DISCLAIMER: I apologize in advance for my language in this one. I normally NEVER talk like this but I was very upset at this time so if I have offended anyone in any way I whole-heartedly apologize! ~Violet Blake
I don’t know why I did what I just did. I should feel bad about doing it, maybe even horrible, but I don’t. Not in the least. I felt an emotion very strongly and for once I didn’t try to hide it or force it to go away, I spoke my mind and I’m proud of that at least.
I went to confession. I really don’t know what came over, maybe it was because I was feeling guilty about not being sure if I believe in God or not or maybe I just needed a stranger who would actually listen to me, but I trudged down to the church with the little pink steeple, sat myself down in this tight little room, and found myself speaking to a window with a little box at the bottom.
“Forgive me father, for IÂ have sinned”.
“Tell me your sins my child”.
The voice felt like a voice from beyond, like I was really talking to God and not a priest, and it felt kind of funny. I had never felt that connected to God before, when I was younger sure, but not after what happened to me, and definitely not know.
“Well where do I begin? I’ve never even been to confession since I was in third grade, that’s one sin for starters. At least, I’m pretty sure it’s a sin. I don’t know anymore, I don’t feel like I know anything, I kind of feel like I’ve completely lost myself, and in the process I’ve lost God”.
I couldn’t see the priest but I have a feeling he nodded, “Yes, it can seem like that sometimes, but we all find our way back eventually. Is there something else on your mind that your not saying?”
I don’t know why, perhaps I’ll never know why, but for some reason I just broke down crying right there, the tears beginning to stream down my face, leaving heavy mascara tracks down my cheeks. The priest pushed me a kleenex from his invisble box of tissues he must’ve had over there.
“I don’t think God even exists anymore. If he did then he wouldn’t have let suffer the way he has. He wouldn’t have let that horrible man do the things he did, bad people aren’t supposed to succeed in life, they’re not supposed to become lawyers or doctors or anything like that! Where was God when he was hurtingÂ me, taking away all I ever had as a child? If God loves all his children then why didn’t he save me?!”
I just said it all, everything I had been feeling the past nine years of my life, and I was telling it to a total stranger who had no real idea of what I went through. Maybe it’s my fault for telling the wrong person what was really going on inside my head, but I didn’t care, I was starting to feel tons better already.
“God isn’t just a savior you know, he punishes people too. Humans need to be disciplined, kept in line, it is like a parent. We love our children very much but sometimes we have to spank them, teach them lessons. We only want whats best for them in the long run and we must make them stronger beings in order to survive. Perhaps this was just a test for you”.
I felt my cheeks beginning to grow hot. Was he being serious?? If God was trying to let me prove how strong I was he had one hell of a way of going about it. I had never been taught that God was a tricky son of a ***** but that was exactly the way that this priest was making him sound and if that who God really was then I wanted no part in believing in him anyways. As far as I was concerned right now the church, religion, and this priest could take that giant wooden cross hanging up in the main room and shove it up their…Well, you get the idea.
“A test?! BULLSHIT!! The God I grew up knowing wouldn’t ever give me a test! I don’t know what kind of crack your and your entire church is on but I know for a fact if there is a god he doesnt put people through tests, people are born into situations so really, don’t tell me this was a test when I can’t get any of what was taken from me back”.
The priest was silent for awhile and I thought maybe he had fallen asleep while I was still going through my thoughts and hadn’t even heard a word of that little speech. Then when he did speak, it was calm and collected, like he was just ignoring me outraged comment.
“We all have gone through turmoils that make us stronger and God has always been there to watch you along the way and make you sure you were safe. If you had not been strong enough to handle it on your own then he wouldn’t have let it happen”.
I rolled my eyes, yeah right, if God though I was strong enough. What a bunch of crap this was! I was a little eight year old girl, of course I wasn’t strong enough to handle that kind of thing at eight years old, I was just a child! What child in would be ready to face such an obstacle? What PERSON would?
I stood up abruptly, opening the door of the confession room and turning around, giving one final flare to the window where the priest was sitting.
“Screw you”, I said, slamming the door shut and running out of the church at top speed.
Maybe the preacher was right, maybe it was a test of my strength, but if it was I failed miserably, and I never fail tests. I tucked my coat around me, grumbling over what the priest said to me all the way home. At least I know one thing for certain:
There’s no commandment that prohibits bitching out a priest 🙂