I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to post this, because my problems are probably nothing compared to other people’s.
IÂ wouldn’t say I’veÂ had a bad life. Things were okay at home…Sure, my parents annoyed me sometimes, but that’s normal, and I did always feel like my brother was the favourite sibling, but I could deal with that. Things were okay at school too. I got straight As, and although I was shy and didn’t have that many friends, the ones I had were enough for me.
I don’t know when things started to change…I slipped into depression gradually, and it took me a while to notice just how much I’d changed. I had no motivation for anything any more. I stopped going out, cut off all contact with most of my friends, shut myself in my room all day to get away from my family. My grades started to drop as well, I stopped doing homework and I started skipping classes…I’m now failing most things.
I’m applying to go to uni next year, but right now I don’t see the point. I’m failing so I’ll never get in, and I’ve pretty much given up on ever getting there. My parents will be disappointed in me and I don’t think I can take it. They haven’t even noticed how my grades have been dropping steadily for the last 4 years and are still expecting straight As.
I feel like I’ve just screwed up my whole life…orÂ like I haven’t yet, but I’m just watching everything around me fall apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I just don’t see any kind of future for myself, so why keep going?
I have a group of friends online who without even realising it have been keeping me going for months now, but it’s just not enough any more. Now the only thing keeping me alive is guilt, which just makes gettingÂ through each day even more painful.
I’m planning to killÂ myself after christmas…I’d like to do it sooner, but I can’t go through with it knowing that I’d be ruining christmas for everyone I care about. This will be my first suicide attempt and I really hope I succeed. Chances are I’ll somehow manage to screw this up too.