No one will probably ever reads this, but I still want to tell my story, even if itÂ´s just for myself.
My mom and dad got a divorce when I was 2. They both have their good and bad sides. Basically: dad is narsissistic and mom drinks too much. I had eating disorder when I was thirteen, and since then itÂ´s gotten worse. When I was 17 I was sent to psychotherapy, which has been a great help but tells about how serious eating problems and how deep my depression was, and still is. Â IÂ´m 18 right now, and I should have the whole life ahead of me. Instead of freedom IÂ´m feeling like IÂ´m trapped in a sense of hopelessness. I had troubles, with my relationship and my demanding hobbies and school, but life was as stable as it could be at that moment. There have always been awful situations, a suicidal girlfriend, huge fights, a fear of breaking up. Then a month ago everything fell apart: dad suddenly divorced my stepmom, they had been together for 8 years. Three days after sheÂ´s moved out dad tells me heÂ´s having an affair. With my best friend. She plays in the same band with me, weÂ´ve played together for 7 years. Dad has been the manager of the band, he drives the van and books our gigs. TheyÂ´re both telling me itÂ´s my problem the whole band is starting to fall, if I canÂ´t accept their relationship. Dad told me heÂ´d never make a choice between her and me, but heÂ´s already made it. Dad is doing his best to make me feel guilty. Since IÂ´m not the most mentally stable person there is, itÂ´s not that hard. IÂ´m falling in pieces, and more is coming. Two days after the discovery I went to pick up a few things from a house that I used to call home, in the morning, and suddenly SHE is sitting in there at 7 am, in my stepmomÂ´s bathrobe, and says “good morning.” I couldnÂ´t take it anymore, I run away. If I had never cared for my dad, this might be easier. But IÂ´ve always been “daddyÂ´s girl”, IÂ´ve always been more close to him cause of mumÂ´s drinking habits. And to me, heÂ´s not my dad anymore. Who can I trust, if my best friend, who I have known for almost my whole life, is doing this to me and to the band? She keeps telling me I should understand. They both keep saying to me, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOÂ´S FEELING SAD. Like IÂ´m not allowed to feel. And the same time, my longest relationship so far is falling apart, too. IÂ´ve been dating this girl for a year and almost 8 months. When IÂ´m hugging her, she turns away and says not now. Yesterday I tried to give her a small peck and she turned me away. IÂ´ve been pushed away from people who IÂ´ve loved the most in my life, and they all say itÂ´s my problem if I canÂ´t be near them, itÂ´s my fault. All I see is hopelessness in the future, I lost all of my dreams. My band has been my dream for years, and itÂ´s been driving me forward when IÂ´ve been down. But now IÂ´m suffocating when IÂ´m in bandpractice and see my friend and my dad there. I canÂ´t stand this. I might break-up with my girlfriend tomorrow, because it hurts more to be pushed away than just stand a relationship that just doesnÂ´t go anywhere.
I donÂ´t know what to do.