Hi i’m a 25 year old female living in Australia since the age of two. I write this post for everyone but particularly for those young teens out there who feel helpless and alone and feel that the only way it is a self inflicted death, please read on…
I was born in a third world latin american country from parents who survived war and famine. I was blessed to have been brought here and forever greatful I will be. A year after coming to Australia my dad suffered a horrific work accident that left him physically and mentally scarred for life. He became a monster who would beat on my mother day in and day out. He never touched me, as my mother always jumped in to protect me and my younger siblings. However, I didn’t escape the emotional abuse and name calling ‘whore’, ‘slut’, ‘piece of shit’ just to name a few. By the age of seven I had been to dozens of primary schools as my mother left him to move far away from but for some reason or another always returned to him. I guess as a result of this, I became an awkward teenager with few friends who would always be an easy target for the bullies. I grew up confused and unhappy. Religion always played a big part in our up bringing so I use to go to church every sunday and ask God to make it all better. At night I would have dreams of burning in hell as I was taught that if I lied or was ‘bad’, when the rapture happened I would be taken to hell. Soon enough I grew depressed and lonely, I felt like there was no purpose for me to continue to live and that’s when the suicidal thoughts began. I must admit though, that’s as far as I got as I was always to scared to do anything about it because I was always told the suicide was for the weak and it was a ‘sin’. By year 9 I literally had two friends in high school but even they use to bully me at times. I never felt pretty enough for any boys to like me and so I begged my mother to enrol me in an all girls school that way I didn’t have that constant reminder I was ugly and disliked by boys. Unfortunately, being a single mother (my mother finally left my dad for good when I was 11 or 12) she couldn’t afford to send to an all girls school. I became obsessed with my weight and soon enough became bullimic. Funnily enough, once I started looking ‘good’ and thin, boys and the popular girls took notice of me. They accepted me into their group and I became a part of them till the end of high school. For that whole year I felt mostly happy and on top of the world! It felt so good to be liked and accepted as many times before this time I hoped to never make it out of high school, I prayed to God to please take me away. I didnt care how, I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I couldn’t see how life could get any better after high school. Nevertheless, I survived it and made it to my 18th birthday. I partied and hung out with my friends like a normal 18 year old would and then I met a boy. He swept me off my feet and I fell in love for the first time in my life. I was always afraid of dating guys because of the things my father use to say to me in my upbringing. I always put up a wall because I thought all men wanted me only for sex and up until that point I never let any guy into my life although deep down inside I longed for it so bad. I dated this guy for about 10 months and experienced some of the most amazing things about life with him. All good things must come to an end they say, and this ‘thing’ did. After a month long trip overseas, he returned to me a monster. A different person who wanted nothing to do with me. I was devastated and heart broken as I’d given him the most valuable thing I thought I had, my virginity. I became depressed once again and felt worthless, I didn’t want to live and in my head I would play out all the different ways I could day in my head and I’d imagine my funeral. He would be sitting there crying and blaming himself. I took up smoking and drinking to deal with the stress and loneliness, what was I to do. My mother always stood by me but our relationship deteriorated as I became distant and destructive. She would tell me that she prayed for me each day but I couldn’t care less as I was like ‘what’s God got to do with this? He doesn’t seem to be around’. One good thing that came out if this was the bond that I formed with my younger younger sister. Even though I don’t recall alot from that period in my life, I do remember her presence and love for me. Needless to say, I didn’t have a good relationship with my father and till this day I don’t think I ever will. My father was diagnosed with schizophrenia and attempted suicide for the first time in 2006. Regradless of the messed up relationship I have with him, losing him especially to suicide, terrified me. The depression continued and I blamed myself for everything, I continued to think about death and would write my thoughts in my diary and to this day, I’m so scared of reading what I wrote because I was in such a dark place at that time. Life continued to be a blur but I some how made it through each day. I tried therapy, seeking god, self help books but I refused to go on medication as I saw the effects it had on my dad. Self destructive thoughts continued but like I have mentioned a few times I was always to afraid to act on them. Through all this time I worked at various part time jobs whilst I put myself through tafe and then university. I’d go out with my friends and always put on a happy face as I didn’t want anyone to know the real me. After many years of feeling depressed and confused and have many bad things happen to me (btw I have only wrote a fraction of things here because I would rather not remember them all) I found a glimpse of hope. I can’t really pin point where and when but something i’n me clicked, I thought if I choose to continue live, I might as well give life a chance to show me how wonderful it can be. Now, dont get me wrong, I know it’s not that simple, you can’t just wake up one day and feel happy. But just give life a chance, because there is hope and things will get better. To this day, I still struggle with depression but never ‘allow’ myself to get into that black hole I lived in for so long. The memories I have of my father, the bullies in high school and of my first boyfriend are simply that, memories. Bad ones of course but I can’t let the past depict my future, it just wouldn’t be fair. I owe it to my family, friends and myself to give life a chance. In the last couple of years I have had to deal with the suicide of a friend, the deteriorating condition of my father’s mental state, general family problems, losing friends and other obstacles that life brings. It isn’t easy, we all know that but it can be amazing, I know that much.
Now, I’m 25 years old, I have recently finished uni and have landed myself a job that will take me to where I want to be career wise. My family is the most important thing in my life. I have seen my mother find love again, my siblings are growing into amazing human beings and my father is on the other side of the world with his long lost brother. I too have found love again, he’s the most extraordinary person I have met and he keeps me sane when life gets hard. We’re getting married soon aand can’t wait to grow old with him. I’m not extremely religious but I do believe in god and I beleive my spiritual faith has played a big part in the reason I’m still alive today. I hope that by reading this it will give someone a little glimpse of hope.
4 comments
Hope…
It’s such a funny thing, isn’t it?
Because of it, sometimes we can seem to be hella strong to endure ALL the damn pains and sufferings.
Why?
Why is that?
sometimes to this day I’m still wondering (being the agnostic myself) if animals also have this *Hope* thing,.or are we (humans) are the Only higher-animals that have this funny yet amazing thing?
But one thing I know for sure:
The world and civilizations perhaps wouldn’t ever keep progressing if humans never have Hope, at the 1st place.
Hope,..ah, what a funny yet beautiful, amazing thing.
Funny that you say that, because coincidently today I was watching ‘Apocalypto’, not sure if you have watched it but it’s about a civilization that pretty much gets destroyed by the Aztecs. And the only thing that keeps the main character going, after he has lost everything, is hope. I asked myself whether us humans are the only species that have ‘hope’? I don’t know the answer to this question, but i’m sure as hell grateful that it exists. You’re right, it’s a funny yet beautiful thing.
Btw, where are you from?
Sounds like a good movie,.was that based on true story or testimony?
I’m from Indonesia. How bout u?
I’m from Australia. The movie has parts that are based on true events but some degree it is fiction.