This may be the end…

I’m at my very end now. I have not cared about my life for quite some time, and in not caring I let my finances slip. I voluntarily quit my job because I just didn’t care. I lived off of loans from family for months knowing the money would be used up. I half-heartedly looked for work to “continue” but just stopped caring. The money got lower, and the unpaid bills started to stack up. I’ve been sued by one credit card company for non payment. My utility bill in my apartment was past due and the power to put out. I have missed two rent payments and they apartment complex has locked me out.

I’ve been staying at a friends house the past couple of week. Slept in my car one night, on a freezing day – terrible experience. Now I wake up to find that my car — basically my home — has been repo’d on the day I was planning to end my life. I’m numb. The method I was going to use to end my life was in my car and now it’s an hour away at a repo lot and I have to pay $40 of money I don’t have to get it. There’s no way I’ll be able to get it. Now I’m sitting here at a friends house unbeknownst to him and I don’t know what to do. I can’t end my life in his house but I don’t have my car which was going to be the place I followed through with catching the bus.

Not sure what I’m going to do. My mind is telling me to call 911 and be sent to the ER for suicidal behavior, but another piece of me just wants to finally end it anyway possible. My original method was going to be peaceful, but now that that’s gone I might have to do something a bit more painful. Christmas is only a couple days away. I feel terrible for doing this to my family, regardless if I end my life or decide to commit myself to the ER. I know I will be sent to a mental ward for my suicidal thoughts, be drugged up, and I don’t know if I’m even strong enough to endure that and see the faces of my family afterwards.

To me death may be the easiest way out, but like I said my original method is now gone and I don’t want to destroy my friend by him finding my dead body in his house — he just bought the property and that would be a terrible image to have in ones head.