Random thoughts

I woke up this morning with a depressive feeling all too familiar to me. Thoughts that accompany this feeling are something along the lines of ‘I’m not good enough…I don’t fit in…life is finite and death can’t be avoided’. These thoughts and feelings have been with me since I was a teenager and years of therapy haven’t made them go away, although it has helped talking about them to someone. I have now trained myself as a psychotherapist and have come into contact with many people who speak of suicidal thoughts (it really is far more common than I could have imagined).  Often it is linked to wanting change.  This may be to do with a situation but is more profoundly linked to a changing sense of self i.e. who we are, and the actions we take in the world.  However,  embracing change, whilst paradoxically an inevitable part of our existence, is not always easy.   I came across this site because I googled something like the ‘easiest way to commit suicide’. Perhaps that sums up some of my own dilemma. I want it to be easy – life, death. I want it to be painless – life, death. Seems to me that neither are and when I accept this I seem to make the best out of my life, even, if at times, I find that tough. I have no answers as to whether we should or shouldn’t commit suicide, or how to live a happy life. But it seems to me we are stuck with an unavoidable responsibility for whatever action we take. To live, to die….