ripples

Many people on here may be contemplating suicide, but have never experienced the other side of it. I have just recently with my best friend. People who don’t believe anyone will care couldn’t be more wrong. But the sad part is that when they do take their life they won’t be able to see the ripples it makes.

I do not know how to put the pain of losing someone by their own will into words. But I will try, because I hope at least one of you will be able to take something from it. Maybe think for a second this isn’t my only option.

When I first discovered she died it didn’t feel real. I felt numb. I had to continue through my day. I sat in class and scratch my arm until it bled. I still have a scar that will always be able to remind me of this time. When my friend took her life she did it with pills. It put her in a coma, but she was brain dead so she wasn’t with us. Everyone was crying. even people that didn’t really know her that well. some of these people pissed me off, because she is my best friend and i got kind of possessive with my grief, but i then thought its good that so many people care. some did just do it for the attention and that still irks me. me and a group of her friends went to visit her in the hospital. Seeing her family broke my heart, but seeing her broke me altogether.

I learned to hate words and sayings like RIP, funeral, dead. Even now i carry this humongous weight like my heart is heavy. its impossible for me to explain. some nights i break down in tears or start hating myself for not being able to see and not being able to save her. It’s is entirely unfair because she IS one of the most incredible people i ahve ever met. Sometimes i feel so guilty that i didn’t reach out. she asked me to hang out the morning on the night she took her life i find it impossible to forgive myself for being busy and not blowing off my plans. I will always wish i could do that day over. She will always be a part of me and she will always be my best friend.

I may not be able to do it over but i can ask you who are contemplating it to stop and think about what it means for everyone. And if our give up today you might miss something that will change your life tomorrow. so please live for tomorrow.