I came across this site purely by accident, and I guess I’m typing to get my thoughts out of my head and ‘onto paper’.
I’m 39 tomorrow and feeling like “what have I done with my life?” but more of “what do I want to do with my life?”
My parents had still born twins in the January before I was born, so I have always thought my purpose was to be the male twin’s new body on earth since he didn’t get a chance to experience anything. I still think this but there must be something more to my existence.
I used to have ambitions of having my own business, be my own boss. I saw the stress and the hours my parents put into their business only for them to have to pull out (mostly for health reasons). I left school with basic qualifications wanting to start work cause it was the grown up thing to do. I eventually got up to a job I wanted through self teaching and was very proud of that. Then I started up my own business in that industry and was doing fairly well – until one client who I really thought I wanted would constantly put the work I was doing down and I took it all very personally. I would stop answering the phone, letting the answering machine pick up the calls and when they started withholding their number I would start panicking. Even now, 6 years later, I still have bouts of panic when my phone rings. I eventually had to give up the business and applied for a job I never ever thought I’d get, never mind succeed in. I did have my depression break down period within all of this and was going to drive my car over the top of a hill on my way home but something or someone stopped me.
Even now, I make so many excuses not to go to peoples’ weddings, birthdays or other do’s cause I can’t face being in public – I like coming home and doing nothing. Yet at the same time, I get bored and want to go out.
During the business fiasco I got very down about my weight and lost 71lb which is still my greatest achievement in my adult life I reckon. I went on to help with WW helping others lose weight. But then with the business going the way it was I started comfort eating and the weight started piling back on.
I am gay but that’s something that’s never bothered me or anyone who knows me. I’m in a very accepting city and my parents and friends are so supportive. I have been with my partner for 12 1/2 years, in a civil partnership for 4 1/2.
So basically, I live in a rented cottage in a beautiful setting, I have a car that I always wanted, in a great loving relationship, have a job I’m happy in, have fantastic parents.
On paper I have everything I could want, but I feel unfulfilled. What is my purpose? I don’t have any ambition to get any further in the career I’m in or any desire to change career. I can’t see myself ever being with anyone else and have no desire to move house ever again either. I just feel like I’ve come as far as I need to and want it all to end, not drag out anymore.
This isn’t a desperate plea like some, I’m not away to top myself when I stop typing, but I don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks for listening, I’m sure it’ll all become clear at some point for me.