It half past midnight in the shittiest small-town in the world.I feel so unwanted, and no matter how happy i get, its only for a little while, and my happiness is always over-shadowed by my ‘Depression’.
I hate that they have the power to label a jar, shove me in it, and shove that jar containing me in a cupboard they’ll forget about. I want happy pills, not fucking St. Johns Wort, that stupid organic mood-booster just gives me headaches.
I hate myself.
For a while i blamed other for being the reason i feel sad, tormented, hurt, always hurting and empty.
But i realize i’ve done it to myself.
Every useless scar on my body was made by me.
I did this to myself.
I have no excuses.
Why am i such a coward i cant die?
im just a 14 year old girl, high school sucks worse than i thought, and i hate myself and my life. why me?
please, please, please help me.
8 comments
I too feel like it’s all my fault, even when things are in no way related to me.
You are not a coward, you are dealing with life, a life that sometimes (and often) can suck.
But you are not just someone who can be put into a jar, you are an individual that can not be labeled by society and medicine. Be proud of who you are.
Ive heard the same thoughts ring in my head before, keeping me up an night, those long restless nights that never end. You know the saying, “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” well its true, you grow up a hell of alot stronger then the people who cant understand you, even if you cant see that now.
I still blame my self at times, It can hurt alot more when you get to that point, that you have so little self confidence that even your hell is of your making. But in the end its useless, its useless to blame anything or anyone, there will always be a hundred reasons for why you are the way you are. Just keep fighting the good fight we all fight it with you
Don’t worry i am also 14 and i’m feeling similar, I think/hope that if i keep pushing forward until I can leave then things will be better. Make a goal, keep to it, keep going thats what I’m doing. About the cutting, for me its sort of a way to feel like i’m alive, for now it feels as if i’m always in slow motion and the pain helps lift it sometimes. But its not a fix, just find something that will occupy you until you can leave. I’m just waiting, then ill move to Toronto and start a new, leaving the past behind. I hope for both of us it gets better 🙂
Someone told me yesterday the truth frees you, maybe by admitting the truth it will make us stronger.
but what isnt killing me just makes me sadder, not stronger.
in fact im so fragile.
i dont know what to do.
but thanks 🙂
Hey I’m 17 and I felt the same way as you did at 14 and things haven’t gotten much better since then, but anyway email me charlotte.hook@hotmail.co.uk if you want to talk. Just to warn you though I’m going away until the 2nd January, so my reply might be a bit delayed if you decide to make contact with me. Take care, C.
you know it seemed like that for me at my darkest times, but it does get better when you have a goal to work for. For me I sort of long for death but I also think it will be a waist if I die. There is probably something out there that we can do that will help the world! Just try to hold on until you get out of high school, My teacher once told me that even though i dont fit in, in highschool, university or a better word for it life, will set you free.
Things always seem to get worse before they get better, the fact that your on this site tells me your stronger then you think