I have quite a lazy view on suicide. It’s one of those things I’ve thought about and often considered from the age of 12/13, I am currently 19. I think me killing myself, in fact I’m rather convinced, that everyone’s lives would be better without me. I’m really quite a disappointment to my family and I feel like I’ve failed them. I want to succeed, but I do not feel motivated or happy, ever. I’ve grown up on the autistic spectrum and have always been lonely and unable to understand or epathise with others. When I was in my pre-teens I developed a phobia of leaving my hous, convinced gangs of children would beat me up (it happened twice) so I have had a very limited amount of social interaction since then. It makes going out with my current friends very difficult and awkward. I end up alone in my house with no one to talk to, feeling very isolated. I used to talk to my mother and aunt about my problems, but in recent years their own lives have become much more stressful, and I feel guilty for ranting about my own problems. All I want is to get good qualifications and get an okay job and live in my own house but I feel that I can never get there and as I cannot feel emotions or empathy very well and I don’t trust others, I worry I will always be alone, have no friends, and never fall in love or have children. I end up wanting to kill myself, simply because I can see what an idiot I am and where my life is going and I don’t want it. However, I know killing myself is cruel and would shatter my family’s lives. Earlier this year an old friend of mine jumped in front of a train, he was only 21, and last month another young friend, only 17, tried to kill herself by swallowing a large amount of pills on the way to school. I know how these affected people and I can’t bear to do that to my family, but at the same time I feel I can’t bear to carry on the way I am. I have never cut but sometimes I like to hurt myself by banging my head on/punching a wall. I just don’t want to feel numb any more, I want to feel alive and reasonably happy. When I was a kid I was sexually used by a friend and became obsessed with sex because I confused it with affection, now I can’t stand to be touched and sex is out of the question, further stopping me having relationships. People are so complicated and I struggle so much trying to give the right responses and answers. When I was younger I lost myself because I tried to be ‘normal’, now I’m very angry at everyone and I don’t let anyone get too close. Suicide is always at the back of my mind and I guess maybe it always will be, I just need to focus on ignoring it for now and finding ways to tell it to “f**k off”.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
7 comments
L-Carnosine Supplement clinical trial and study for Autism.
http://www.autismcoach.com/Carnosine%20Study.htm
Autistic Millionaire Ron Davis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWzrQM27aYw
Gifts
To contact Ron, go to his website at http://www.dyslexia.com
Don’t ever! try to fit in to or try to belong to a sick & s called“Normal†society.
follow & walk your own path that your inner wisdom leads you to & you can ease your sufferings, you have a chance for a life you want.
just persevere, all you need to rely upon is Patience, Effort, Self-Confidence and Determination.
“Many autistic people are gifted and brilliant at one special thing. They perceive the world very differently from the ordinary person and this perception should be thought of as a gift. Like dyslexics they find it hard to learn in the conventional way and can fail at school because of this. It is a great shame if schools try to make them the same as everybody else and treat them as remedial when in so many ways they are much more able than the ordinary person is. I consider that, as with dyslexics, the single most important aspect of their teaching should be to discover what they are especially good at and concentrate on this. There are quite of number of exceptional artists, musicians and mathematicians who are autistic.
Greetings
Lol, wtf! You’re an asshole dude for telling him/her that they’re autistic in a website that caters to the already depressed and suicidal. You need to be banned in this page.
I don’t think he wrote it on a ill intended way, maybe the choice of words wasn’t the best, but the OP does mention being in the autistic spectrum. A class mate works with autistic people and i’d say the comment is kinda right… you do have to forge your own path in nowadays society, regardless of your conditions (which might make it easier or harder, depending on the situation).
At 19… i’d say the best would be to give it a few more years, because the 20-30s is what usually determines what your future life will be like (obviously there are exceptions). Most people have no idea where their life is headed to at that age, heck, i’m past 30 and i have no freaking idea what i’m doing with my life, lol.
I think you’re very brave and very strong for choosing to stay alive. I hope very much that things work out for you in the long run.
I am very sorry you grew up that way. I could relate to your story alot. I am only 13 now, and have came very close to death. It just seems like a better solution. My dad left me, God took my sister away in 2003, and my mom is an alcoholic and she is going to be marrying an idiot who treats me and my siblings like crap. I can relate to being confused with sex because I had a boyfriend who used me for that crap..I don’t know why i did anything with him. i just get careless alot. I have tried pills, cutting myself, and just walking on streets and not knowing where i’m at. i do that alot hoping someone will come out and just kill me. I agree that you are very brave and smart and that your story could help other people realize how beautiful and short life is.
Wow…. are you me?
I am 19 right now, and my life seems to parallel yours so far. I am on the autism spectrum, I have huge problems with touch and sex due to being hypersexual as a child. I feel the same way about suicide, and I also feel the same about wanting to become independent and get a job and live alone.
I’m unmotivated to do anything, which puts the same cognitive thought in my head: I’m not suicidal, I’m just lazy. And it pisses me off to admit that, to even think about taking my own life instead of just work hard at what I want… I just…. can’t. 🙁
Laziness is often a byproduct of depression because you are sapped off of your energy and it takes every inch and willpower of what you have to do anything. Hang in there, you’ll get over it someday. You’re still 19 and have a lot ahead of you. I’m 31 and I’ve lost everything. At this age, I shouldn’t be starting over, I should have already laid down my foundations and have networks. Count yourself lucky and blessed, there are people out there in far worse situations.