Hi
I came across this site purely by accident, and I guess I’m typing to get my thoughts out of my head and ‘onto paper’.
I’m 39 tomorrow and feeling like “what have I done with my life?” but more of “what do I want to do with my life?”
My parents had still born twins in the January before I was born, so I have always thought my purpose was to be the male twin’s new body on earth since he didn’t get a chance to experience anything. I still think this but there must be something more to my existence.
I used to have ambitions of having my own business, be my own boss. I saw the stress and the hours my parents put into their business only for them to have to pull out (mostly for health reasons). I left school with basic qualifications wanting to start work cause it was the grown up thing to do. I eventually got up to a job I wanted through self teaching and was very proud of that. Then I started up my own business in that industry and was doing fairly well – until one client who I really thought I wanted would constantly put the work I was doing down and I took it all very personally. I would stop answering the phone, letting the answering machine pick up the calls and when they started withholding their number I would start panicking. Even now, 6 years later, I still have bouts of panic when my phone rings. I eventually had to give up the business and applied for a job I never ever thought I’d get, never mind succeed in. I did have my depression break down period within all of this and was going to drive my car over the top of a hill on my way home but something or someone stopped me.
Even now, I make so many excuses not to go to peoples’ weddings, birthdays or other do’s cause I can’t face being in public – I like coming home and doing nothing. Yet at the same time, I get bored and want to go out.
During the business fiasco I got very down about my weight and lost 71lb which is still my greatest achievement in my adult life I reckon. I went on to help with WW helping others lose weight. But then with the business going the way it was I started comfort eating and the weight started piling back on.
I am gay but that’s something that’s never bothered me or anyone who knows me. I’m in a very accepting city and my parents and friends are so supportive. I have been with my partner for 12 1/2 years, in a civil partnership for 4 1/2.
So basically, I live in a rented cottage in a beautiful setting, I have a car that I always wanted, in a great loving relationship, have a job I’m happy in, have fantastic parents.
On paper I have everything I could want, but I feel unfulfilled. What is my purpose? I don’t have any ambition to get any further in the career I’m in or any desire to change career. I can’t see myself ever being with anyone else and have no desire to move house ever again either. I just feel like I’ve come as far as I need to and want it all to end, not drag out anymore.
This isn’t a desperate plea like some, I’m not away to top myself when I stop typing, but I don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks for listening, I’m sure it’ll all become clear at some point for me.
3 comments
I’ve given up on ever getting a career, or reconciling with my family, or getting my grs, or finding happiness, or finding a partner and so on. I guess I’ve just given up full stop. I’m sick of this world, this society and the people in it and the status quo which is utterly corrupt to the core…
Very few people ever achieve all that they want in life honey, and you sound like you’ve at least achieved some of what you wanted to. Also so many people try to fulfill their parents expectations in the hope of making them proud instead of following their own hearts, and I think that’s unfair to be honest. I know it’s really hard, confronting and painful but you have to differentiate between unrealistic hopes and achievable goals and if you can get to a point where you’re comfortable in yourself and just accept things as they are. Anyways whatever you do take care okay, peace!!! ^_^
I’m 38 btw…
And have a nice birthday *hugs* tc…