Who gives a fuck?

omnibenevolent being needed my love for me to become a non-piss-ant. Discarding religion gave me a new breath of life and control and direction, but it just wasn’t enough, I guess, to reverse the damage. Or maybe the religion-enforced piss-antedness was coupled with a genetic predisposition for piss-antedness. Well that gene apparently doesn’t aid survival; and if it is a gene I’m glad I’m not passing it along. At any rate, I never felt that I was worth anything. Sure I could slap on the ole false pride, or with a few drinks I could seem confident, but please know that deep down I never deserved shit. The Beatles played (original or cover?) this song on The BBC recordings that goes: “they say that everyone loves someone, so how come no one loves me? Well if you wonder who the loneliest creatures in the world can be, it’s the ugly duckling, the little black sheep, and me.”. Of course people love me. I am very loved. But obviously that’s not what I’m talking about. I never had a companion in my whole life. It was sad. I’m sure it crossed most peoples’ minds that I was gay. I’m not. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). I needed a sweet, kind ‘soul’ to show me I wasn’t a piss-ant and that I did deserve the good things in life. But anytime I had a chance at that, I fucked it up because I felt that I didn’t deserve it. It’s a vicious mindfuck of a circle. (note: ‘soul’ is put in quotes to signify my colloquial rather than literal use of the word. Science has thus far shown no evidence for an incorporeal soul. Although if it exists, then I now know that, blarg).

Please know that I am not in pain. I am worm food. Or will be soon. I don’t know that I am dead, just as in the past I didn’t know I wasn’t born yet. I didn’t do this because I had a constant crushing emotional pain. Though some days were better than others. I did it because I don’t give a fuck. I look around at the world, and all the things that people do in their lives, and I just don’t give a fuck. I don’t see the point really. It seems easier just to off yourself and not even fuck with it. “No brain, no pain.” Or: “To be, or not to be”…not, as it were.

I’m embarrassed by myself. I love you all.