Journal Entry #3: December 15th 2010

Today has been interesting, I’m in a funny mood. I just got home from school and had oatmeal with banana and cinnamon and vanilla yogurt in it, It was really good. I feel very full now, and I ate lunch today as well, I had a rice cake, two crackers, and some carrots and some pumpkin seeds, not too much, but filling.

Im afraid, I have work in about an hour, and I don’t want to binge, I binge at work usually, and it helps the time go by faster, but it ruins my day. I dont know how to control it. I work at a pharmacy, and It sells an immaculate amount of candy and christmas sales are going on. I feel bad too, because I steal things, and I know I should stop, it makes me feel guilty, but a lot of the time, I care more about myself, rather than my morals. I need to stop, but when I binge, I know that I eat more than I can afford, and then it becomes about my embarrassment, I would never like my coworkers to find out about my problems.

Today First period was leadership, we finally got to play in the snow. We played red rover, and british bulldog and played tackle dodgeball, all in the snow. It was fun but got cold and boring. “him” who I usually see once or twice during leadership, didnt see me, I was kind of happy about it, but kind of mad, because I wanted him to see me having fun, at the same time I looked really fat in my snowsuit 😛

Next I had math, we were reviewing for our test tomorrow, and as always I asked a lot of questions, I got chirped for asking them of corse, but I pretended not to care. One of the guys asked me about me and “him”, in front of the entire class, and I shrugged it off and said nothing. My math teacher yelled at me, it seems as if hes giving me mixed symbols, I never know if hes joking or actually frusturated at me. like when I am almost late for class and he comes to my locker and grabs my bag, I dont know how to react! He yelled at me because I was done my work and was “chatting too loud” with one of my friends.

During lunch I was supposed to go to a meeting for model un, but I instead modelled for my three friends for their photography project. I was portrayed as happiness for one, and sadness for another, it was fun, except for the lighting was messed up. Then I quikly got my drag queen makeup off, and went to law class.

“He” is in my law class. And I was talking to a friend outside the classroom when he walked up, I asked him if I was in his way, because he had said that I was in his way the day before, and he said no then yes. I was so confused, then I went into the classroom, and he started to talk to me, my hair was swooped into a bun on the top of my head, and he called me “cindy loo hoo” and then put out his hand for me to hold. I just looked at it. Then He asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing, he said I looked upset, and I said it was because of the makeup my friends had put on me at lunch. Then we watched a movie, and I continued to read fifth business, He texted me because I was texting someone else. And said you shush with your typing cindy loo hoo, and I said back ok. then he said dry, then I said you be quiet. Then he said he liked my xmas sweater, then I said, Thanks I’m quite excited for xmas, and he said same. Then I didnt respond. And he knew I received it. Then after class he hugged me, and I just stood there, he said something and then hugged me again, i was so confused. I honestly dont know why he does this to me. Then I went to english and saw him walking down the hall with a girl from my leadership class. I hate players.

In english I wrote my inclass essay, I wrote 8 pages and I think I did okay. Im not so sure though. I finished just as the bell rung, so I considered myself lucky.

I walked home with an old friend from grade school today, Its weird when you talk to people after you dont talk for a long time, and when you used to be so close. We had some good chats but I’m not planning on being her bffl anytime soon 😛

Now is the time of fretting, I think that oatmeal gave me heart burn, and I dont want to go to work. Every time I have work I’m afraid that they will question me or I will be fired because of eating things and not paying for them, or stealing something like the stockings I stole last week. Every time I have work though, I tell myself I will be fired today, so that when I am not, I am relieved.

I also need to finish fifth business today, Im only on page 40 out of 200, so it looks like its going to be a long night. Pray for me so that I do not binge, and pray for me to lose weight. Today I weigh in at 171.0lbs. For someone who is around 5’10” it should be overweight, and knowing that when I was at my skinniest I was in the 140’s it upsets me to know that I weigh like 30lbs more then I should. I want to lose lose lose weight but Its so hard when you always feel the need to have food in your mouth.

Wish me luck with all my problems,
Today will not be the day I commit suicide,
xoxo