So, I think I might do it tonight. I’ve been wanting to get this over with for such a long time but I don’t know..I guess I was too scared to actually go through with it before.  It was like the fear outweighed the pain, but now it’s the other way around so I’m ready. Anyway, I’ve researched tons of ways to do it from carbon monoxide poisoning to some method that involves charcoal and another method that involves coffee etc but I’ve decided to go with hanging myself.  I would feel guilty about leaving my family behind if they actually cared but they don’t so, that’s not a problem. My younger sister hates me and always tells me that “it’s annoying to hear you [me] speak because your [my] voice is irritating.” And whenever we get into fights because she calls me a weirdo/creep/friendless loser etc, my mom always takes her side and tells me that I’m always trying to start trouble and sends me to my room. Yesterday, my mom and dad got into fight about some stuff and then later on my mom called me down stairs to ask me questions about something my dad said/did. Apparently, he lied to her and she was using me to find out the truth. This happens all the time and I hate it. My dad constantly lies to her and tells her not to trust me because i’m ” a stupid 18 year old”.  Anyway, after that happened, my dad got really pissed at me and now he’s kicking me out. I don’t have anyone stay with. My eldest sister lives by herself with her 3 year daughter and she sometimes needs help paying her light bill. And my other sister lives in a one room apartment with her husband. So, I wouldn’t want to impose on them.  This is part of the reason why dying is just going to make everything so much better.  If I’m gone then there isn’t a problem.
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well if you die it wont make things better. i am sorry that your dad is going to kick you out but if you sit down and talk to him in a calm maner maybe that will help. my advice would be to kinda not talk to your family or just say as lil as possible that is what i do. or just stay out of the house thats is what my sister did until she moved out.
o dont kill yourself if you want to talk to someone i am hear
i truly understand wat its like to have no1 there for u and wen i say no1 i mean no1. i know what its like to have no friends and to have family hate u. its horrible and i duno how to explain the pain it causes. it makes it so much harder to live..affects every part of ur life.. ya can talk to me about ur situation and ur feelings.. i am very understandin..never harsh or abrupt with people who r in pain xx
Please…don’t hang yourself. My brother hung himself a few months ago and judging from the blood on the floor that I had to clean up, it didn’t go as smoothly as he had planned. I believe he hung there for quit some time as the rope cut into his neck. It may have taken him days to die.
He didn’t like me much as I was nagging him to stop drinking but I can tell you that even though we were no longer close this incident has scarred me in ways I never thought possible. You see, I loved him a great deal more than he knew. Perhaps there are people around you that love you more than you know? If so your actions will almost certainly cause damage you may not have intended. I am now trying to decide if I should follow my brother. I didn’t do a very good job of being a brother to him in this life so perhaps I should go try to help him and keep him company in the next life. Please don’t kill your self. Give yourself time to get older and leave the booze and drugs alone as they will lead you to bad decesions and make your life less than what it could have been. Time…really can heal many things. I suggest you decide to get ‘tough’ and refuse to let others ruin your life. Decide you are too stubborn to give up. If you have to live in a box for a while then do it, as that may give you the time needed for good things to come you way. Life is full of shitty things, but good things accidently happen too. You do not know for sure what tomorrow will bring so no matter how bad today is…try to get to tomorrow incase it is full of smiles. And if it isn’t then try to get to the next day. It is too easy to decide that life sucks and we forget that sometimes it can be awesome too.
If you would like to talk I have big ears? 🙂
Thanks for the advice. It’s just really hard to ignore what people say when I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who do nothing but criticize me. Everyday when I get home from school, my mom’s like “I hope you didn’t go to school looking like that!” etc. I’ve tried not to let it get to me in the past but for someone reason it just does. I mean…I already can’t stand the way I like so when someone points it out it just makes me feel worse. I have SA (social anxiety disorder) so it’s really hard for me to not care about what people think. Oh, and I was going to do it with an extension cord in my closet without being suspended from the ground. When I tried it last night (before I was interrupted to look after my niece) it didn’t hurt at all. And even though I wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t in any kind of discomfort. My vision went blurry with green/yellow/ black specks, my face felt hot and cold at the same time, and I felt lighted head so I guess I was about to pass it. All that happened instantly so I know I can do it if/when I really need to.
*look
Hi Brittany…I am soooo glad you’re still with us! Can I share my side of things a little? All my life I was told I was very handsome. And all my life I thought I was butt ugly. We are always our own worst enemies. I hate to go in public because I feel everyone is looking at that goofy looking guy (me). I am pretty withdrawn and I don’t go out unless I have to. Millions of people feel the same way. We are waaaay too critical of ourselves, right? Truth is that no one is perfect, and what is much more important than how we look is finding, building and creating smiles. On my worst days when I just well, hate me, I try to turn it around and go make somebody smile. I may be goofy looking but I am also funny as hell when I want to be. And…well, an old women was in the store today and trying to reach something on the top shelf. I walked over and asked ‘can I help you get something?’ she looked at me as people often do, like I had the plague, but then she realized I was trying to help so she smiled and said ‘yes please grab that box for me’. I did and I walked away thinking that that one little moment of making someone smile was worth 10 days of hell. It was a rare moment when I felt good about me, like I really did have at least a little to offer which someone appreciated.
I think that trying to smile and make others smile has many times been the only reason to keep going and the only reason I’m still here. If today I feel so bad I don’t want to be here then I try to make somebody smile or laugh…even if it’s only when they see my goofy face smiling back at them.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that sometimes even just a dumb little smile, put on someone else’s face because of me, is enough to make me feel like I’m not a complete looser. You can’t make people smile who won’t let you. If those around you don’t see the good things in you then it’s their loss. Others will, if you make even a tiny effort. Try going to the grocery store and helping little old ladies with spine damage or in wheelchairs. I can promise you that even a little gesture like helping them means more to someone in that position than you might ever know. I guess this works for me sometimes. 🙂
You are young, and when we are young everything seems so much more important than it really needs to be. If those around you don’t appreciate you then make a game plan for moving away, be patient, and work on that plan until you can get yourself in a better situation. If those around you are so mean and judgmental then my guess is that they are miserable people who have made their own lives shitty.
Recognize that and decide you will not let them take you with them. The world is full of good things and you don’t have to live in their negativeness. Maybe you need to temporarily, but get tough, be patient, and work on finding better things.
I don’t know you but I can see in your words a person who is smart and sensitive. If you can just hold on and get to a better place in your life you will be surprised to find out how many people will find those qualities to be desirable and beautiful!
If those around you are putting you down it is only because they are not very smart and I doubt they are very beautiful on the inside…so it is them who has the faults, not you. Let them have the crappy little attitudes and life they have chosen while you work towards something better than they can ever have. I think that patience is the greatest word in the world. If you can find it when you need it it will get you through anything and lead you to happy times. I promise this is true. Please don’t be quick in deciding that there is noting better than what you have now, there is, you may need a mountain of patience but I can promise you that that is all you need to get to a wonderful point in your life sooner or later. Often the real problem is that we want what we want, now. And if it doesn’t come quickly or easy then we can feel like checking out. Please don’t. I hope you will decide that you have more patience than anyone and that those who don’t appreciate you can go %!?# themselves! Get even with them by creating a better life and love than they have. 🙂
You said you know you can ‘do it’. Well, it’s actually pretty easy to die and often really tough to keep living. Death is permanent and it will get you someday, like all of us, no matter what you do. And it lasts for an eternity. Having been suicidal many times I have finally decided that I will have eternity to be dead so I may as well hang out and see what happens here, even if it often sucks it could be much worse on the other side. At least here there is at least a small chance that smiles and maybe even love might accidentally get me. I will find a way to patiently wait for that to happen and in the mean time I will do what I can to put myself in a position physically and emotionally for that to happen. I want it now, but I’m willing to wait and keep trying to improve me, (even if I do look goofy) so that I will be ready when good things finally come my way. In the mean time I try to make people smile, which makes me smile and that is good enough to get me to tomorrow.
I wish I could help you more Brittany. That would make us both smile. 🙂 I have another truth I’ve discovered too though you may not be able to see it at the moment. I have decided that there is really only one good reason to kill myself and that is if I have to live in massive pain (like I am now). I was suicidal in the past but now I realize that no problem I ever had was permanent or something I couldn’t change. Only massive pain will really ruin your life and there may be nothing you can do about it. Any other reason to want to stop living…can be changed…with enough patience and effort. I may not be around much longer, due to pain…so…I hope you will live on and find happiness for both of us. 🙂
You can always die if you feel you have no other options. Sometimes I tell myself ‘okay I know I can kill myself, so I’ll keep that thought on the back burner while I try to improve things so that I won’t want to do that’. You DO have options. It’s up to you. One step at a time you can change your situation. It may take a while but especially at your age there are so many good things waiting ahead for you you just wouldn’t believe. All you have to do is get through the bad times. That’s it. Please, please please keep doing that for both of us.
I’m in the middle of several nightmares right now so maybe I am doing a poor job of saying these things but I will keep an eye on this site, just to talk to you, and as long as you wish to talk I will keep leaving replies (but it may take me a day or three to post). Don’t give up my friend! Someone out there in the big world is on your side (me). 🙂
I forgot to mention something more…important, related to hanging. Hanging is not as easy as some might think. An extension cord will almost certainly cut into your neck and damage your throat terribly as well as cause you to slowly bleed to death. And cutting off the oxygen to the brain could leave you alive and a vegetable. Hanging is more complicated than that. You have to drop just the right distance to break the neck or it won’t kill you. And dropping too far can rip part of the head off while leaving you still alive. I know this sounds gruesome but you really need to be aware of what might happen if you try this. I hope you won’t. So many things can go wrong with hanging.
Also, you may feel like this will freak out all the jerks who have treated you shitty and you will get your revenge on them. Except that you won’t be here to enjoy the revenge. I really hope you will decide you are better that the people who are treating you shitty and make for yourself a better life that they have. That’s revenge!
My brother must have suffer terribly when he hung himself. My heart is broke beyond belief. Please live on Brittany and find good things (patience). If I could believe you did pick yourself up and moved ahead because of even one little word I might have said, both me and I’m sure my brother would be proud of you more than words could say. Don’t surrender, be an inspiration to others (me)? 🙂
It’s really hard not to and even harder not to want to. I can’t function around people. I always feel like some kind of alien observing life rather than experiencing it. I view everyone as normal and put myself in a category of my own. In the I can’t speak fluently, I’m not smart, and I’m talentless category. My oldest sister’s the beautiful one. My second oldest sister is the tough one. My younger sister is the smart one. My little sister is the funny one. My littlest is the talented one. And, I’m the weird one. I’m so out of place no matter where I am or who I’m around. Especially at school. I always get the vibe that I’m different from everyone I talk to. Even my teachers talk to me in a way that suggest that I’m different/ something’s wrong with me. (Facial expressions and tone of voice) The only time I don’t feel so out of place is about 5 percent of the time when I’m alone. I spend the other 95 percent of my alone time going over dumb stuff that I’ve done and said and mistakes that I’ve made etc over and over again for at least a thousand times a day no matter how long ago the incidents were. Maybe I have OCD? But anyway, in that five percent of the time when I don’t feel out of place it’s like being in a comfort zone. And that’s pretty much why I want to die. I feel like dying will keep me in that comfort zone permanently. I wish I could be strong but I’m weak and tired. But you have inspired me to hold off for a little bit. Hopefully things will get slightly better.
Hi Brittany,
I think you are not giving yourself enough credit? A dumb person doesn’t spend endless hours trying to figure themselves out and trying to understand what’s going on around them. It sounds to me like you are beating up on yourself way too much? I do that too, so I know what you are going through. But I’ve learned to just stop the brain and keep the thoughts busy doing something else (video games?). It’s like I had to train the brian to change lanes when I start dwelling on all my faults too much. I can’t always do that but, I’m still here. 🙂
I soooo much know how you feel. I just got back from the store where everyone was starring at me. I hate it. But I can’t do a lot about it. I try to tell myself that if they knew me they would find a peach of a guy, rather than that look on their face as they wonder what planet I’m from. I’m just an old hippie I guess with very light blond hair which draws attention to me every where I go. But I think it’s the black circles around my eyes that really freaks people out the most. You see, when I was about your age I also felt different and alien. I felt like I was spending too much time analyzing everything and that I couldn’t shut the brain off. I felt like the ‘dumber’ people were the lucky ones because they always seem happy and don’t spend much time worrying about themselves or what people think. By about 14 I decided that maybe drugs and booze would make me ‘dumber’ and maybe I’d be happier too. Well, that didn’t work, and I should have realized that being smart enough to be massively self aware could be a good thing if I didn’t look at it the wrong way and gave myself time to get older. I had a hell of a lot of fun, and a great deal of depression, from all the drugs and booze, until I started seeing the damage done in others and myself. Now I wish I had never done the drugs or booze as I’m pretty sure I would be an awesome person now…instead of just the left over wreckage.
Like you I see the facial expressions and I want to curl up in a ball and hide. Some of them I want to punch in the nose. But instead I just figure I suck and run for home as quickly as I can. Where I live by myself with my two kitties.
When I found your message on this site the other night I was ready to stick the gun to my head, plus I have a pound of Belladonna and 150 oxycodone. So I’m ready when the time comes. But…I look at my two kitties and think ‘what will happen to them’? they love me dearly and I know no one else that would love them as well as I do. So I just can’t leave them behind, and I certainly wouldn’t hurt them or take them with me. So…I decide that I will wait until I can find them a good home and I guess…that keeps me here for one more day. Do you have kitties or a pet that counts on you and loves you? Sometimes they are the best friends a person could have.
I am not a shrink so I can’t tell you anything about OCD. But I can tell you that in this day and age everyone has been convinced that they have some kind of illness, which makes the doctors rich. Don’t believe that you have a mental problem unless you have a very qualified person tell you this. What I am hearing from you is just a young person trying to find herself, probably surrounded by some people and family who are either screwed up themselves or…people who just don’t understand what you are going through. They probably don’t realize the torture they are putting you through with some of their comments. In that case it is best just to try to forgive them their ignorance and as I mentioned, work patiently towards better things for yourself.
I have to ask…do you know how badly you might damage your sisters if you check out?
We don’t realize the results of our actions but…well, I feel so bad about my brother. He was 2 years younger than me and when we were very young I used to pick on him a lot. I thought that was what older brothers were supposed to do, until I reached about 12 when I began to realize that I loved my bro and didn’t want to hurt him. But I see now that my actions, even at that young age, screwed him up. He had low self-esteem, was a loner and never dated. He died horribly and very alone, and I see now that much of his bad attitudes came from the way I treated him as kids. I feel sooo guilty, like I no longer deserve to be here or happy. Be careful what you do?
If you checked out you may seriously damage your sisters or even your parents, without intending to.
Guess I should say that I have a seriously damaged spine and the pain is too much, so that would be my main reason for ending my life. But, I slashed my wrists when I was 14 over a girl. I didn’t do it too badly before I changed my mind but then I did it again, really badly when I was 22. So I guess it’s fair to say that I’ve always been a suicidal type of person. But…
I found ways to give myself time to get older and I see now how totally stupid I was to fall apart so badly over people who…would have made me miserable to stay with anyway.
I know you probably feel like you won’t find love or happiness or a good relationship. But that isn’t true. You just need to give yourself time to find those things. “Good things don’t come easily” …but bad things sure as hell do! So put up a fight! I tell myself okay ‘bad thing’ I refuse to let you take me lower than I’ve already been. If they look at me funny I leave. If they say shitty things, I say ‘whatever’ and go beat the crap out of someone on Halo. If my heart is broke, I take myself out for lunch, or even just a drive round the block can sometimes change my attitude. You have to fight the tendencies to give up or feel overwhelmed before you can get to good things. 🙂
I took myself off the booze many years ago because I realized that, sitting around drunk and hating myself all the time was not going to make me a desirable person to someone nice. I decided that regardless of my opinions of me, someone else might see good things in me if I just did what I could to improve me. It worked.
Since those days I found two people who fell in love with me, and I found many joys that I never would have experienced if I had given up back then.
The same will be true for you and I can absolutely promise you that! Just find ways to get yourself through the bad times, try not to be too critical of yourself, and sooner or later you will (promise) end up in a good situation with people around you who love you. No kidding, that’s all it takes.
Everything you mentioned in your last letter about how you feel? I have been through millions of times. You are not alone, and not the first to go through these things. Sooooo many good things are waiting for you if you just keep pushing forward despite the shitty things life throws at you!
You said you feel like dying will put you in that comfort zone permanently. Nope. We don’t know what happens when we die so you can’t count on that. What if it’s worse? Or, if there is nothing on the other side then at the least you will have cut short your only opportunity to find wonderful things.
You said you only find that comfort zone 5% of the time. Well, thats another patience thing. We all want to be in that zone 100% of the time, but that isn’t realistic. Most of us only find that zone for small periods of time. We spend the rest of our time trying to figure out how to get back there. That’s why drugs and booze get many of us. It seems like a quick way to get to that zone but, it’s not the same and in the end those things actually keep us from that very place.
Patience my friend. If today sucks then I say okay, I’ll see what I can do to improve tomorrow. And it worked about 50% of the time. Hell I’m in so much pain now that I see 20 minutes per week of happiness as a good enough reason to keep going, even if all the rest of the week sucks. I guess I’ve learned to have the patience of a rock when it comes to waiting for the good things to come. I hope you can find a way to do that too! 🙂
Of course, if you really feel you need to talk to a doc then you should. Most counties, in every state, will have free mental health counseling and your parents won’t even need to know you are talking to someone. Maybe you should do that but I think I am hearing a person who is smart enough to solve her own problems, who maybe just needs a few ideas of how to go about that. I have faith in you as I can tell you are no dummy.
You said you are not smart or talented…I doubt that but, I find a certain kind of cuteness to a person who would say that, others will to. You will attract friends and relationships by being just you, and not by trying to be what someone else wants you to be. If they can’t see that then they are not your kind of people.
Probably sounds weird but, when I meet someone that I can tell is looking down on me, I’m kind of happy about that as it tells me this is not a person to waste my time with. It separates the good people from the assholes real fast. Many more people either pay no attention or will, I’m sure, like you. So I use the “you are you a freak or alien” look people give me as a way to separate the good ones from the bad ones…and there are a lot of good people out there who will treat you nice and appreciate you for who you are, so don’t let the negative people bring you down. Their lives are probably more screwed up than yours and mine put together! 🙂
Okay I gotta run for a minute, demanding kitties won’t leave me alone. I’ll check back later…please paste a smile on your face just for me, even if it’s just a short time, and I will do the same for you! 🙂
Hi again Brittany! I forgot to mention the most important thing…I am soooo glad you decided to hold off on this! 🙂
I have the feeling you are probably an awesome person who might be having trouble seeing that sometimes, especially when surrounded by negative people or difficult times. This will change…try creating a few smiles in someone else and I’m guessing that will give you more reasons to shine. You made me smile and I thank you for that! 🙂
I also wanted to say sorry if I was talking too much about me. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and that others, me, also think and feel many of the same things you do.
Also, and I’ll keep this one short…I wanted to add that Belladonna is another very bad way to go. I only keep it around to be used with another method, if I feel the need to check out, just so I can be sure I finish the job if that is my decision. But…
I don’t care how crappy life gets, as long as the pain doesn’t stop me from everything…I will keep pushing foreword and trying to squeeze every good thing I can find out of life until my time is up. I hope you will do the same! You really have made my whole month just by saying you would stick around a little longer! Now I feel like if you can do it…then so can I! 🙂 thanks!
Thanks for all your encouraging advice.
And, don’t be sorry. It helps a lot to hear about someone’s experiences
with going through all of this. It makes me realize that everyone suffers through some kind of hardship one way or another. But I wonder what it is that enables some people to get through their problems while others(like me) feel like they have to run and hide and like dying is their only escape. I’ve come across a lot of people who never let anything get to them no matter what. I’ve always wished that I could be more like them. Hopefully I can be someday. It’s finally dawned on me that
half of my problems are due to my own negative outlook on life. I’ll try to go at least a year or two longer with a more positive attitude. Instead of getting sad/depressed about every little thing, I’ll try harder to just let things go. And maybe I’ll also try to hang around people who don’t make
me feel so bad and see where that gets me.
Right on…good for you Brittany! I came to the conclusion that everyone else DOES go through these things too, they just SEEM like they handle things better but I don’t think that’s really true. We only see others for tiny moments in their lives. We don’t know their thoughts or sorrows or disappointments, and we don’t know their thoughts. My brother never ever mentioned suicide and I always had the impression that he was ‘stronger’ than that, and that he would never consider taking his life. I guess that’s why it came as such a shock and heartbreak.
It’s also true that we learn from out faults or from the disappointments along the way, (whether we know we are learning or not) and as we do we slowly but surely learn how to find better things. There will always be sad things or parts to life that don’t go the way we wish but there are also many good things that come along which we could never have predicted.
As I mentioned, patience is one of my favorite words. My next favorite word is, realistic. We have to realistically understand what is possible and what is not. I guess I came to really appreciate that old saying (I forget the exact words) the one about ‘changing the things we can, and being wise enough to except the things we cannot change’. Everyone has good and bad things to them and good and bad moments in their life. The trick is learning to find a way to get past the bad times, so we have the chance to find the good things.
Like I said before…I hear one very smart person typing me her thoughts. I see so much wisdom in your last letter… Don’t underestimate yourself! 🙂
I’m very happy and very proud to have met you and been able to talk with you…I’m even a little jealous of those who will get to know you better than I.
I’ll bet even my brother is smiling at you now. 🙂
I’ll keep checking back here in case you would like to keep talking but it sounds to me like you have made some really good decisions (and thoughts) that I know will get you through the bad times, and lead you to good things. You’re freakin awesome! 🙂
Brittany,
I more or less know what you are going through. We may not be in the same situation, but I feel the same way about myself. I know this is from 2010– Are you still active on this site and is everything better for you now?