Well, guess I’m back. I posed here back in May, and I guess I’m posting again. I’m not really sure why I’m here or posting. I guess I’m thinking about much of the same things a lot of others are.
As for me, well, I’m just weak and weary from life. It’s just that simple. I’ve been depressed so long I don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed.Â
I’m really at the point where I think killing myself is more like euthenasia. Rational suicide perhaps…
I’m an older guy, mid 40’s. Nothing’s really worked out all that well for me, despite my efforts. Not married, no girlfriend, almost no dating my entire life. No children, no close family other than my mother. My dad and brother have both died; brother was a suicide. I’m really not close to anyone and simply don’t feel close to anyone.
I work way way way too hard and yet I get so little accomplished. In all honesty, I’m stupid. It takes me 3 or 4 times longer to get something done at work than anyone else. I think when I was a child people called it mental retardation or learning disability. I was never diagnosed with one, but maybe I should have been. Hell, it even took me 6 years to graduate college!Â
I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression ever since high school. I’m 44… ever since I was 16! I’ve sought treatment; it doesn’t really work… not in the long run. Medications are worthless; except to the people selling them. Cognitive behavioral therapy? Forget it… 5 minutes later I’ve forgotten everything that was said in a session.
My work takes up all of my time. Today was yet another 13 hour day. But, for me, it takes so long because I’m stupid! I mean it must be some type of learning disability or something…Â
I’ve thought about another job, but that’s just a bad idea. I don’t really think I could qualify for something else, at least nothing that would pay enough to support myself. I live very frugally; nothing fancy at all….
Dating? Hobbies? Interests? Friends? Really… I mean there’s no sense in even thinking about that…. Dating has been nothing but a source of frustration and major anxiety for me. Hobbies/interests… sure, I’m interested in different things. But, with me, its work work work work work work and work some more.. just to keep up with the demands of my (meager) job. Friends? Sure, I have friends. But most are from my college days and we’re not close as we were back then. They’ve moved onto wives, children, families, great careers, starting their own businesses. Realistically, they don’t have a lot of time for a guy like me who still can’t seem to grow up and get it together.Â
For me, it’s time. Time to get ready to go. Rational suicide. My depression, anxiety, and ADD have simply held me back. Those conditions are keeping me from enjoying anything and making me a slave to my work.Â
I’ve given it a try; there just is no happiness. I am just so weary of it all.Â
Now, my focus is going to be on getting things in order. Last Will and testament. Ensuring whatever small assets I have will go somewhere useful. Get a burial plot. Buy a gun. (I’m in the US, they’re easy to get). And slowly overcome the last strands of fear of death I have. Even now, I feel a bit of relief knowing there’s a way for the disappointment and depression to finally stop, once and for all. Now, to work on what’s left of my fear and overcome that…
oh, and don’t worry about any “mess” to clean up. I’m just going to go out for a drive one day, out into a secluded area in the woods. And feel a final relief….
I’m not really looking for advice or anything. But, I am kind of curious… does anyone else think of a “rational suicide”? I mean, anyone just consider they’ve been around long enough…. tried to overcome their depression/anxiety/add and just can’t quite do it? Like what I’m describing? And just realize that ending my life is relief… it’s ending my depression/anxiety/add once and for all… no longer focusing on what I’ve missed or what I could have been… just realizing I have multiple mental problems that I simply cannot overcome. Anyone think along those lines? Or is it just me?
Well, hey, if anyone reads this… thanks. I can see my relief on its way and I take some comfort in that.
*** I actually wrote this a couple nights ago. I’ve taken a couple more steps. I have a will! So, that’s a good thing. And, I have a couple of gun shops to go to this weekend to get my gun and ammo ready. And, I have a couple of firing ranges in town so I can learn to shoot. So this may be over quicker than I thought. Guess I just want to share some time and thoughts with someone before I go. I am sad life didn’t work for me. Really sad. But, I also feel relief. Relief is on the way. Rational suicide. Someone like me just isn’t cut out for this life ***
6 comments
hi lost, we’re about the same age, i feel just like you do. when i’m not thinking like a suicidal maniac then i still feel like rational suicide is still the way to go. my only problem is my family, who would be devastated, of course. i just don’t know how to hang on though. they don’t see how lonely and depressed i am when i’m alone, how bored, how uninterested, how tired i am of slugging through life. your name, lost_va, does that mean virginia? i live right outside washington d.c., if you ever want someone to talk to. obviously i respect everyone’s decision to do what they must do, but i do hope maybe you’ll find some peace this weekend. i would never say don’t do it, but maybe hang on one more day, that’s what i keep telling myself, anyway. hang on long enough and maybe my feelings will change.
well Dylan, thanks for reading. I’m just tired of life, that’s all. Dragging around depression and anxiety for decades now is just like dragging around my own personal boat anchor. I can see others who are happy, content, and well adjusted, and I want to be that. But I’m not. Why? I don’t know. Somewhere, something in my brain’s defective. I can’t think, I can’t concentrate, it’s an absolute miracle I even graduated college and can hold down a job. But, there’s no joy in that… putting all my efforts and energy into just keeping “my head above water”. None at all. Slogging along? Believe me, I’ve slogged for 44 years. I’m tired of slogging.
As for me, when I’m gone, I’ll be missed for about 5 minutes or so… that’s about it. All my efforts at work, and they’ll have my replacement a day after I’m gone (if they don’t hire a replacement and fire me beforehand). Acquaintances will shake their heads but realize they knew all along that there was something “not right” with me. Right now, though, I’m just tired… very very tired.
I hear you, I really do, as I feel exactly the same way. Tired, with no hope of a better tomorrow. I was out x-mas shopping today and it just felt so futile. I just wish the holidays were over, and my birthday as well which is coming up. How I got to this age without a wider circle of friends, I don’t know. I think I’ve just been so apathetic my whole life that I did not have much to offer. I have one good friend but he’s too involved in his own life for me, and a niece who is a good friend but she’s got her own life too. I feel like there is nowhere to turn and nowhere to go. I sleep most of the time, and just think of not existing any longer. My doctor keeps saying I just need to get into a relationship, but I feel so effed-up that I wouldn’t be a great catch. And the older I get the less a happy life seems possible. I know what you mean about feeling that no one would miss you, I feel the same way. It’s probably not true in either case, but I know how you feel.
As much as I can understand your desire to end your life, something just seems so wrong about actually going through with it.
fully understand the sentiments shared. I have been weary of life, and the idiotic mechanics of living – waking up, washing, shaving, putting garbage out etc – since I was a teenager. have thought about suicide many times, but perhaps more in the spirit of a thought experiment, or a way of indulging a kind of self-pity fantasy. but for all that, what prevents me from carrying though is twofold : firstly, the fact that my mother still lives; and secondly, that I still have a quasi-religious sense that killing myself would somehow be dishonourable. the only resolution is to just keep getting up each morning and hoping for some revelation or epiphany : i can only hope it come to me soon.
in parenthesis : curse you silly yanks for dicking around with the spelling of honour.
You still here, Lost_va?