So I just talked to my mum and I feel like she’s still not getting it. I don’t think she realises how bad I am at the minute. Think she thinks I am putting on a display. I think i’m clinically depressed and am really struggling to hold it together. Me and my mum have no relationship and yet she expects me to let a new man come into our house every weekend or she goes to his house and I have to go and spend the night at my dads. I am nearly 18 and still being forced out of my own house. It really hurts that she has a better relationship with a man she met 3 months ago on the internet than her own daughter who she has lived with for nearly 18 years. I feel that before I can have any relationship with a new stepdad, I need to have any kind of relationship with my mum. We have decided that he will come down saturday afternoon and stay saturday night and then go home sunday morning, which is no problem. She wanted him to come friday night, stay all day saturday, stay saturday night and then go home on the sunday morning. Can somebody from the outside give me their opinion? My stepdad only moved out 5 months ago and he had been here for 10 years, and I have tried to kill myself about 5 times since then and self harm all the time. We only met paul last weekend and he was here all weekend. Which one of us do you think is asking for too much?? She still didn’t seem happy with the compromise.
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Well I think your mother on one hand is afraid of loneliness mind you not the Im all alone in the world type but the I need a man to love me type. On the other hand you dont want sudden changes and for another person to so suddenly want to take over a part that your stepdad has been occupying for a long time. She might be asking you too much but at least she came to a compromise even if she isn’t happy with it. She did in one way respect your feelings. And really there are mothers who wouldn’t have come to such a compromise. But yeah if I were in your position I would also think she was asking for too much but wayyyy too much in particular a man she barely knows 3 months? But how society is advancing at least it wan’t within a month. Well theres my opinion on the matter. Good luck with your mother and her boyfriend.
I have a similar experience. My mom and dad divorced when I was in 3rd grqde and she started dating really quick. I did not understand all i wanted was for my mom and dad to get back together because I did not know anything else. As a youth I reacted with anger/rage, misplaced hurt, even tho my dad beat us and my mom. Give your mom some space. She had been with the same man for many many years, maybe good? maybe bad? I would imagine your mom is scared. She is reaching out for comfort. She is probably hurting inside and not showing you. I would suggest writing a letter to your mom. She can not argue with a letter. You can say everything you want to. Put it in a format that lets her know that her actions hurt you. I mean how does it make you feel when she has guys over on the weekends? Come from a place of love not anger. As for your failed attempts at suicide, stop it!!! At the young age of 17 you still have some wonderful experiences ahead of you like, The “I DO” as you look into your partners eyes. If you decide to have kids that first time you hear it cry, to many firsts when you have children (they are the most beautiful things in life). You have some really beautiful experiences ahead of you, if you wait you will see. I on the other hand will put myself to rest. I have experienced life and I am not interested in experiencing old age. If you can please find peace, the longer you live with depression and misery the harder it is to get rid of. 🙂
@screaminfetus – have already written her two letters and trust me they were full of love not anger. I also understand exactly where she is coming from that’s why I gave in to him coming at christmas, because I do want her to be happy and he seems nice. But all I want in return is a bit of consideration.
@PsychoLunatix – Thanks for the comment, that is exactly my opinion on the matter
Hannah, can you talk to a counsellor at your school? Maybe someone there can refer you to a doctor with whom you can discuss your feelings of depression? It’s a terrible thing to struggle with alone and especially without professional help. I am hoping you don’t really want to kill yourself but are just feeling a lot of despair and are hurting yourself in order to let the feelings out (I’ve done the same). But even if this is so, you shouldn’t have to struggle so much. I’ve heard that “you’re just putting on a display” comment myself from my parents and it sucks; why would someone make up depression, something that hurts so much?
As other people have written here, your mother is not totally behaving as a responsible adult (not to cast aspersions on your mum, but…). Adults have needs for love and security too, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of their children. Unfortunately, many of us don’t get what we need from our parents. Many parents think they are trying their best. And maybe they are, for someone in their state of mind at the moment. She doesn’t care more about a man she met 3 months ago than about you; he’s just an easy distraction from her issues – it can be hard work to make a family run smoothly and with respect. A lot of people would rather just escape than deal with their problems head-on.
To me, you sound like a strong and intelligent young woman. I think you can get through this using all your resources. One day you will realize that your mother just can’t help herself. This objectivity will make you realize all this is not your fault and will be a great relief to you.
Re: school – can you talk to your teachers about deferring some exams due to your situation at home? Maybe if you get a doctor’s note..? It’s not the end of the world to flunk out of a term or two of school, even if it seems like a big deal at the time.
Best wishes,
Jennifer
I am a mother of a 14 year old who is living with his father against my wishes because of family court decisions. I would dearly love to have him with me right now. I think your mother is acting appallingly. You have every right to feel betrayed – what your mother is doing is wrong. She is making choices – and not respecting you – or keeping you safe. Who is this man who she invites into your home? Why would you be interested in him? Her responsibility is to protect, love and nurture you – end of story.
Do not EVER think you have to compromise in order to satisfy her needs. From what I can gather you have been effected by TWO relationship breakups – what is it that your mother doesn’t get about the example she is setting for her daughter? DO NOT feel bad about how you are feeling – look to the future and start working out a path away towards your own life, with your own values – and your own independence. I wish you my love as a heartbroken mother.
It just got worse actually. HE has decided that he wants to stay on Sunday. Not the night just the daytime. I
Sorry accidentally submiited it. Anyway, I would be fine with that except my mum is working til half 1 and my brother goes to his dads on a sunday. So I am home alone with him all day. He has suggested we take the dogs for a walk, and I think that might be a good idea?? It is going to be freaking uncomfortable, but I’m thinking maybe I can talk to him and get him to back off for a while?