Tonight. December 20th, 2010. The end. The end of my life. Forever.
Say what you want. Think what you want. But after tonight it won’t matter. The knife to my wrist isn’t painful enough. I want to feel the pain. I want to suffer, knowing my family won’t even care. After all, all my mom does is yell, and scream at me for reason, and call me a snotty *****. Yes, it may seem over-dramatic that a 12 year old girl is ending her life. But i can’t take this shit anymore. Life sucks. I don’t care what people say, or do, it always comes back to me, and i’m always the one hurt.
Cutting was never enough. Yes, it helped a little to relieve the constant stress of school, friends, enemies, and family. But it never erased my problems. I act like nothings wrong and that the shit people say doesn’t affect me when in reality all it does is affect me. I walk through the halls in my school, and my heart literally hurts, knowing no one cares. My friends are all like me, the emo, depressed, suicidal out casts. I’m known as the strong one. The one that helps the rest of them keep from killing themselves, when all i want to do is kill myself. I am always there for my so called “friends”. But when are they ever there for me? Never.
I was recently hit by a car in August and holy fuck that sparked a ton of rumors. The most recent? Oh yes, I RAN OUT IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING TRUCK. YES BECAUSE I’M THAT FUCKING SUICIDAL. Oh and another one? hm.. oh yeah! I’M FAKING IT. I just want to scream at people. They are so DUMB! But that’s just another reason to end my life. Snotty fucking 7th graders. Yes i know! I sound fucking insane. I AM insane! I am DONE with bullshit. These kids act like the things they do, don’t affect people at all, when the reality of it is, the things you say to what seems like the strongest people can really be what makes them decide to end it all. Example A: Me.
I just got done reading a really good book.. Oh just listen, this has something to do with my suicide. So pay attention. The girl in the book killed herself, and in the book she tells her reasons why she did it.. It’s hard to believe but i felt the same way as the girl in the book. Betrayed, Lost, Alone.. Confused.. Scared.. And i feel the only way to feel found and happy is to end it all…
Why didn’t someone notice….. My friends knew about the rumors.. One of my friends.. Especially knew about my suicidal thoughts, and attempts. Her name is Stephanie… She laughed at me though.. She thought i was just a pathetic person… I guess i just have one question for her. Why didn’t you tell someone? I wanted SO badly for a teacher to find out, and talk to me.
….I wanted help…..