I have quite a lazy view on suicide. It’s one of those things I’ve thought about and often considered from the age of 12/13, I am currently 19. I think me killing myself, in fact I’m rather convinced, that everyone’s lives would be better without me. I’m really quite a disappointment to my family and I feel like I’ve failed them. I want to succeed, but I do not feel motivated or happy, ever. I’ve grown up on the autistic spectrum and have always been lonely and unable to understand or epathise with others. When I was in my pre-teens I developed a phobia of leaving my hous, convinced gangs of children would beat me up (it happened twice) so I have had a very limited amount of social interaction since then. It makes going out with my current friends very difficult and awkward. I end up alone in my house with no one to talk to, feeling very isolated. I used to talk to my mother and aunt about my problems, but in recent years their own lives have become much more stressful, and I feel guilty for ranting about my own problems. All I want is to get good qualifications and get an okay job and live in my own house but I feel that I can never get there and as I cannot feel emotions or empathy very well and I don’t trust others, I worry I will always be alone, have no friends, and never fall in love or have children. I end up wanting to kill myself, simply because I can see what an idiot I am and where my life is going and I don’t want it. However, I know killing myself is cruel and would shatter my family’s lives. Earlier this year an old friend of mine jumped in front of a train, he was only 21, and last month another young friend, only 17, tried to kill herself by swallowing a large amount of pills on the way to school. I know how these affected people and I can’t bear to do that to my family, but at the same time I feel I can’t bear to carry on the way I am. I have never cut but sometimes I like to hurt myself by banging my head on/punching a wall. I just don’t want to feel numb any more, I want to feel alive and reasonably happy. When I was a kid I was sexually used by a friend and became obsessed with sex because I confused it with affection, now I can’t stand to be touched and sex is out of the question, further stopping me having relationships. People are so complicated and I struggle so much trying to give the right responses and answers. When I was younger I lost myself because I tried to be ‘normal’, now I’m very angry at everyone and I don’t let anyone get too close. Suicide is always at the back of my mind and I guess maybe it always will be, I just need to focus on ignoring it for now and finding ways to tell it to “f**k off”.