I suppose I am writing this not because I am unsure of whether or not I want to end my life. I am writing this because I want to know if there is a way to let those that care about me that this is not their fault and to comfort them. One of the main reasons I have chosen to end my life is because I can’t stand to see those who care about me in pain because of me. I know that ending my life would cause them pain but I feel it would be less. I believe this because I think that the mourning period would be shorter than for those people to watch me battle my depression and suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life. I have had a lot of pain in my life and am just tired of fighting myself to try and be happy or even just not sad. I have tried suicide two times in the past although the first was admittedly a cry for help. The first attempt I cut my wrists but was discovered and taken to the hospital and institutionalized for the first time. After being medicated and in therapy for a while without any improvement in my opinion I made my second attempt. I overdosed on sleeping medication. I collapsed in front of my family and had no pulse. My father preformed CPR until paramedics arrived and they revived me. I don’t understand what others see in me that they so fiercely believe is worth saving. They don’t seem to understand how exhausting and hard it is for me to put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay. I have been depressed for over a decade with only fleeting moments in which I could see some glimmer of hope of not wanting to end my life. I have realized that these moments are just that they are not a constant and will never be for me. My constant, my life is a fight against sadness. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of hearing that surviving through troubling times makes you stronger. This may be true if you get some sort of rest, if not it just wears you down and makes you tired. I don’t feel stronger I feel drained. I know people say that taking your own life is a cowardly act. Is it really? Is knowing when you’ve been beaten and accepting that cowardly? I don’t think so. It may hurt those that care about you but perhaps they can help each other because I cant do it anymore. I plan to write them all either individual letters or talk to them as a group. I know that they will be watching me but they can’t keep watch 24/7. I will do this. Please no responses that are aimed at changing my mind. I just want to know how to make this easier for those that care about me. Thank you.
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Hi!
I think your idea of writing individual letters is a good one. I think people will find it easier to live with if they realise that your decision was well thought out and planned for some time in advance, and was not just something that you did on impulse. It’s also worth pointing out to them that you have shown a great deal of courage in keeping going for all these years, and that your decision to end it now is not due to lack of courage, but, like you say, a feeling that you can’t fight any longer. I know how you feel, because I feel like I’ve been fighting battles all my life, struggling to keep on hoping, loving and making the effort. Increasingly I too feel like I can’t do it for much longer.
A few years ago I attended the funeral of a man who had committed suicide. I didn’t know him much, but I also had been seriously comptemplating suicide during the previous few months, and I wanted to get a sense of what it really meant. His wife and 11 year old daughter were there, and I remember thinking that no matter how bad a state he was in, it must be better for his daughter if he was there, and not in a coffin being lowered into the ground. [He had gone to the coast and hired a boat, by the way, and had rowed it out to sea and then drowned himself.] Then I said to a friend that I thought it must always be better for children to have their parent alive, even if they are horribly depressed, and she said she didn’t agree: her father had had depression and she thought it would have been a relief for everyone if he had committed suicide. So I guess it depends.
I wouldn’t say in your letters that you think it will be easier for people if you are gone: they might think that they are guilty of making you feel that way, and will wish they had been able to make you feel better. I would just thank them sincerely for their love, and for their desire to help you, but say that despite it all you just couldn’t face continuing.
I once had a friend who said that it was always the nicest people who commit suicide, and it sounds to me like you are a good and loving person who has just had too many struggles and sadnesses to deal with in this world. Even now, as you prepare to leave, your concern is how to lessen the impact on the people who love you.
Please, when you leave, leave in the hope of finding peace and joy in the arms of a God who loves you, and a saviour who also suffered in this world and who knows and understands everything you went through. Don’t leave in despair and blackness, but leave like a tired child falling asleep trustingly in the arms of her/his loving parent, certain of waking up in a place where everything is much better!
In the name of Jesus, and with love,
Petra
Ok Question’s for you 1 how old r u 2 What’s the one biggest thing that make’s you sad or what’s your biggest problem
blackqwert,
I am 29 years old, and I can’t really identify one thing as being responsible. I was physically and emotionally abused into my teens and am a rape survivor, beyond that I feel I am a constant hardship on those that care about me, I continually succeed in screwing up whether it be relationships, or jobs. Lately I suppose its the knowledge that I had a chance at happiness, truly even had it for a while, but like always it turned out to be fleeting, and I don’t believe I can ever get that back or find that again. I am tired of struggling so hard for so long and then when I think I have beaten it, it comes back to remind me that isn’t meant for me. I can’t imagine keeping this up for the rest of my life nor do I think that is a life worth living. I am tired of the fight and ready to surrender.
I Think you have just have identify it rape & abused survivor. So what make’s happy muisc movies geting pissed ?
Have you tried talking to other rape survivors/ people who have been abused?
Your feelings remind me so much of myself, although I have not been through even half of what you have, I truly admire that you have come this far in life. But one thing that helped me to feel better was talking to someone who had been through some of the same things as me. This didn’t make it all go away or anything….it just helped to know that I wasn’t alone.
All I can say is that I really relate to what you are saying — your post could have been written by me. Except for the part about people caring about you and trying to help you. That is something to think about and value. I know you struggle with pain every day but can you imagine how much worse you would feel if no one cared? I am 43, never married. Always touted to have great potential but never realized it. Most of my family disapproves of me and wouldn’t blink if I committed suicide. My friends are too busy with their own lives to pay much attention to me.
From reading your story, my opinion is if you end it all, it will cause your loved ones much more pain than what you think you’re causing them now.
I also think that some people are not destined to have it as easy as others. We look at people who have an easier time of it — their good moods, favourable situations and general ease in life and it makes us feel even worse, because we’re think we’re not measuring up. However, we can decide to lower our expectations. There’s no law saying we need to be upbeat all, or even some of the time. I realize that even if we accept this, there remains the question of “But what’s the point of going on like this?”. I guess we all have to find our own reason for living, regardless of the pain (I’m still struggling with this a lot). “A reason for living” sounds it needs to be majestic or profound but I’m convinced that plenty of people survive day-to-day by caring for their dogs, watching the stock market or playing video games. These things make them happy and keep them going. The difference is that they don’t think, or dissect their actions so much. In other words, it’s not the content of what they do (or how “successful” they are) but their attitude toward it.
I hope the above has helped you find a little ease in your mind…
I know exactly how you feel. I am mentally dead and have been for quite a while. I put on an act everyday and it is killing me. I have started self-harming because just for a second the sad feelings go away because all you can think about is pain. Have also tried killing myself about 5 times in the last 6 months but always get found too soon. My last attempt was christmas night. Selfish I know, but had had enough. I drank half a bottle of vodka and got in the bath. The plan was to fall asleep and drown. My mum told me that if I kill myself she’s got no reason to live. I don’t want my little brother to be on his own and don’t want my mum to be in pain, even though I know that they will be better off without me xx
@hannah93: have you ever thought that your mum actually really *saying* that ie: “she’s got no reason to live if you kill yourself”,..is simply a heartfelt confirmation of how you are so much worthy & valuable in HER eyes, even if you yourself think that you’re not.
Sometimes it’s much too easy for a depressed, suicidal people like us to feel that we’re worthless etc,..little though that we know that there are (and would definitely be) people -unknowing to you- that perhaps have always treasure your presence, existence, and will truly greatly MISS you when you’re gone of this earth….because you’re very valuable and worthy in their eyes,..you just never know because they never tell.
I know this world is such a pain in the ass, believe me I know and feel it constantly too.
but I like what the infamous suicide-poster around August posted here: that there are also still a LOT of GOOD people in this world.
heck, he even argues that the TRULY EVIL people are very, very rare.
People that usually seem “evil” are really not truly evil,…they just probably haven’t got enlightened yet, ie: that there are other, more better ways for them and everybody in this world.
If you *feel* this a lot, then maybe it’s your *task* to make them realize this, however slowly, that it is possible, in hope so they can get enlightened, however slowly the process will be, at the end it will be worth it.
If you’re a good person, don’t change into a bad person.
It takes a goddamn and hell lot more of guts, bravery, efforts, and honor, to be a good person, than to be a bad person; because it’s always ‘easy’ to be a bad person, but it is more difficult to be a CONSCIOUSLY Good person.
so if you’re in nature a good person, then BE one,
and then make others SEE that in you, and hopefully they may reflect, ponder, and thus you’ve created another good persons, and so on.
Be the Force of Change that you want to be or see, as Mahatma Gandhi said it so well….It’s *something* that is certainly worth trying while you’re still breathing and living in this earthly existence.