Long time reader, first time poster. This is an excerpt from a draft suicide note I have been working on. I think it sums up my situation pretty well:
I have felt like an ant my whole life. Actually that’s not quite right. Â I have felt like a maladjusted, ugly, worthless, piss-ant ant my whole life. I never came to terms with it; or better, I never overcame it. Religion enforced it. Because it said i was born a piss-ant and will die a piss-ant and for some reason an omniscient/omnipotent/
Please know that I am not in pain. I am worm food. Or will be soon. I don’t know that I am dead, just as in the past I didn’t know I wasn’t born yet. I didn’t do this because I had a constant crushing emotional pain. Though some days were better than others. I did it because I don’t give a fuck. I look around at the world, and all the things that people do in their lives, and I just don’t give a fuck. I don’t see the point really. It seems easier just to off yourself and not even fuck with it. “No brain, no pain.” Or: “To be, or not to be”…not, as it were.
I’m embarrassed by myself. I love you all.