I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, but it makes sense as to why I have to end everything.
For a little background on me, my father also committed suicide when I was seven years old. I wasn’t awake to hear the sirens, but my mother told me that it was done by hanging himself in our garage after both of us had gone to sleep. She also told me that after she found him she performed CPR on him endlessly while he continued to throw up directly in her mouth. This is probably why I cringe at the thought of hanging myself.
I never quite understood why my dad did what he did when I was younger. He had a loving family, a great job with great benefits, and to be honest, a fantastic future to look forward to. The question that killed me was, “Why throw it all away?”. I never understood the answer when I was younger, but really it all makes sense now.
He grew tired of the same thing every day. My mother and I weren’t spontaneous enough for him; all we did was bind him down, just like his job. Despite the good pay, he did the same thing day in day out for all of his jobs. It’s like what somebody else said, “that we’re all stuck working in the machine.” The only way to break the cycle was the pills. Those pills gave him the wings to engage his curiosity and to really experience “life” for all it’s hyped up to be. Not to mention that the pills also gave him the answer. They told him that there was a way out; a way to really be free without having to experience the crash from the pills.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that it’s great that I’ve found the answer.
Now the hardest part is working up the strength to try to break free. It’s hard to sprout wings when you’re being chained down.