I just dont want to live anymore,
Im 17, i live in this village, which i can not get out of, without £4.50 or lifts from my parents.. and i have no job , so im pretty much stuck in here 24/7 and i have to stay in the bathroom because i share a room with my sister and my house is tiny, and i dont really get on with my sister and my rooms DISGUSTING. it just makes me so angry.. i cant escape.
I feel like “my friends” dont actually care about me.. like if i say yeah i have had a bad day or something , expecting them to ask “oh whats up? are you ok?” like i would with them.. they just continue talking about themself. I feel like i put 100% effort to everyone and i get none. im always second best. (but then again it all gets turned back on me) like my friends always want ME to vist them , even though i live so far away and it costs alot of money.. then i always get called the “bad one” but really noone understands.. so i have just given up with them and deleted all ways of contact with them.
Last year i met this boy from italy, and i belive i fell in love, i loved him with every part of me. He was like a god send, i felt like someone actually loved me for once. He was like my best friend also, so everything was great, untill he left me for his ex. And i cant get over him, and im feeling like i never will. it has been 5months since he has been gone, and 8months since i last saw him.. i have a feeling that if i go to italy and see him face to face again i have a good chance of getting him back (i dont know why but i feel like i will ) i just know it. But yeah now he has like left me.. i feel more alone then ever.
Im adopted, i feel like i should never have been born. I have turned to religion, it dident work, i have tryed joining sites to meet new people it dident work.
Although i have this drama class i go to on a tuesday which is payed for via my shcolarship, and i thought that was ok as its in london, so i get to go out in the city for abit, but the people there are just horrible to me and then when i get on the train or something i feel like crying because every girl surronding me is alot prettyer/skinner then me.. 🙁 i feel so alone and helpless
i have dreams and ambitions, and i have got onto a t.v programe but im dreading that coming out :(I was sucicdal a few times before but i got over it and thought everything was amazing, i even wanted to start my own suicidal helpline.. but now everythings back to square one.
I really want to die, the only thing stopping me is that i`m afraid of pain, and death its self.
All i ever do is talk about suicide, like i met this random guy on the train , and he was quite cool to talk to , but i was talking to him about jumping onto train tracks , in a casual way :/ aha. he must have thought i was so weird.
but yeah i hope someone can relate 🙁
i dont even know why im posting this.. :/
2 comments
I see what you’re going through, I can’t relate to everything you said but I know what it feels like. If you wanna talk feel free to email me whenever you want. Here’s my email: leaffan64@hotmail.com
I hate being in isolation, i live in a town of about 800 people and the nearest place to civilization is like 30kms, no money or transport to get out…
I hate it, Always the same people talking different shit about the same people
Death should be absolution
I dont think i ever had a real friend, like you watch movies of friends that are like close as, able to relate to anything, then theirs me. no-one can relate to me, I’m just not important enough for anyone to care
then Theres more to love then love, Honesty 93% of relationships before 25 do not work and usually end up bad and 1/4 of the 7% ends in divorce
You have to be sure about people, Alot of people are scum
I respect you and death isnt for you.
You will find true people eventually at the end of school almost all of your acquaintances will be gone. When u get to your 20’s life getts easier because people are more understanding well more then there is in highschool. You just got to know what you want and aim for it.
But being alone is better, i mean you wont get a job, or have any friends
at least your only problem is being alone and not have to deal with anyone elses problems
Fuck people, Fuck school, Fuck your sister, Fuck em all
Do it for yourself, Life is yours, Live for yourself
learn all you can
be the best