I’m 24. I’m a nurse. I’m a mother. I have friends who love me. I have a job that I’m well respected at. I have good clothes on my back, and food at my table. I have a boyfriend that’s watched me try to die at least 5 times now in agony.
I remember feeling this way since I was 15 when I tried it the first time. There will be periods I can tolerate myself. Then there are those periods where I cannot. Those are the times when I think my heart is folding onto itself. But I’m a cardiac nurse I know it isn’t possible. I know what it feels like to have two voices talking to you at the same time. “End the pain” one says. “You can get through this” says the other.
My attempts have been poor at best compared to what I have read here. In succession:
-Cuts on my arms, not sure if it was a cry for help
-plastic bag to my head
-Lying on the railroad tracks in the middle of the night
-Hanging, twice
-An entire bottle of benadryl with a bottle of Hyponotic, half a bottle of percocet, bottle of cough syrup with codeine in it
-doxylamine while floating in the tub, hoping to suffocate
-Benadryl, doxylamine, motrin, alcohol
-Ambien, benadryl
My method of choice are pills because I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to be able to back down once the job is done. I don’t want to have an escape route. I feel like I mess everything up. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like everyone should hate me. I feel like everything would be better in the world if I were gone. I feel like the pain of being me, pathetic me, would stop if chance gave me the right cards. It isn’t enough to have a loving boyfriend, a daughter, a good job, a roof over my head and designer clothes on my back. I’m just not happy. I don’t know how to be. I know I should be. I feel joy in short bursts but alone I hurt. I hurt so much inside. I put on my smiling fake mask and wear it day to day. No one knows how I feel. I don’t think anyone can believe me. My boyfriend says I’m attention seeking. I don’t think it is, there are times that he doesn’t know about.
I’ve failed so many times now. I know I half-assed the attempts. Now I just feel nonchalant about it. I figured it out. I can’t do it. I want to leave it to chance to snip that last thread. I’ll take myself to the edge, the brink, and let chance push me off the cliff. I’ll take my chances. I catch myself not bothering with the seat belt. No looking both ways before crossing. Not tracking whether or not I took my anti-depressants, knowing full well I might be taking three times my dose for the day.
I’ve decided to never hurt myself in the spur of the moment. I have promised myself I would wait until I’m calm. This way I know it is really what I want and not the teenage angst still left in me. This way I can say “I told you so” to all the nay-sayers who thought I do this for attention. It is to prove to myself it isn’t for attention.
I recently was diagnosed with a rare heart syndrome with rare deadly effects. The doctor told my friend he was surprised how well I took the news considering I have anxiety. What he didn’t know is that he gave me good news.
Well. This is me. All raw. Let’s see what today brings. I’m off to take several sleeping pills.
9 comments
“I’m just not happy. I don’t know how to be. I know I should be. I feel joy in short bursts but alone I hurt. I hurt so much inside. I put on my smiling fake mask and wear it day to day. No one knows how I feel.”
i live like this everyday i have never been happy. truth is, no one wants to know about these feelings or hear about it, and one is then forced to go to a therapist which makes the loneliness even worse.
Just Like Frankenstein’s monster I have always wished that i could at least find another person of my kind so we could suffer together & not be alone, maybe at least to make the emptiness a little bearable.
but to this i am even forsaken, among fools i live my life in utter desolation and despair .
a thought passed my mind the first thing this morning of the final moments of my death, of how happy and relief I will feel to at dawn leave such a cold quiet and unbearable world.
it is surprising how many times you have attempted or failed to die, i failed on one occasion with pills, i fucked up badly in that i never took enough. my liver started to die and i was throwing up black stuff for hours and hours in agony. I wished I was dead because of this. would you please tell me more about the bag /suffocation ettemp, was it with the helium method you tried?
“I recently was diagnosed with a rare heart syndrome with rare deadly effects. The doctor told my friend he was surprised how well I took the news considering I have anxiety. What he didn’t know is that he gave me good news”
i often wish and i have dreams that i was diagnosed with terminal cancer iof doctord telling me i have 6 months to live,
i think it would be a relief because if i died this way my family would probably except it a little easier than if i took my own life.
Well! sorry for this morbid comment. i wish it was more optimistic but i just do not wish to be pretentious and bullshit you, and say
“You have everything to live for” or “life is worth living“, i want to say these things to you but i do not even believe these words i do not think life is worth it, but i do desperately want to believe these words. Nobody! wants to really suffer or die. i wish i could live a at least stable life have children a family and travel the world with my kindred spirit..
But A sad fact of the matter is that one can never be happy,
like Philosopher “Hegesis has proposed. Because miseries vastly outnumber pleasures, happiness is impossible, the philosopher argues, and subsequently advocates suicide.â€
Nihilism article http://www.iep.utm.edu/nihilism/
try and stay well. whatever path you choose i hope it leads to your own peace.
greetings
you are lucky to receive such news 🙂 i have been thinking of killing myself since i lost my best friend 5 months ago, but i do not know why i feel that if i do so, he will not be proud of me and may not want to see me if i go to be with him where he is now…
i am like you , i want to die in my sleep! but i do not know,,,
sometimes i feel my heart is not okay…
these 2 voices i have in my head daily! they kill me 🙂
keep me posted what you do>?
Im alot younger than you and am going through the pretty much opposite situations than you as far as why I want to die but I have the same feelings it seems your describing. It almost makes me happy to know Im not the only one feeling that way.
You sound like such a nice person with so many people who want you to live. I really hope that you find a reason to survive before it’s too late.
me to my sisters a nurse as well and i kinda know about that stuff but i hope that you can stay alive. and if you ever want to talk plz email me at aseibel92@gmail.com
i think that maybe you should look at it like this: if your daughter had written this and you just happened to read it what would you do for her? what kind of help would you seek for her? what good advice would you give her to help her carry on? now apply all of what you would say and do for her safety to yourself…
hope it helped. if you ever need me email me carissaporter95@gmail.com
I wish I had a terminal illness as well and then things would be a lot easier. You are lucky!
It does seem to me that, since you are a nurse, you likely would have access to better drugs than those you have taken. You have taken a lot of things (like benadryl, cought syrup, motrin) that are available over the counter. I believe if you wanted to truely take your own life you would have probably managed to get the right pills from the hospital.
Maybe it means that deep deep down, subconsciously, you want to live more than you want to die. Maybe you’d find some relief if you think about that and accept that fact, that no matter how miserable you feel, and want to die, that, so far, a stronger part has NOT wanted to die.
This is certainly good news for your boyfriend and daughter.
I wish you a more peaceful time of it in whathever path you take.