Hello everyone, it is a test wall so be careful.
I am a 19 years old guy. I have deep depression and endlessÂ suicidal thoughts that is driving me crazy. I would not say I lived the worst life on earth, I know some people posted on this site have worse stories to tell and worse lives than the 1 I am going toÂ addressÂ in a moment.Â First of all, I am the oldest of my brothers and sisters and always I had to be the best role model for them, which was a little stressful in the start of my life. I was in an SAT school (which was not what I was wishing for but later stuff changed), I was so stressed and I felt that I was going to be simply a loser. Then I met a girl that was like my soul mate, I loved her and I told her then we engaged in a relation. Since I have a bit of religion I never met her outside school (on my will because it happened by accident) and never even touched her and just to be honest, I did like that we were just talking. She told me she loved me too and so but I was a bit sick because I live with my family and so does she. I wanted to be with her all time which was impossible at that moment. So as a normal guy of my place I simply wished her to be my wife… I had my dreams focusing on that issue andÂ realizedÂ that my first step is to pass mt high school with a good grade. She promised me she will be mine forever, she swore to me that she loved me so much. While we were talking someday my mother caught me talking to her (which is not accepted in our family) and kept me under pressure all time that I should not do so. In time we were talking without my mother’sÂ knowledge and her parents (because it is not accepted for her parents too) and her mother got us caught. Well her mother called me and pressed on me pretty hard to her go and took away her cell phone and things went straight into the wall that she wanted to talk to my mother. Well to be honest I gave up and I told my mother to call her mother but my mother asked me what to say so I told her that I wanted the girl to be my wife. She said that she should tell my father before talking to her mom and talking about marriage stuff. But I objected as I knew my father would be another pressure site on me. She did not listen and betrayed me and told him justÂ in frontÂ of me as if things are so OK. My dad went into rage and accused me to be a kid and I should stop talking to the girl. Thats my mom’s betrayal. Then the girl herself managed to be able to talk to me later on without her mom’s knowledge. So stuff went good as I made my grades good and on the last day I saw her in school I was in a terrible condition that I was totally sick of everything. Things went by we both traveled without our parents to study. We both decided to go into the same field since our scores were pretty close (noting that I made her choose so that we could meet). We chose the same field and went through but in differentÂ universities. As soon as I knew that we were different I told my parents that I should go to hers. They kept on playing the all knowing people and that myÂ universityÂ is better and closer to home for 2 weeks until I went into a neural shock and I thought I was going to die or something. Then they decided to make me try changing my college. When we went to change time was up 1 week earlier and that is my parents’ second damage in my life (I believed if I was with her, life would have been better). The girl and I were not able to talk until my family and hers travel back to their jobs and lives. And as soon as we started to talk she noted that she talked to other guys in college (we had a promise never to talk to the other sex), I went into rage and stuff but she promised never to do so again. Later on, we kept talking then she started to mention her cousin a lot as he visits them much and forcing her into speeches with him and inviting her over dinner with her brothers and stuff. I told her to never talk to him again and simply ignore him (noting I can not see her because we live so far from each other, in the days of school we lived close to each other and in another country). But she never listened and kept talking to him and her mom was a little silly because she knows he does bad stuff and never blocks her daughter from him. And her dad knows a little of the subject.. He took her e-mail and phone number (although I warned her never to let him contact her) and he kept calling and e-mailing her for a month or so. Then she told me that she was betraying me. She wanted to stop him, I told her how to do so but seems like she never listened. She kept on talking to him for days and hours and told me later she thinks that she is in love with him. Noting that he is a loser/moron/liar and she knows that well. She kept on talking to him and dumping me from time to time. A few month ago she tells me she never loved me and wanted to separate, I told her to give me time to arrange my life. I have almost a month now before I can ever talk to her again. Things going bad, I love her and I do really care, that guy is messing with her heart and is a lairÂ to claim that he is a perfect guy although his very actions proof the opposite. I am the truth of his lies, I am almost what she likes about him but still she sees him and she does not see me. She tells me that I am merely a friend and I should feel the same way to her. I am not in aÂ fieldÂ of studies I do not love for her sake. I am the only 1 cares for her really. I really love her although she did already a lot of damage for me that I can not handle any more. I want to end my life. My parents seems to be hating me since they betray me. She loves a guy that deserves nothing but hell and I am the guy of her dreams it is just she can not see so. I have major depression now, I do not want to engage or marry any other girl. I can not talk to my friends about it. Society is aggressive about such matters. Things are going really bad. Although I know I have Â a chance in getting her my wife. And even I know that I can really do it if I focus. But still my chance is small and I do not want to get heart broken. I want to die, I wish I was never born. Since religion promises me hell after death I am not really able to commit suicide although the idea is roaming every second. I am pretty loyal and kind and still life treats those liars better than me. Life is so unfair and I am not fitting in it. I am trying to be that perfect guy but still she looks to the dumb guys. I used to have a very sharp mind, now it is getting dull. I am losing control over my life. I wish someone could end my misery. I hear only death whispers asking for my life. I see only tears as my dreams are ruined. I taste only life bitterness and feel only chillness andÂ loneliness.. I wish I was never born.. I wish I never lived.. I wish to do it but I can not.. It is not hell in here and out there.. I wish I would die normally on my own.. I wish death grips me from the living.. I feel like someone dead that is waiting for someone to put him in a grave.. I want to die, I have got enough of this unfair life..