Journal Entry #2: December 14th 2010

Today I have decided to do this first,

Today is kinda my relaxed day. I dont have work, so I most likely wont binge, my 21 year old sister is coming home and I only have one thing I must do, which is read fifth business, the whole book, for tomorrow.

I woke up this morning late, and was late for first period, I had english and presented a project that I had no idea what I was talking about, it was on The Scarlet Letter, which is probably the most boring book I have ever read other than Fifth Business.

After I had Leadership, and I was told we were going to go outside to play in the snow, but apparently its tomorrow, not today. That was frustrating. We played badminton and I had to borrow a pair of shorts from some rando girl and a shirt from another girl, the shirt reeked of cigarettes and fish, it was so gross. While we were playing badminton we listened to loud music, mostly mashups, and me and my partner joked around grunting and such. Just then the guy who fucked around with me peeked into the gym. I was horrified, I smelt of fish, I was all sweaty and my fat legs were unshaved. I refused to look at him and each time he walked by I pretended not to see him. I was mad because I know he went home with another girl yesterday, and he would have done the same with me if he could. And knowing myself, I would have been the girl going home with him if I could, my parents wont let me though. But the fact that I would and I want to go home with him is bad, I shouldn’t want to, but I do.

The ***** who got me in trouble with the vice principal, whose my moms cousin kept walking by as well. I know she was mad because I know that she wanted to get me suspended, yet Im still having a blast with one of my only friends in Leadership Class.

Usually I don’t like Leadership Class, but today it was fine, I got a workout from it, and I should probably do some sort of workout later today. Im excited to do it tomorrow, because we’ll get to frolic in the snow.

After leadership, my lacrosse coach and one of the gle teachers in our school asked me into his office, and asked me what happened between the ***** who I “cyber bullied” and me, I just said there was mean stuff said back and fourth and that it was over. He said that it made a bad impression of me and it should stop, I told him it would, but it still almost ruined my day.

At lunch I didn’t eat. I dont want to eat anymore. I had a huge breakfast that my parents force me to have which consists of a smoothie, an egg, a piece of toast, and half a grapefruit. So not eating lunch seems acceptable to me, not to my parents though :s Instead I walked to the convenience store with one of my friends and used my fake to buy her cigarettes. People tell me that it seems like I don’t care for my friends when I do that, but in truth, I know she’ll do it anyways so I might as well be the person who buys them for her.

I sometimes smoke, but Im trying to test my self-control and am not smoking on weekdays anymore. Usually when I drink I do hack though, but I just dont like how people always bum from me. Next time I go out I think ill bring just like 2 cigs, then see how it goes.

Then I went to study for law for the rest of lunch, and I learnt a little. The guy who fucked around with me was in the library, I ignored him and sat with some rando in my law class and studied for half an hour. Then I had math, the guys in my math class are such douches, and my math teacher always flirts with me, and like singles me out, its embarrassing. I got all my work done in record time and didnt have any homework for the night. I like math, its strait foreward and once you understand it, it doesnt require thinking.

Last period was law. I made sure my thong stuck out a little when I sat down. On my way to class he came to my locker. I was talking about how I couldn’t stick up for myself between this ***** that I “cyber bullied” and I, and he just came over and joined the conversation. I locked my locker and he was like “oh like did you study” like acting all normal and walked with me to class. Wtf. I was so confused. I literally wanted to hit him and tell him to fuck off. I hate the fact that I couldn’t cause I didnt want him to know that his actions hurt me, it will make him have upper hand and it will make me seem weak. I hate being weak. I think thats why I’m such a slut.

I sat on a desk and studied for like 2 minutes before the test and he came over to me and hugs me from behind and rubs my back. I literally didnt know how to react i was like oh and kept on with my conversations. I suspect it was only because he saw my thong. After the test he didnt talk to me, until like 20 seconds before the bell rung, I was talking to my friend outside the classroom and he said my name, and I was so confused, I then left because the bell had rung and I turned around and was like “what?” and he was like “nothing you were blocking the door”. Then I was like “oh okay bye then” and walked away, awkward he was walking the same direction as me. And stops at my locker. I was so confused, was he really acting like when were dealing. Then he asked my locker partner where some girl’s locker is.. wow. I felt stupid, I really thought I was the one who would have to reject him, but he just did, in front of my face.

Then I found out that the ***** who tried to get me suspended was given a “warning” and was almost suspended for the same reason, and left school early because of it. That gave me some brightness in my day. But the fact that I was rejected so easily made me upset.

I am now home, Im eating carrot sticks and chewing on some cinnamon stick. I don’t know if thats bad for you? I’ll google it soontimes.

Im kinda tempted to binge, like Im not hungry but I know that when I finish writing this, I wont know what to do, nap, workout, homework, who knows, but I just need to not binge. This is so hard. And I know I should be hungry because I didnt eat lunch. Oh well I just wont eat.

Were having indian food for dinner. So it should be quite filling anyways. Im still facebook and formspring sober. And hopefully I’m able to not be on facebook until after exams, which is my goal. Only 2 more days of school!

Im worried about the new year. I dont want that guy to expect us to date. I just need more time to think and more time to vent, recently he hasn’t been impressing me, so maybe if he does I can think about it. All I know is that I always think i’m going to make him jealous if I hookup with a lot of other guys, yet I dont make him jealous. At least he doesnt make it seem that way.

Oh well, If I feel like killing myself today, I would do it by overdose, I would take 1000000 pills from everywhere. I just think now I have too much to live for, and If I do try to kill myself, and survive, it will be such a set back, Ill have too much to catch up on and too much to do. Also it would be blamed on my medication. I dont know if it is the medication which has made me more depressed or if its the happenings of my life. But I must see.

I have a violin lesson tonight, my last one before xmas. I just weighted myself I weigh 173lbs. 20lbs to lose before I go back to school on the 3rd of January. As long as I use this as my log and dont binge anymore I will be able to lose maybe 5lbs of it by the 3rd of January. I need to just not be dumb anymore and prioritize. Working out higher on my priorities and eating not as high, just what I eat, making sure its healthy high on my priorities.

Thanks for reading slash listening, Once again, I dont care if you dont read this, Im just using this, and suggestions are appreciated 🙂 Thanks