Fuck it all and fucking no regrets – Until it sleeps

I’ve been living like a ghost haunted for my whole life…we are different…we are not them!  We are human.  We have hearts, feelings, we are not robots.  We are not the wrong…we are the right…why should we die as they assemble!  I have lived lies for so many years I am the warring chamelion.  I have had very few people see me jump ship and see me for what I am…a situational human…a changling.  I will be whatever you want. I will make you laugh as I cry.  I will wander the depths of this estrangedness forever…there is no end.  There is solace in that.  In knowning this is it, that it comes in waves like a tide.  There are drugs…there are cures…I haven’t found them…I have alcohol, it lasts for a few hours every friday when I can shut off the shadows and the voices…and the negative.  I want to live, I want to be here for my kids.  I love them so much I cry.  It’s the only time I cry.  My wife hates me, tired of my drama.  Okay…fair.  We have expenses and I hold up my end, we have a nice house, a car, a life.  It’s a lie.  I am a living lie.  But…there is solace…in that we are not alone.  This site is like a shot of adrenaline.  Instead of going downstairs and closing my eyes forever, I am empowered.  Maybe I’m not nuts.  Maybe this world is.  Maybe the hatred is too much for some of us…maybe we are so sensitive to the negative thoughts, actions, faces, reactions, and lives we lead, to the abuse on the highway, to the abuse on the news…that we coil up like snakes…in a basket…coiled at every sound.  fangs out but trying not to bite.  I am that cobra…I am that fear…CNN fills me with dread….the internet is world ending propoganda…the earth shakes…humans die every second…can it be so bad…it’s distant thunder and the storm is coming…but maybe today…maybe for an hour, maybe for a second I can stare at the sun, maybe I will feel a bit of rain, or some cold and maybe someone will smile…maybe I’ll feel warm…maybe my child will hug me…maybe my son will laugh…and all the freight trains blasting through my brain, all the ropes, guns and knives fall away…all the scars on my wrists and all the stamina…is worth it…there is no end to my tunnel…there is no END…except one.  I’m so afraid of living, that I’m afraid of dying.  I feel better knowing it won’t go away…that it’s forever…denial…pretending I’m normal is no longer an option…about to turn 40 and I’m derailed…the dead end job has burnt me out…has stolen my motivation…my fever…I used to love my job…I still do…I want to help people…I support customers…I want to make them happy, make their day even if mine is so blue I bleed shadows. 

I am alone.

We all are…the internet has helped me understand this…this site is cool…no matter what age, from 10 to 40…it stays…there is a metallica song…James Hetfield feels it…we are not alone.

metallica has helped me…read his words…

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right my side

So tear me open, pour me out
There’s things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once, and now it stays

So tear me open, but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, until I’m clean

*It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, so hold me

Until it sleeps**

So tell me why you’ve choosen me
Don’t want your grip, don’t want your greed

I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps

*–** Repeat

I don’t want it

So tear me open, but beware
The things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, ’till I’m clean…

I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the fear still shapes me
So hold me, until it sleeps…

Until it sleeps…

yeah, still waiting…but surviving…SURVIVE…DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU DO IT…DO NOT LET THEM WIN…FIGHT…GRAB A PARTNER…DANCE TOGETHER IN THIS MISERY…OUR CHEMICALS ARE MIXED…BUT WE LOVE..>SOMEWHERE…INSIDE…

I just can’t figure out how to let it for very long….