i feel like i should share my story for someone to know why i have gone, so at least someone can know what really happened to me so i can leave in peace.
my dad is from the west coast and my moms from missouri. how they met is a mystery. somewhere between august and september, the condom broke and i was concieved. i know for a fact that it was a condom that broke because they weren’t married and dad would be cautious. i was then born 9 months later into a fucked-up family. my aunt had two kids, each without a dad (well, you know what i mean) and then my papa (grampa) had to help raise them along with my parents. my grandma wasn’t good to my dad (thats his story not mine). my mom’s parents didnt see me a lot because they didn’t like dad (mom says they were racist). but still, for most of my childhood i was happy. we didnt have a lot of money and i didnt have any friends, but i was content. then, when my cat got taken away, the voices began. i cant remember what age they started. they were my first friends and i used to talk to them a lot. they would be with me always. i was fairly young though and i did what they told me. i suffocated my sister because of them (i think). again i was gullible.
i started school and i got bullied. i didnt talk that much. i didnt need to talk to anyone. but i was bullied for it. by the time i was seven, i made my only friend, lily.
i was seven when my parents seperated. i put on a strong face and dealt with it. i had to be the “man” of the house, even though i was still scared. i remember their arguments as clear as day. i suppose i cried too much during that period and so i cant cry now. my support was books. i planned my escape in them. that was when i became depressed.
it sunk in over the years. i have moved to two towns, two counties over. i have been raped, hurt, and seen someone shot before. i have not told anyone of this though. i am still the “man” of the house. i have drunk, smoked weed, and been still completely normal. i have fallen in love and been hurt in the end. i have swallowed 49 pills and sat on the kitchen floor, staying awake for my little sister and talking to a friend as a life support. i have cried my eyes out over losing a picture and been dry-faced when my papa died. i have dealt with dads disease and moms surgery. i have heard things, almost done things, that are hard to describe.
but still i dont know why i go on. im not happy. i know my purpose. i was to protect my sister from every horrible thing done to me. my purpose is done. im moving on now. if anyone knows a painless (or really quick) way to die, please tell me. thank you. may i see you in the next life.