I really wonder what’s beyond our lives and what happens next. Why people act in a way they do and why some deal with their problems better than others. There isn’t a day that passes by, that I don’t think about kissing a gun andÂ putting a hot bullet through my noodle.
Somewhere, sometime, something went wrong in my life. I used to be happy, I used to smile, I used to make people feel better, and I used to make myself feel better by making others feel better. Perhaps I was just charming when I was younger? Now, I’m merely a cynical person, whose dreams and hopes have… commited suicide? At least, “they” had the cojones to do it, unlike me.
So what about me? What’s stopping me? I don’t know. I have a gun nearby. I keep it, just in case I get a bit braver. I have a nice truck of which I’m sure could produce enough carbon monoxide to kill me, without even being in a garage. I pretend I’m happy, but people can see through, I’m sure. Or maybe, they don’t give a good god damn about it either way.
I want to kill myself, I really really, unbelievably painfully,Â do. But I’m just afraid. What if suicide wasn’t the right move? What if I come back reincarnated? What if, after life is just a worse version of this life? To make it better, what if it’s really eternal? Then what?
Sad thing is, I’m only 21.Â My life is empty. Something is missing.Â Someting that’s making me sad and suicidal, and yet at the same time makes me want to continue living to find out what it is.
Maybe it was my childhood. I grew up in a war torn country. It seemed as if each day there was a new war. I never spent any time with my father, because he’s a selfish SOB. None of these things have bothered me before, but now they seem to be catchingÂ upto me.
Maybe it’s my life now. I’m not impressed of what I’ve become. I thought I’d be so much more, until the cold reality of this world hit me recently. It’s true, I’m young, I can still do whatever I’d like. That’s not the option. I want to die, for reasons that are unknown to me.
I don’t know what exactly I’m asking of you, my fellow good people. I’m unsure whether it’s the advice I seek, or a crafty way to end my life – or maybe, I’m just sharing this, because I’m too big of a chicken to approach someone I know and tell them how I feel, face to face.
Maybe I should start doing drugs? But then again, drinking my liver to sleep each day hasn’t fixed my emotional excuse I have for a state of mind. Can anyone even relate to what I’m saying? It feels like I’m talking to myself…
P.S. I know this may seem comical in a way, but don’t worry, I’m not here to disappoint you, I am only masking my emotions. If you don’t laugh, you cry, is what they say…