I have been totally numb. I have been told that they want me dead, they want to hit me, I’ve been told that I make everyone insane with only my existence – and I have felt nothing about it. I have wanted to cry but haven’t been able to make tears, I have run away from a mental hospital and fought with the nurses. I have wanted nothing but die, I have cut too many slices and what more…
Even failed on failing, too many times.
And I thought it was the worst it could be. But no, I don’t even feel depressed at the moment. I’m not hopless or anything – my therapist said to me that I’ve healed in an incredible way and we’re about to get the whole treatment, drugs and therapy, ended in the end of May. And I’m glad about it.
I’ve been well in senior-high, I’ve made some very good friends and had pretty nice grades. I’ve even met a nice boy that likes me too, and we are kinda dating or something, I think. He’s said that he even loves me, so what’s wrong?
All I think about is suicide. I’m happy! And I think hanging, I can’t forget how to make a hangman’s knot, I can’t forget the blades or throw them away, I can’t stop thinking of how to get a gun. I’ve got friends, I spend lots of fun time and I think cutting and starving. I think what’s the better option – to starve myself into death or to kill myself immediately.
And it is horrible. I am happy. I am happy, happy, happyhappyhappy. And I still think these thoughts. What the hell is wrong with me – maybe it’s tattooed on my heart: TOTALLY SUCKED ONE.
I just don’t know what to do. It feels useless to tell my therapist, and also I don’t want to dissapoint her. I’ve been depressed since, I don’t even remember when. The first time I was about to kill myself was when I was ten years old, and now I’m amost 18. My mum is depressed, my grandmum killed herself.
Maybe I was never ment to be born. Maybe I really am ment to be dead.
I am happy.
4 comments
There are lots of people who feel the same way.
I’m technically happy also. I now have a good life, a good future planned for me, a sweet girlfriend, but I just don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t escape from the feeling and I even tried telling my therapist and nothing really happened.
My dad offed himself too, as well as his father, so I get what you mean. I was never meant to be born anyways. I should have been a miscarriage.
Anyways, good luck to you.
I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
Maybe it’s a chemical thing? I’ve been entertaining the idea that suicide has some genetic roots in my family, although I’ve never asked my mother if that’s the case. You’ve been through a lot, though. Like mental institutions and medications. I feel worse than you, because you’re one of those people who actually has reasons to be depressed. Stick in there.
Honestly, I wonder if suicide IS a genetic thing. Because honestly, that would explain a lot.
And I don’t feel like my situation is any better because I have a ‘reason’ to be depressed. I’ve seen perfectly normal people who have nothing wrong with their lives struggle through depression, so don’t belittle yourself because you think you don’t have a reason.
It is a genetic thing, according to Kay Redfield Jamison’s book “Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide.” It’s a very good book and, considering my present state of mind, oddly comforting. There are other things, obviously, besides genetics, but it does seem to be at least part of it.