I’m losing control again and yet again nobody is here to help me…
My mom left me and my family when I was 3 years old my younger brother only being a year old. He doesn’t really care to much about it he can’t really miss somebody he doesn’t remember, but I remember her even if its not much. My dad got a gf soon after and she took care of us till I was about 5. Soon after I started taking care of my brother and myself my dad had two jobs and still didn’t make enough to put us in daycare. To this day my brother still sees me as a mother figure. At the age of 10 that’s when my dad started raping me. I didn’t understand and he told me that what he was doing to me was okay and normal and that if I kept it a secret I would be able to still have friends and go and do things and If I didn’t that I would be locked up in a room for the rest of my life. I’m 19 now and he still continues to rape me, even though I know what he is doing is wrong now I can’t bare to send him to jail because I love him to much to give him a life sentence. And My brother who has a mental disorder would be sent of to foster care… the foster care up here is shit, they only do it for the money and never take care of the kids and I can’t do that to my brother. But it takes its toll on me still knowing that as long as I stay here I will be raped by my own father. I’ve only told a few people what has been going on and that has helped a little bit. When I was 16 I was working and helping my dad pay bills, and it was beyond stressful. I would wake up at 5 to go to a church class at 6 then go to school at 7:30 get out at 2 and then work from 3pm to 12am. I was working 9 hour shifts as a minor. I rarely had a day off and when I did they would call me and ask if I could work. I pretty much lost all my friends because I couldn’t make time for them my grades dropped dramatically and thats when things went even worse. My dad started yelling at me constantly about my grades, so I cut back my hours to get my grades up not even a week later my dad would yell at me for not making enough money so I got my hours back… it was a lose/lose situation.Â About 6 months of dealing with this I broke down, I had already been cutting myself and christmas eve I was going to kill myself the only thing that stopped me was my brother walked in right before I did it.
I was at lunch when i broke down I couldn’t stop crying and I called my dad to come get me. I showed him theÂ cuts and I told him I needed help but he told me it was a phase and that soon I would feel better. Realizing that I would never get help I managed to find a way where I felt nothing. And I have been living that way since i was 16 I am now 19. I still feel happiness all the emotions a normal person feels but I manage to keep from feeling close to anyone. I don’t trust anybody because In the end all I ever do is get hurt.Â And I don’t want to be this way but anytime I have ever let anybody get close they rip me apart and stomp on me with everything they have.
I’ve always known I’ve had severe depression but it seems like I will never get any help with it. I started cutting myself again and its the only thing that helps. I smoke Weed because it keeps me from killing myself everyday it has a magical way of making me forget everything that I don’t want to remember for a few good hours.Â I have a few close friends and I finally admitted how I was feeling depressed and admitted I was cutting and All i got back was you need to stop. Nothing supportive or somebody reaching out to help me find a way to get better.
Which makes it even worse because I’m the “friend” they all go to when they are feeling down and sad and need somebody to talk to. Or when the need somebody to make them happy. Because I do my best to make them feel loved so maybe one day they will see that is what I need. But with everyday goes by nobody seems to notice that I’m falling apart inside.Â And I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with acting like everything is okay and telling myself everything will work out
My willpower to stay alive is growing smaller everyday and I wonder what it’s going to take to get somebody to realize that i need help… But at the same time I can’t because I don’t want them to think I’m an attention whore, because I tried to commit suicide but I don’t know anything that works because I’ve tried talking and it doesn’t work… Nothing does… and all thats been in my mind lately is just ending it because then I won’t feel all the pain i feel inside thats eating me up.