking me to give him my all. After much resistance I opened up to him and became the most vulnerable to him.

Years went by and he has become a huge part of my life. He is almost my reason for living. I considered myself happy despite the occasional ups and downs. However, one day he told me he wanted to leave. He wanted to look for better things in life. The way we were living now was not beneficial to his future. I became upset more than I had ever been. I felt like my only piece of sanity just slipped away. After a panic attack, I walked to my dresser almost robotically and took a whole bottle of pills. I laid in my bed and tried to go to sleep forever. He found me afterward and brought me to the emergency room. I was in there for 3 days hooked up to wires and IVs and I was back alive. With all the guilt and shame. My family came to see me but all I wanted to do was disappear. Everybody kept asking for explanations but I didn’t have one. Not even for myself. He told me he would stay after the episode. However, he has been coming home late almost everyday since it happened. Mostly drunk or high. I can’t help but feel that he is only staying out of fear that I might try it again. I feel disconnected and I feel more depressed than ever. I feel ashamed to have done what I’ve done but somehow in the back of my mind I keep wondering what if I really succeeded???