I just dont want to live anymore,
Im 17, i live in this village, which i can not get out of, without Â£4.50Â or lifts from my parents.. and i have no job , so im pretty much stuck in here 24/7 and i have to stay in the bathroom because i share a room with my sister and my house is tiny, and i dont really get on with my sister and my rooms DISGUSTING. it just makes me so angry.. i cant escape.
I feel like “my friends” dont actually care about me.. like if i say yeah i have had a bad day or something , expecting them to ask “oh whats up? are you ok?” like i would with them.. they just continue talking about themself.Â I feel like i put 100% effort to everyone and i get none. im always second best. (but then again it all gets turned back on me) like my friends always want ME to vist them , even though i live so far away and it costs alot of money.. then i always get called the “bad one” but really noone understands.. so i have just given up with them and deleted all ways of contact with them.
Last year i met this boy from italy, and i belive i fell in love, i loved him with every part of me. He was like a god send, i felt like someone actually loved me for once. He was like my best friend also, so everything was great, untill he left me for his ex. And i cant get over him, and im feeling like i never will. it has been 5months since he has been gone, and 8months since i last saw him.. i have a feeling that if i go to italy and see him face to face again i have a good chance of getting him back (i dont know why but i feel like i will ) i just know it. But yeah now he has like left me.. i feel more alone then ever.
Im adopted, i feel like i should never have been born. I have turned to religion, it dident work, i have tryed joining sites to meet new people it dident work.
Although i have this drama class i go to on a tuesday which is payed for via my shcolarship, and i thought that was ok as its in london, so i get to go out in the city for abit, but the people there are just horrible to me and then when i get on the train or something i feel like crying because every girl surronding me is alot prettyer/skinner then me..Â 🙁 i feel so alone and helpless
i have dreams and ambitions, and i have got onto a t.v programe but im dreading that coming out :(I was sucicdal a few times before but i got over it and thought everything was amazing, i even wanted to start my own suicidal helpline.. but now everythings back to square one.
I really want to die, the only thing stopping me is that i`m afraid of pain, and death its self.
All i ever do is talk about suicide, like i met this random guy on the train , and he was quite cool to talk to , but i was talking to him about jumping onto train tracks , in a casual way :/ aha. he must have thought i was so weird.
but yeah i hope someone can relate 🙁
i dont even know why im posting this.. :/