I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to post this, because my problems are probably nothing compared to other people’s.
I wouldn’t say I’ve had a bad life. Things were okay at home…Sure, my parents annoyed me sometimes, but that’s normal, and I did always feel like my brother was the favourite sibling, but I could deal with that. Things were okay at school too. I got straight As, and although I was shy and didn’t have that many friends, the ones I had were enough for me.
I don’t know when things started to change…I slipped into depression gradually, and it took me a while to notice just how much I’d changed. I had no motivation for anything any more. I stopped going out, cut off all contact with most of my friends, shut myself in my room all day to get away from my family. My grades started to drop as well, I stopped doing homework and I started skipping classes…I’m now failing most things.
I’m applying to go to uni next year, but right now I don’t see the point. I’m failing so I’ll never get in, and I’ve pretty much given up on ever getting there. My parents will be disappointed in me and I don’t think I can take it. They haven’t even noticed how my grades have been dropping steadily for the last 4 years and are still expecting straight As.
I feel like I’ve just screwed up my whole life…or like I haven’t yet, but I’m just watching everything around me fall apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I just don’t see any kind of future for myself, so why keep going?
I have a group of friends online who without even realising it have been keeping me going for months now, but it’s just not enough any more. Now the only thing keeping me alive is guilt, which just makes getting through each day even more painful.
I’m planning to kill myself after christmas…I’d like to do it sooner, but I can’t go through with it knowing that I’d be ruining christmas for everyone I care about. This will be my first suicide attempt and I really hope I succeed. Chances are I’ll somehow manage to screw this up too.
23 comments
dont do it. lets talk, i cant say i had your life i had a hard one and i wanted some times still do wanna die but its not the answer.
I’m not sure what good talking will do…I can’t really put how I’m feeling into words. And I’m sorry you had a hard life and that you sometimes want to die too. You’re right, it’s not the answer, but it’s the only way out I can see right now.
i honestly get that because i have seen that to and i thought that for a long ass time but talking really can help. if you dont wanna talk to me hear you can email me
I guess talking can’t do any harm. Here or email is fine
i dont care i just dint wanna make it uncomfortable for you
Thanks… Um…I don’t really know how I’m supposed to talk about this ><
ok well why do you think you are depperesed
I honestly have no idea. Like I said, there wasn’t really anything that bad going on in my life before this started that could’ve caused it. I just know that it happened gradually. It took me a while to realise just how bad things had got.
ya it was kinda the same but with me there was a lot going on that i dont know which on was it but have you ever talked to your parents and told them that you think somethings wrong or are you scared
I’ve never talked to them. I’m not scared…I just don’t want to tell them. I’ve never really got on well with them, and I don’t feel able to talk to them. Even if I did, I was denying everything for a while and it was only recently that I was able to admit to myself that this is actually a problem.
well that is a start. and it good that you are talking to someone (me) can i ask you somethings so i know kinda what to say
Yeah, go ahead.
ok have you ever hurt yourself
have you ever od (not to kill yourself)
have you wrighten the suicide letter
and do you have a outlet to get your frustation out
anything else you thing i should know
I’ve cut myself before.
No.
Not yet, I’m still trying to figure out what to say.
No.
I can’t think of anything…
ok
ok
ok
ok
ok
now what i would say or ask whatever
what makes or made you cut yourself
and thats good i have learned my lession from that so your doing better than me
and wrighting it, if you do think of what might happen after words like if someone you love might feel very deppresed and kill them selfs or something else.
and outlet maybe go for a walk alone for a hour but dont think of what just went on
It was a way to cope…the pain on the outside helped distract me from the pain on the inside.
The thought of making people feel like that is the only reason I’m still alive right now. When I do write it, I want it to somehow make sure that it doesn’t happen. I’m not sure anyone would go as far as killing themself though.
I’ve tried that, but it doesn’t really help me much.
ya i know i am a cutter as well
and well i was just making it a ideal but you have to keep in mined when you die they will forever want answers even with a letter
and have you tried talking to ppl that understand you
That’s why writing it’s so hard. I want to try and write down all the answers they’ll want, but like you say, it will never be enough.
Not really…
ya i know i stil wanna know answers to my moms death
but was your day ok or bad
I’m sorry…No one close to me has ever died so I have no idea how that must feel.
My day was okay I guess…I was just at home not really doing anything. Nothing bad. I was feeling pretty down though.
o i sorry
hey i would still love to talk (if that ok with you) but is it kwel if you email me i am going back and forth from room to room and it would be easier if i could email because it would be on my phone 🙂
Okay then, I’ll email you. what’s your email?
i will post it ok cuz thin it will take for ever to go threw ok look for it