Loneliness is my killer.

There is still this feeling of loneliness I cannot escape.  A deep social isolation which has been embedded into my soul, instilled from childhood.  Early in life, I felt the sting of rejection after rejection after I gained weight and lost all my friends.  I became a total social outcast for no good reason other than I was different.  I struggled during lunch time to find tables to sit at as no one wanted to speak with me.  There were many times where I’d spend my lunch time in the bathroom, not wanting to feel publicly awkward.  The downward spiral of social rejection continued past high school as I spent almost all of my time alone.  Fast forward to a year ago, 30 years old, I finally get my life in order, lost a lot of weight, and maintain a decent number of friendships.  However, in these friendships I feel next to nothing.  I do not feel us connecting.  When they speak, they speak with such confidence.  I cannot match their eloquence due to my social ineptness.  I’m invited out, but I end up sitting in the corner attempting to look amused looking at the decor.  I put all my efforts into maintaining friendliness.  I have no enemies, and I feel no hatred.  I love my friends and family, but I do not feel love.  I feel as if most of them would turn on me if they knew my true self.  You can’t express how you’re feeling, because then you are just labeled and moved aside.  I tried being honest with my closest friend, and now, I rarely hear from him.  I wasn’t the kind of friend he wanted when I was myself, therefore, I feel I cannot be myself after being abandoned.  I wear this mask everywhere for fear of rejection.  I am the happy person who peps everyone up and looks after everyone.  But I feel disconnected from everyone.  I am lonely even among friends.  I admit, the feeling goes away at times, but it quickly comes back with a rage.  I contemplate ending this miserable existence in an undramatic fashion, not making a statement with my death, but just exiting peacefully and quietly and alone – just as I have always lived my life.  I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.  And though my death will temporarily burden people in my life, I know these same people would not accept the real me were I to take off this mask and reveal to them how alone I feel all the time.  They would distance themselves, as they should.  It’s not their responsibility to fix me, or love me under less than ideal circumstances.  I am just an entertaining presence in the best of circumstances, the fool who would perform for those who would abandon him as soon as he shows signs of being human.  Never knowing the love of another human being, that is the life I live.  Some may offer their love, but it is not unconditional, and it does not endure.  Free me from this prison.  Allow me to go elsewhere, even if that destination turns out to be the bittersweet road of infinite non-existence.

I’m giving it another two weeks.  What can change in that time?  Perhaps nothing.  Perhaps this is merely another downward swing to my rapidly decaying state of stability.  I want to be sure however that it is me making the decision and not that bad turkey I ate last week, or that drink I had a few nights ago that left me feeling so-so.  All I know for sure is, I felt this my entire life.  I lack problems that others have, but the one problem I make up for it, the ability to form real meaningful social connections is too debilitating a handicap for me to live as a social creature.  Throwing away this life while lacking any other sort of debilitating feature may seem a waste, but if you spend most of your 30 years in isolation, knowing almost nothing but that, you may change your mind about how much it hurts.  No opiate can soothe my pain, no surgeon can fix my broken heart – a heart broken not by a woman, but by a life time lack of love.  I have only other humans to rely on, and even though they are kind in spirit and good decent people, they cannot undue the damage that has already been done.  I blame no one but myself, I failed to rise to the task where others would have succeeded.  I feel weak, impotent, and useless.  I’ll laugh today, I’ll smile, and above all else I’ll feel happy.  But none of that is but a distraction to the pain I feel through it all.