I really wonder what’s beyond our lives and what happens next. Why people act in a way they do and why some deal with their problems better than others. There isn’t a day that passes by, that I don’t think about kissing a gun and putting a hot bullet through my noodle.
Somewhere, sometime, something went wrong in my life. I used to be happy, I used to smile, I used to make people feel better, and I used to make myself feel better by making others feel better. Perhaps I was just charming when I was younger? Now, I’m merely a cynical person, whose dreams and hopes have… commited suicide? At least, “they” had the cojones to do it, unlike me.
So what about me? What’s stopping me? I don’t know. I have a gun nearby. I keep it, just in case I get a bit braver. I have a nice truck of which I’m sure could produce enough carbon monoxide to kill me, without even being in a garage. I pretend I’m happy, but people can see through, I’m sure. Or maybe, they don’t give a good god damn about it either way.
I want to kill myself, I really really, unbelievably painfully, do. But I’m just afraid. What if suicide wasn’t the right move? What if I come back reincarnated? What if, after life is just a worse version of this life? To make it better, what if it’s really eternal? Then what?
Sad thing is, I’m only 21. My life is empty. Something is missing. Someting that’s making me sad and suicidal, and yet at the same time makes me want to continue living to find out what it is.
Maybe it was my childhood. I grew up in a war torn country. It seemed as if each day there was a new war. I never spent any time with my father, because he’s a selfish SOB. None of these things have bothered me before, but now they seem to be catching upto me.
Maybe it’s my life now. I’m not impressed of what I’ve become. I thought I’d be so much more, until the cold reality of this world hit me recently. It’s true, I’m young, I can still do whatever I’d like. That’s not the option. I want to die, for reasons that are unknown to me.
I don’t know what exactly I’m asking of you, my fellow good people. I’m unsure whether it’s the advice I seek, or a crafty way to end my life – or maybe, I’m just sharing this, because I’m too big of a chicken to approach someone I know and tell them how I feel, face to face.
Maybe I should start doing drugs? But then again, drinking my liver to sleep each day hasn’t fixed my emotional excuse I have for a state of mind. Can anyone even relate to what I’m saying? It feels like I’m talking to myself…
P.S. I know this may seem comical in a way, but don’t worry, I’m not here to disappoint you, I am only masking my emotions. If you don’t laugh, you cry, is what they say…
14 comments
i agree with you…
im 12
but still…..ive come so close, i wrote my suicide letter and then i was at thge train station and for sme reason i didnt….
hope is like soda….it comes in many packages…..and kinds, what kinda hope should you get? diet coke..with lime….
im thinking about drugs too……
but still….idk
and i write stories….i love this line “There isn’t a day that passes by, that I don’t think about kissing a gun and putting a hot bullet through my noodle.” can i use it?
By all means, if it’ll make you happy, go right ahead and use it. 🙂
Hey,
I’ve never wrote on one of these things before. Let alone shared experiences with anyone with the same thoughts but searching online I came across here.
I know exactly how you feel, I’m 20. And everything you’ve spoke about I have related to. I’ve thought about suicide since I was really young, Maybe 12 or 13. And a lot of my life I told myself that I wouldn’t make it to the end of the year or untill my 16th or 18th birthday, and because of this I was clueless about my future prospects.
I got depressed for 2 years and earlier this year I tried to kill myself, I failed.. which is one of the worst things when you’re making a commitment as big as ending your own life. After this I was sent to a psychiatric unit for assessment etc. I was there for about 3 weeks untill they let me go.
I made out I had made a mistake, it’ll never happen again, I’m going to move on from the situation, but I was lying. In two weeks I’m not going to be under the care of the doctors or care workers I was involved with at the unit (I’m not crazy or mental.. it’s just their ‘after care’ is why they stay involved for a few months after)
But still.. everyday I think about suicide, and I just feel for whatever reason thats where my lifes suposed to end. I know you can ‘get help’ or try and feel better about life, but I can’t accept that.. I just know, I know thats where my life is leading to.
I read stories in the news, or online, about people commiting suicide and I think.. ‘Why can’t I have that willingness’.. I dont know.. I dont know what I expect from writing this. Maybe like you SerbianKid.. just too scared to talk to anyone else about it.
Exactly. I doubt I’m mental either, it’s just that there’s some sort of a void in my life, which is destroying me.
Quite frankly I don’t care about getting helped by a ‘professional’. Deep down I’m willing to bet they would only make me feel worse.
All I want is to have for Christmas is courage that of a suicide bomber. Is that too much to ask for?
All in all, my 2nd wish would be not to fail. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt after that…
I know what you mean, it’s one of those things I can let go of. Untill I do eventually die, however that might be, I think suicide will always be a big part of my life.
Professional help is pointless aswell, with me it didn’t make me feel any worse, but it didn’t make me feel better either.. it was just an annoyance. Because I’m fine in myself, I’m not unhappy.. but I’m not happy either. Like you said there’s a void in your life.. feels the same with me too.
– They did offer me medication for ‘hidden depression’ which they didn’t give me in the end because I’m fine, and they saw that. It’s just suicide is and will probably always be on my mind, they just don’t know that.
Failing is one of the worst things, really. Before I attempted I documented my feelings in a online journal for a month untill the night it happened. Everything I felt, done, and thought I wrote on this journal which I left the username and password to be found had I of died..
Going to the psychiatric unit the next day I sat in my room just thinking and thinking, having no internet connection, phone or laptop to change my password and knowing my family will be reading this journal knowing everything. And even now when I speak to my family, whatever the topic of conversation might be, I know they know how I feel or felt about a particular thing because they’ve read it, but the journals never been mentioned.
I’m not really living at the moment, just existing..
Not sure what’s the next step for me at the moment.. :/
‘I believe that life in a prize, But to live doesn’t mean you’re alive’
yay
thank you!
its ok…
and if i do use it…ill show u xD
Hey there,
I’ve been reading the posts on this site for a while, thinking about posting something myself, but didn’t actually expect to finde someone like myself, someone who might even understand how I feel.
I feel exactly the same void within me. I’ve been thinking of suicide since I’m 17 (I’ll get 23 next February). I’ve been trying it two times, the first time I was 19 and about to go to a psychiatry. My mom wanted me to go there, hoping that they could help me. The day of admition I was so scared that I’ve tried to strangulate myself. But I wasn’t able to finish it and untied myself. The 8 weeks after were the worst days in my life. Being stuck in there, taking pills which turn you into a zombie, nowhere to hide, far away from home. I even tried to flee after a few days, when I reached home I got brought back there.
This was even kind of funny…. having 2 police officers and 2 doctors with gloves and a syring in there hands. Like they’ve expected a very aggressive guy, willing to fight.
Back then one of the officers told me “Everything’s gonna be alright”.
I bet you know aswell it will never be “alright”.
The 2nd time I’ve tried to kill myself was about 3 months ago. Funny thing is I’ve tried a method which I’ve seen a few days ago in the tv during a police reportage where they’ve found a suicider with a bag over his head.
Most people think suicide is a weak act. But overcoming your own instinct of survival requires such an immense will.
I’ve been sitting on my bed with a plastic bag and a cable for like 6 hours thinking about it. Eventually I put the bag over my head and tied it up, but paniced after like 10 seconds ended up untying myself again.
I wish to be dead, but yet I’m still unable to finish it.
Somehow I’m jealous. I wish I had a pistol, I think it would make it easier……. or at least I believe it…. but I guess it’s just as hard as any other method.
There are so many people committing suicide, I wonder how all those guys get the courage from.
Also, just to “try” to get help won’t change anything. You need the WILL to change everything. I’ve tried clinics and an ambulant therapy. Without really working on yourself nothing will change.
That’s exactly my problem, I don’t have the will. I just feel empty, nothing interests me, I have no goals, no believes, no wishes…. yet still not the courage to end it.
I just make people mad and hate me for my behavior. But I guess the person who hates me most is myself.
There’s kind a saying of “professionals” in germany.
A mental illness is just like a broken leg. You need to get it fixed by a doctor.
But I think it’s more like a broken leg you need to fix yourself with a supervisor.
Hell, I don’t even know what I expect from writing here. I don’t even expect anyone to read it.
P.S.: Sorry for my bad english.
Alright, it’s a deal. Have fun writing.
I think most people feel that way.
I know that I don’t have anything I should be disappointed about in my life, yet I still feel like something is missing. Or that I just need to end it all here.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
I totally get how you feel.
CeeUou,
I completely understand!! Even with a gun, it’s still extremely hard. It’s not just “oh I’ll pull the trigger and see what happens” it get a lot more deeper than that.
Thank you for taking your time to tell me your situation, and keep in mind that there are always more of us in the same boat.
As much as I’d love to kill my own self, I’d hate too see others do that to them. So please, pleaseeee don’t. It’s hard not to, and it’s hard to do it. Our lives are hard, plain and simple because of this god damn thing we have. But somehow I think all we need is a little change to make it much better.
Keep writing, and tell us how you feel whenever you can.
Your friend,
Serb
Sakura,
Thank you for the kind words. We have the same problem it seems. I, too, have no actual reason to do it, and yet I want to. Keep your head up, my friend, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll wake up from this.
Hey everyone, I have been reading all the comments I just feel the same way I been like this for about what 4-5 years! I Tryed everything cutting my self to overdosing and nothing worked !but sometimes I pray over and over again that die in my sleep but nothing! I never talk to anybody about my problems or how I feel but since I see we all seem to be going threw the same thing why don’t I just share how I feel with all of you
DCD your comment is still pending, bt i read it and i’m interested in talking to you .i’m 29 male . You can email me if you want Freemysoul200@gmail.com
I couldn’t explain myself as well as you. I feel the same.