New Start

I’m from Germany and currently it’s 1:22 am. (Btw, you’ll notice that English is not my first language. I’m 14 (Yeess, searching for excuses )The new year started aawwwessommee! But first I wanted to tell you the background. I have two older sisters, both of them moved out a long time ago. Okay, actually they got expelled from home. They didn’t say something like “you should leave now”. No, my father hit them. I can’t remember much; I was like 4 or 6 or so… But I remember on thing clear, my sister screamed and lied on the floor, my father would stand in front of her and I was running to them and begging him to stop. He didn’t; he just pushed me away. And who arranged that? My dear mother. I don’t know why, but what is so bad that you have to trash your own child out of you house?

I still have contact to my sister, even if my mother wouldn’t talk to her. There’s one thing I can’t understand, my father and my sister have an excellent relationship. Sorry but WHAT THE FUCK?!

Now everyones talking to me like: Oh my gosh, the other family members are SO bad! Don’t trust them. They tell me stories like that: My oldest sister did something wrong and my parents put her dog collar on and chain her to the bed. Or my father hit my mother and then our dog came and wanted to bite him and he kicked him over and over. The dog died. I’m freaking 14! I can’t judge! And I actually just want to leave.

When I was 10 my mother told me I should go to a Judo class. I should be able to defense myself when a man wants to hit or rape me or something like that. Word for Word. I know that I was the only girl in the class and that I hated it! We had two trainers, both male. Everytime I try to remember visually it’s all blurry. I know his smell and things like that,  and I also know that something happened. I never told anybody because who would believe me? It’s 4 years ago and all I can say is: I don’t know what exactly happened, but I feel all dirty and I really hate them. Nobody would. Even my mother wouldn’t. I begged her, said that I wanted to leave the class but she didn’t listen. Then I ask her to stay the whole time. She didn’t.

Summer ’09 she went really bad. She’s got cervical cancer and just saw a doctor once. Mom told me she wanted to die. What’s worth living? She said. We were fighting more often. She’d held up her middlefinger to me or call me fat or stupid. I mean, I not fat. I weigh 110 lbs. ( Hello inferiority complex! ) Today she called me a whore. I probably should care. But I don’t.

January ’10 I started to cut myself. Fast it became a daily routine. But now I got it under control, I think. I just do it 3 – 4 times a month. But the cuts getting deeper and once it scared me to death. I have awesome friend and they know about it and don’t call me ’emo’ ( Btw, I think emo’s are okay ) One of my friends told me ( she’s adopted ) her biological father killed somebody. I want to talk with her about it, not because I’m interested in gossip I just want to help her. I know she has problems, too, and I don’t want her to be so fucked up like me. She’s … amazing. Not one these girls that think make up is the world. They like books and are geeks and I love them for that!

Here we are now. 2:13 am. I’m not crying anymore, but I have a plan. I already tried to kill myself, though today I know how. My father got sleeping pills and then I’m out. Mom’s absolutely right; it’s not worth it.