hello netizens. i am just a “kid”. is what they always say to me. just like any other person on here, im also dealing with suicide. im just like an ordinary person with little worries, but thatsÂ fake.Â is anyone like that too?Â To start you off, when i was 8, my mom lost to a year-long battle of cancer. Her side of the family was said that they tricked her into signing a paper stating that the money in the bank she saved up for me is now theirs.
Â Now, my dad’s side of the family took me in, and they went to court for the whole money issue. But the thing is, my dad’s family doesn’t care for him at all-just for me (mainly because of the thousands of dollars i will inherit when i turn 18). You see, my dad has been those type of ‘bad boys’ back in highschool and my family just *hates* him for not having a job, barely home (also when my mom was alive. sometimes, he didn’t come home for days and my mom even had to search the web for local jails just in case he was in the slammer. my mom became suspicious of my dad of him cheating on her and my mom made him delete all the female numbers on his phone and my dad refused to and they practically argued a lot about that. although my dad seems like a bad person, hes a good person though. he’s just lonely thats all. his brother (<- uncle), and his other 2 sisters (<- my aunts) keep on talking a shit load of smack about him-even my grandma(<-my dad’s mom). i can’t stand it when they do that. even my aunt’s kid does it too. i really want to yell at them and curse them for saying these kinds of things but i dont want them to scold me or yell at me (<-your typical asian student). so then, i created this mask- a happy, go-lucky one i kept around friends and family. but sometimes, i drop my guard when im at my mother’s cemetary.)
in second grade or so, this lady kept calling my dad’s mom’s house aka my grandma’s. the crazy ***** kept on calling and threatning my mom about killing and me. smart as i was, i suspected that she had a son also because i would hear a male’s voice sometimes when i picked up the phone (i remember “Sexy Back” playing one time). my grandma and my aunts and uncles got so annoyed that they were force to unplug the phone until the police settled it all. turns out, the lady was my dad’s friend who was either a wife that suspected her husband cheating on her or she was my dad’s lover. i dont know the exact story but everytime i imagine of meeting her and her kid, i would love to beat the daylights out of them. i probably wont even be able to stop till’ they stop breathin’. fuck, i dont give a shit if i went to juvy for that or even got a death sentence cause’ no one fucks with my mom even if she is dead or even my dad.
anyway, when i was in 3rd grade (<-same grade when i lost my mother but this is after her death), we had a poetry unit. without knowing it, i wrote poems about depression, death, and suicide. i was young and stupid, so i showed it off to my teacher and family. my teacher seemed alarm but didnt notify my family members. my family didn’t take much of notice.
around 4th or 5th grade, i started dealing with the police. they often came by the house and search through for my father. my dad is a druggie and maybe even a drug dealer (im not sure since my dad is shady on this) but there was this one time when my dad had to call my grandma and tell her to bail him out of jail for the possession of a controlled substance aka drugs. it was a big blow to a 11 year old me. what i realized around that time was the weight of life. it was too frightening and i couldnt face it, so that was when the mask started.
Â i even began to see through my grandma. yea, shes lonely after her youngest daughter moving out, her third oldest daughter marrying and having a child with a black (my aunt was even disowned for that-no worries, i still visit her but my grandma despises her, her husband, and their child. my aunt is divorced woman before she met my step-uncle so she had a kid with her previous husband-which my grandma doesn’t really like the kid since hes bad. but, anyway, my grandma isÂ f a k e. she forces me to go to church and all she does and sit herÂ fat ass there and gossip the whole entire them-them people also be looking at us too. i cant tell her to hush since that will be rude (<-i am eastern asian, so respect and obedience plays a huge part in our culture). she seems to love to spread the story about my mother’s death and make meÂ seem a lonely child since im the only child andÂ my grandma will try to make people pity her.Â when i entered middle school, around 7th grade, she began to get more irritated and short-tempered when i was around. she was only kind when guests were over. this always made me hugely pisssed off and she would go on speeches about how if i dont obey her, shell kick me out and leave me there to die. yea, gets you pretty pisssed right? so, whenever im around her, theres always this tension in the air. but she still does all the cleaning and cooking around the house. so i guess that evens it out..
and when i was 11, ive began to have thoughts of suicide. i even stacked up on painkillers from my grandma’s medicine cabinet. sometimes,Â when i was thatÂ age, i was tempeted to use them but i was tooÂ scared.Â i thought thatÂ i can’t leave my dad(<-not bragging, but my dad is a playboy)Â behind and have him deal with all of there is left. i even have it to this day.
at the age of 13, i began to smoke weed and doing drugs-but not the hardcore kinds like meth. just the beginner kinds of stuff. but i still kept my grades up but if it slipped, i’d stopped and until it goes back to an A. i began drinking at 14 but im not an achky or anything but sometimes, i just need the feelings of being loose, happy, and carefree.
Â i dont know who to trust anymore since ive been decieved all my life. ive had thoughts that the family i am staying with now is only going to take care of me just because of the inheritance but they claim that they are protecting it from my mother’s side of the family. the best way out of this problem is: death.
Â so, ive been planning out the scenario of my death-first of all, it would be on the same day as my mother’s death(three days after Christmas), since it is on winter break, my uncle will be at work, my grandma would be too busy shopping at some asian market and i would be home alone. i would get out the pills or aÂ nooses(im not too sure on that yet) lock myself in the room, haveÂ a letter written already and from there, im done. i cross my fingers that no one wont find me in time since ive read that out of the 80% of kids whove attempted this, only 20% succedded. its a fairly small percentage but i guess they took a lot of pills or something was already wrong with them or that no one didnt find them in time. this plan may need some revision.
“i dont know”