This is the first time I’m trying to write this anywhere. Don’t know how to start or from what… So I guess I’ll get right to the point. I’m 18 years old and currently finishing school… Or at least I hope I will finish… I live not in my native country, I never understood this language, that is being used here. For so many years I couldn’t learn it… I just couldn’t. All these long 12 years of school were hell. So many times I thought about ending all my problems with just one cut… But every time I thought about it I always started experiencing fear. But this time… This is the final year in school, soon will be the exams and good bye this awful country… That’s what I thought at least. But the more days have passed, the more I thought that I won’t be able to accomplish this. I can’t speak or write on this language, the teacher also ignored and ignoring me.. So of course, in the end of the half-year I got bad grades… And since I didn’t get at least a minimum, I won’t be permitted to come to the exams, I failed… All these years of school were for nothing, I failed to learn and now I failed to get the needed diploma, I lost my chance at everything. In classes 11-12 there isn’t a choice to go through a year again. So all these hellish years in school, all this painful life in this country.. It was all for nothing. And I am to blame… I couldn’t learn the language with others when I had the chance. I didn’t learn anything. And thus, came the price I guess… Because of all this, other teachers started pressuring. I failed everything and everyone. Bad record for the school, failed at the expectations of my parents, whom always cared greatly for me, but in the end it was worthless.  I failed… For some reason, I started to hate everything around me. The contacts with my friends are lost, guess I was too harsh on the words and, well… There’s no friend anymore. I started to hate my family. My parents did everything for me to be happy, but in the end I proved to be a worthless good-for-nothing son. But most of all, I hate myself. It disgusts me to look into a mirror. The more days pass now, the more pressure I get at school, at home – everywhere. I don’t see the future. I lost sight of it long ago… Now I only wish to see darkness, and to hear silence. I wish to cut myself from all these problems.. And this time I don’t feel fear. Not at all. Every day the kitchen knife becomes more close to me. I just can’t take it anymore… And, as it appears, my body and soul agrees with that…
2 comments
Hmm, you are actually in a good position… I don’t think you understand me hmmmmmm, You are leaving at grade 12 right? Thats a perfect price… fight now! survive and when all goes well then you can leave to a country you want to live in. In that country you know how its like living in a place where no one speaks your language but others don’t you have a key to greater happiness then others right now. But very well if you want to relive yourself with a knife and have no friends at least no one will be harmed. You can try to speak with them… Tell them your sorry for being aggressive and the you were aggressive because currently your not being well but don’t seem too pitiful or else people will just let go of you again (personal experience). Is this what you really want? a good life, a suffering life, suicide or all the other possibilities. since suicide is a final option think about it at least? 5 hours of thought before death shouldn’t matter especially since when you die your thoughts won’t matter any more anyway. but yes good luck brother with what ever you decide to do! May peace be upon you brother.
its not your fault if you cant learn a language, its a genetic defect if you find it easy or hard to learn something. just leave this difficult country that you says has ruined you, leave the those friends who you say youve ruined your relationship with. go back to the countries that speak your language and find some work there, there are lots of great jobs that dont require a good education and aid work only requires a willingness to help. ok so sure your probably not going to get rich too easily without a diploma but fuck money, everyday i see old miserable rich people in their homes as unhappy as the poorest man in the world
your leaving school so this is the perfect time to tell the world to fuck off and go and do what youve always wanted to do and prove to the world that education brings little more than stress and that you dont need money to go to great new places because strong legs and sturdy boots work jsut as well.