My life was once full of joy and laughter. i would smileÂ every day. but one day, my parentsÂ began fighting.Â And to a 14 year old girl it seemed really bad.Â My mother would cry everyday. My father would continue to drink and smoke as much as he could.Â I would begg him to stop.. he wouldnt listen to me.. no matter how much iÂ begged and cried. At the age of 15 my mother and i left home for a week just to get into a pecefull inviernment, and then we went home..Â 2 days after we got home.. the fighting began. It was 3 days beforeÂ Christmas.. my mother told myÂ father that she wanted a divorce.. i was sad and scared.. i blamed myself for half there fights.. i would cry myself to sleep every night..Â and at the age of 15 i was raped and malested.. it felt like i was being stabed withÂ 1,000Â sharp dagers.. then i began to cut my body.. never my wrist.. that would be the one place my parents wouldÂ look.. id cut my stomach, legs, back, and sides.Â I wouldnt cut deep enought though.. i was always to afraid that id cut to deep and be taken to the hospital. i didnt want anyone to know. This is something that i needed to do to get rid of the pain. It came to a point where i had to look in the mirror and say to myself, “I will not Break! i will shut this world away!! i’ll Survive!”Â I had to say this almost every day just so i wouldnt slit my throat. I needed to find some type ofÂ love, some type of kindness. i needed it, i yearnd for it. So one day.. i gave in to my boyfriend (now my ex) iÂ let him do anything he wanted to me. Half way into it i changed my mind and told him to stop.. he didnt listen and just keped on going. I hated it. but in my mind i thought this was the only way anyone would ever love me. so i let any guy i knew do it. i was smart in one way.. i made sure the guy was clean. so i wouldnt get sick. but now the regret of what ive done scars me.
Â I look around and ask myself “what was i thinking?” but i just wanted love. i needed it to give me a reason to live. but it wasnt the answer. i was such a beautifull lie. Now i am 16 years old. next month ill be 17.. hopefully. As u can see i havent died yet. but i think the only reason is because dont want to scare my girlfriend and boyfriend. Yes i have both because im bie. Another reason i wanna end it all.Â A get picked on dayly because of that. but they told me if i die. they will fallow me. They would take there life just to spend eternity with me in limbo (dont believe u go to heaven if u comit suicide) so for now.. i live.. but i live in pain. i live in sorrow. sometimes i wish i did kill myself.. so i wouldnt have to suffer anymore pain.
Now im going throught more then im saying to you, i figure if ur reading this ur not in a great headspace either. Im Desprate for salvation!! i just want peace! is that so hard!? i just wanna stop crying myself to sleep and cutting up my body! i want my smile back.. i just dont know how much longer ill last….. my heart is black… ther is no going back.. </3