It’s Christmas again. And what have you done? Another year wasted. A new one still to come.
32 years. I can remember the past dozen. Some were ok. Everything that was fun is just a bitter memory of the past. With an unlikelyhood that things will get better. So I’m hiding in my room again. Like a god-damn teenager, but I can no longer blame it on hormones. Now it’s just *me*.
I’m educated, rich enough and slightly underweight. Not particularly attractive. My family is kind and mildly successful without being conceited.
“I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship”
Noone has contacted me for days. I can no longer live with the self-destructive decisions I’ve made. The future is a slow, desperate slide into a deeper cesspit of indifferent crap.
You think your Xmas presents matter? Well guess what? I didn’t fucking buy any. I had no more interest to figure out what people wanted. I wish to God you didn’t buy me any ‘cos now I’ll have to feel like the fucking scrooge.
I’ve lost all will or energy to continue. I wish I could lay down and die. And I can’t even do that because it would fuck up my family. Yeah suicide would be too fucking selfish. So I need to march on.
I know I’m dead already but *they* don’t know it yet.
Walking ghost phase.
Look it up.
And that would be the only way I could kill myself: thermo-fucking-nuclear explosion. Instant vaporization. No chance to feel pain. No chance to mess it up. Nothing to clean up. Since I was ten or twelve I knew that would be the only way. Hard to accomplish, but easier on those left behind.
Stuck.
Fuck.
Cue: “Terrible Lie” – NiN
8 comments
Whats stopping you from living a happier life?
Im 20, im educated too but Ive been broken down over the years and Ive lost all my self-esteem, confidence and Im really insecure. I mean Ive wanted to die since I was 13 and before everything happened before I felt how I do now, I knew I was going to end up like this.
But you’ve got money, I presume your own place and a job aswell.
I cant even go out and get a job, I get so anxious, uncomfortable and insecure id rather stay home and hide away. Which is what I done between 18 to my 20th birthday when I attempted to hang myself. And even now after I improved for a short while im back in the same place I was before, slipping back into my old routine. Like in my previous post, im in a vicious cycle, but can you move on and improve?
Yeah, I have my own (small) apartment. and 400 CDs. And no TV.
I was an unpopular kid at school and university. Now I’m the funny (looking) guy at the party. I’m able to tell jokes, and stories. You can change. You’re young. you have what, 10-12 years on me? For me I learned things too late:
It doesn’t make a difference because I cant change the past. And the future aint looking great either because it will be fucked up by my past.
I moved on, I improved. I even got laid a few times. But it’s not long before I mess things up again. My life is a constant struggle and in the end it’s just a waste of time. I don’t like the person I am and I’m powerless to change it: my contrarian stubborn mind and ego won’t let me. Self-help books make me puke. Henry Rollins is the only guy I respect.
Readers: if I could give one advice for the future; “listen to Henry Rollins” would be it (to paraphrase “Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen” – note use of clever pop-culture references)
I hate what I’ve become but I cannot change the past. All the mistakes I’ve made. The people I’ve hurt that have moved on, except me: I remain with more and more scars until there will be nothing but scar tissue covering a body that’s full of acid and vitriol.
And here I am convincing you your life is worth something. At least you have more guts than me – I couldn’t kill myself. I don’t have it in me.
Noone knows how ashamed I am at fucking everything up. So I’m hiding in my old room. In the dark*. Not to be melodramatic, but seriously: *in the dark*.
I can’t figure out how to turn on the light switch.
Last time I checked my IQ was around 130. I have a degree in electronics and am a senior engineer at *insert company here* and I am unable to turn on the light-switch. There is a (radio-remote) on/off button and a remote 16-button on/off/dimmer. Seriously I’ve pressed every combination of buttons and I cannot turn the thing on. So I’m sitting in the dark writing this on Christmas Eve. Does that make me a loser? I think it does.
waterfallofpaint,
even being a president of a country doesn’t make him the cleverest of all.
Even high IQ means nothing to live great.
Even one is stupid, just clever enough to ask for others’ help, and with a lot of help, even can build an fortune of empire.
As in the case of not knowing how to turn on the light switch, if just taking a snapshot of that switch and put it on webs for people to share their thoughts to a solution. Then even a stupid brain can live great.
Problem becomes great and critical, only when one should doom as eternal.
A stupid person can even live happy when one is content.
Only keeping oneself inside the maze in thinking of being stupid, can one be real stupid and sad, and that applicable to all gender and intellect.
And you don’t live by the book, you just react on things encountered, solve it on the spot, or throw the net of problems out for people to help you solve it one by one.
If you are to uphold those problems, it’d become your past, your unforgiven past. So how can you move on with simple problems keep stacking up ! There’s only hate could be.
suicideproject.org/2010/12/and-then/
She’s a lovely girl.
If you could send her $200 to buy herself a Christmas dinner, the warmth-filled Christmas joy one could receive, is the love, the tiny bud of life you can help ignite with a spark, and please.
(Send with no questions asked. And ask for no returns. Cause real love is just a ray.)
Fireflies, are you freaking kidding me? You’re spouting badly grammaticized platitudes at him and you want a TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR HAND-OUT for a DINNER? Are you a bot or what?
You’ve given me a bit to think about, though. Maybe real contentment is just stupidity, and maybe real love is just being a total sucker.
waterfallofpaint, I understand. I’m sitting around in the dark too (by choice, though), and have no one to talk to or see over this looong Christmas holiday.
You said to the 20-year-old above that he still had time but that you don’t. 32 is still a baby!
What if you were like me, 43, female and single? Now that’s what I call being a social leper. But even as I type this I think of other people in my demographic who don’t see themselves as cursed. Some of it really is mental attitude.
Can we change our mental attitude? It’s probably possible, although it’s difficult and slower than the creep of an iceberg. What about lowering our expectations? Can we live with the fact that friends don’t call when we want them to, or that we spend too much time alone?
You gloss over the fact that your family would be fucked up if you committed suicide, but that is not something to take so lightly. My own family still hasn’t forgiven me for being “different” and for dropping out of the legal profession 13 years ago.
Have you ever travelled? Been to countries where people have very little but still seem able to enjoy life? I know that’s a cliche, but I’ll bet that bettering their material circumstances seems as impossible to them as bettering your mental attitude seems to you. Yet they don’t give up, still work extremely hard to earn a living (for the record, I lived in Asia for 8 years and have met many of this type of person).
You seem to have a decent job. if I were you, I’d take a holiday and get on a plane to Thailand, Laos or Cambodia and change your environment for a while. I have such a trip planned myself, although right now the prospect of it isn’t very cheering. I’m hoping that will change once I get there.
I hope you experience some comfort and peace of mind….
Hiya – I wrote the post that fireflieslite is referring to… I had no idea he (I assume it’s a he…) wrote that until now. I don’t know who it is or anything about him/her. Strange… I don’t understand half of what s/he writes, but I appreciate the sentiment.
Anyway, I wanted to comment on you post regardless. You sound like someone I would know. Or like a page from my journal.
I don’t know… I guess it comforts me when I meet someone who feels or has felt as stuck as I do. Maybe because I feel less alone. That’s all this is, I guess; trying to find people to relate to.
Ok
Whong one shit