Found this site on a random search. So sad to be here around Christmas. So sad to see so many posts like this around Christmas. It sounds like this is the place for me though. I recently lost my entire family in a pretty complicated and ‘hard to explain in a few sentences’ way. Living grief has destroyed me. While I don’t specifically want to die, I am done with my life. The pain of living each day has become overwhelming enough that while I recognize death will end all future possibility for joy and continuation of existence, it will put an end to this misery. I want that. I cannot deal with it anymore. So why am I here? Why don’t I just do it? Well, it’s a hell of a hard thing to contemplate. I’m a coward, so I want a painless method. There don’t seem to be too many guaranteed ways of doing that. And I suppose ultimately, there is still a tiny piece of me hanging on that some miraculous turn of events will occur to change my current circumstances. With each passing day though, it becomes more and more apparent that nothing available to or known by me is going to discover or spark such a chain of events. And the pain is unbearable. I would like to speak with someone who feels the same. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried. I have no idea how it will change my thoughts and feelings to do that. I have no preconceived notions about it. I don’t want to be talked away from the edge. Any mental health care professional would give their best shot at that for a nice hourly wage. I don’t want to be preached at. I am aware of the possible existence of a higher being, possible existence of an afterlife and possible existence of a set of unseen ‘otherworldly’ moral guidelines about the sanctity of human life that would make suicide at best a mistake and at worst a sin. I don’t particularly want to be encouraged either. I have enough self-encouragement given my current feelings. Having typed all this, I don’t really know what I want other than to talk to someone that isn’t going to tritely inform me that ‘life is worth it, you just can’t see that right now’ or ever use the word selfish. Also, with respect to everyone here, I don’t want to talk to anyone under the age of 21. I am in no fit state to likely give out any positive or constructive advice myself, and knowing how differently I think now than when I was a teenager, the thought of indirectly contributing to such a young person deciding to walk off the edge does not sit well with me. So I guess, if there is anyone here who could have written what I have written above about their current state, do you want to talk at all?
Aaron
5 comments
Hi Aaron,
I just read your post, and can completely understand how you feel. I too have considered suicide for a long time, and have even made some pretty serious preparations for it. I do have a method that is painless, certain to work, and that will not leave a horrible looking body behind for people to find. All of these aspects are important to me. If you really want, I can tell you it. All of the materials are easy to obtain. In a funny kind of way, knowing that I have this ‘suicide kit’ that I can use anytime I want actually gives me a bit of courage to keep going.
I am sad for you that you have lost your family. If you decide to stay on in this world there is no doubt that new relationships will open up for you, and one day you won’t feel so alone. But I can totally understand it if you feel you don’t have the energy to wait for all that.
Speaking for myself, then if I do decide to leave this world, now or in several years time, it won’t be for oblivion or for hell. My faith will be in Jesus Christ, and I will hope to join him in heaven. I believe he understands how awful and painful life on this earth can be, and I think he will know that I have truly tried to live a good and useful life here, but that in the end I just didn’t have it in me to keep going anymore…even for my children. I don’t believe he will turn me away, and I believe that I will have as much of a chance of going to heaven as anyone else. Feeling that God loves me and understands how hard things are here is another thing that helps me to keep going. If I thought God was cruel and unloving to people who are full of despair, it would make me feel even worse.
E-mail me personally if you like. I am 41 by the way, and my internet search this evening has shown me that I am right in the age group which has the highest rate of suicide. How old are you?
petra@plucien.net
May God bless you with a sense of his love from which nothing, not even suicide, can ever separate you!
Petra
hi aaron,
yes i definitely could have written this myself, and i’m well beyond 21. i’m inhighspeed at comcast dot net if you’d like to chat.
I think you should kill your self because are a loser you know it deep down
Blackqwert, so suck ur dead daddys dick. You are seriously pissing me off go make out with life sucks cuz u love him so much. We know I’m a loser who plays video games all day and never had a gf…
Fuck off
hey one i am girl and i told him to stop so keep my name out of it and theres no love there