He expects me to trust him when he is lying about being single on a dating site… Telling me he needs to know if he still has enough charm to get what he wants if he ever wanted it. Why would he need to know? Is he planning on leaving because thats what it seems like. How can he explain it as not implying that?
When all these problems started it crushed me… It crushed me so hard when he said we shouldn’t be thinking of getting married anymore… I was SO fucking happy I had found the so called “one” my “other half” but it caves in on me and crushes out everything I feel for him… I felt soffocated and desperate to hold things together, I tried to mend things but my depression kept getting the better of me, I couldn’t handle it and snapped… It got better after a while… But there was no mention of getting married anymore… he started neglecting me over time and I started to feel lonely, I started hanging out with ANYONE who asked or messaged me, I wanted to fill the the space he took up that was now vacant, But nothing helped and I just kept getting emptier and emptier… I was on the verge of giving up until he messaged me on msn and what he said ran through my hollowness and ripped a hole on its way out. He said he wanted to “take a break.”
I’d finally had enough and broke down once again… only no one heard me cry. I didn’t wail out or scream, I didn’t throw things around the room… All I did was sit there and watch through blurried eyes while I typed the words “I give up.”
Those words I read over and over in my head while he thought over this reply until he typed his own. He wanted to stay friends. I told him I couldn’t handle that and asked him to come say goodbye to me face to face. I wanted to hold him one last time before he went into another girls arms… I was contemplating a way to die painlessly because I knew I would never get out of bed again anyway. The years we had been together felt like a deluded girls dream. I felt like I had dreamed of him asking me to marry him and it still feels that way. when he came over he told me it was a lie to his friends that we are broken up… I still wanted us to be together so I agreed. I’m starting to regret it now because it feels like I gave him free reign to tell everyone he meets that he is single… what if some girl starts making moves on him? It scares me to think he would move on it if that happend. I over hear a lot of conversations about him as well… I’m not sure if they know I hear them but they make it so easy to eves-drop. I found out hes buying an exspensive gift for kim… She apparently “hates him” and he “dislikes” her but why go to all the trouble for a wonderful gift? Does that mean I will not see him onÂ x-mas? Why does he do things behind my back when he wants me to trust him? I’m tempted to look into all his accounts but stop myself from doing so… I might find all the lies everyone seems to already know and prove them right. I want to trust him! I want us to be.. US again… Will I last until January?
I just want this all to end… I don’t want it to end with him and another girl while I am still alive. Â I’d rather die then see it. I have a katana (Japanese sword) in my room that I have been contemplating on using… but I know its not going to be painless.