I suppose I am writing this not because I am unsure of whether or not I want to end my life. I am writing this because I want to know if there is a way to let those that care about me that this is not their fault and to comfort them. One of the main reasons I have chosen to end my life is because I can’t stand to see those who care about me in pain because of me. I know that ending my life would cause them pain but I feel it would be less. I believe this because I think that the mourning period would be shorter than for those people to watch me battle my depression and suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life. I have had a lot of pain in my life and am just tired of fighting myself to try and be happy or even just not sad. I have tried suicide two times in the past although the first was admittedly a cry for help. The first attempt I cut my wrists but was discovered and taken to the hospital and institutionalized for the first time. After being medicated and in therapy for a while without any improvement in my opinion I made my second attempt. I overdosed on sleeping medication. I collapsed in front of my family and had no pulse. My father preformed CPR until paramedics arrived and they revived me. I don’t understand what others see in me that they so fiercely believe is worth saving. They don’t seem to understand how exhausting and hard it is for me to put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay. I have been depressed for over a decade with only fleeting moments in which I could see some glimmer of hope of not wanting to end my life. I have realized that these moments are just that they are not a constant and will never be for me. My constant, my life is a fight against sadness. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of hearing that surviving through troubling times makes you stronger. This may be true if you get some sort of rest, if not it just wears you down and makes you tired. I don’t feel stronger I feel drained. I know people say that taking your own life is a cowardly act. Is it really? Is knowing when you’ve been beaten and accepting that cowardly? I don’t think so. It may hurt those that care about you but perhaps they can help each other because I cant do it anymore. I plan to write them all either individual letters or talk to them as a group. I know that they will be watching me but they can’t keep watch 24/7. I will do this. Please no responses that are aimed at changing my mind. I just want to know how to make this easier for those that care about me. Thank you.