Rants 38+ years without hope. How much longer must I endure this pain? by blacknduglycaligirl 1/7/2011 written by blacknduglycaligirl 1/7/2011 38+ years without hope. How much longer must I endure this pain? 22 comments 0 Email Related posts Suicidal 10/18/2021 I don’t understand myself either 10/15/2021 My Story 10/6/2021 overwhelmed 10/5/2021 Ugly 10/5/2021 10/4/2021 I don’t know anymore. 10/2/2021 Distress Call 10/2/2021 To: The World, B**ch Mother Nature, and whatever... 9/28/2021 Soulmates as Teenagers 9/23/2021 22 comments z 1/7/2011 - 3:12 am I know. And I don’t. And I do. I have had it. And I have not. I do not want to die. But I do not want to live. That is the best way to describe it. In your case, in the limited information you provided, I do get the sense that it has reached the fulcrum of enjoyment or displeasure. Yes. I think we are all there. Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 3:21 am Yeah, I feel the same way… I turn 39 in four months and I never thought I’d reach 40 but it looks like I’ll have to now, but it goes against every fiber of my being!!! =( Log in to Reply bubbles75 1/7/2011 - 6:31 am Same here 35, little hope left and no wish to age any further. My best years are behind me, my soulmate doesn’t exist and I am bored with life. I do not want another 50 years of this but I can’t hurt my family…hoping for a disease I guess..I just don’t know. Why the hell was I born? Log in to Reply n o o m 1/7/2011 - 7:25 am 37 here,and lost all by best years from 20 onwards as a near recluse. Don’t particularly want to live past 40.I want to be young forever lol. Can I turn back the clock and start again please? Log in to Reply n o o m 1/7/2011 - 7:39 am Have very good memories of my teenage years though. After the nervous breakdown it all went downhill Log in to Reply bubbles75 1/7/2011 - 7:49 am Noom, your story sounds like mine. I really am not attached to life enough to want to go on living into old age, I have great memories of my youth and I would like to die now as I have nothing left that I want to do or be. My family keeps me back because I just couldn’t kill myself and leave them with the pain but I am desperate because I don’t want to live. Life to me seems like a sick joke. I remember that when I was a teen I already knew that ageing would be very hard for me..it just never appealed to me. I can only hope for a disease or something because 50 years of this life seem like a harsh punishment to me. Log in to Reply n o o m 1/7/2011 - 8:10 am we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year Log in to Reply blackqwert 1/7/2011 - 8:40 am Can everyone please stop with fish Referenes please. Your all in your prime when youe in your 30s. No one can turn back time.And have more experience about life now. You will be old one day but not now. Log in to Reply bubbles75 1/7/2011 - 9:11 am Blackqwert I don’t want to be old, I am tired already with life, I don’t like life and I have 50 years of it in front of me if something doesn’t happen…. Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 9:15 am Not everyone gets old, or has to. I could easily live for another 45 to 50 years too considering my paternal grandparents both lived till in their 90s… Log in to Reply blackqwert 1/7/2011 - 9:17 am SO you want to be immortal? young for ever is that what your saying Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 9:17 am But I don’t want that, the slow decay. I’d rather die young before everything starts to go downhill even more than it has, thank you very much… Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 9:18 am No, I want to die. I’m through with this world… Log in to Reply blackqwert 1/7/2011 - 9:30 am shelly some older people live’s are good. Log in to Reply bubbles75 1/7/2011 - 9:35 am @Blackqwert yes I want to be immortal but in a better existance, I don’t believe happiness on earth exists if not for brief periods of time. Basically life is a downer for me a non event, a boring never ending cycle of work-sleep and a bit of fun if there is alcohol involved. Sod that @Shelly me too I want to die, but I can’t hurt my parents so I am quite desperate at the moment as to what to do…I need to find a purpose but I am failing miserably Log in to Reply bubbles75 1/7/2011 - 9:39 am Blackqwert..some older peoples lives are good but it depends on the people and what life they lead, usually rich people or people that love their jobs or I don’t know…but not many people’s lives are good thats why 20 million people attempt suicide each year and 1 million succeed…I just want something different, something that doesn’t exist on this planet, not sure if it makes sense.. Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 9:39 am I know, and I know I won’t be one of them. Many of the people I admire are old; Richard Dawkins, David Attenborough, Diane Fossey. But I won’t be one of them, and the longer I stay alive the bleaker my life will become… Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 9:43 am bubbles that’s the bind I’m in, though not with family but someone I live with who’s chronically ill and isolated and who needs me round… Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 9:48 am I feel like I’m fucked if I do fucked if I don’t, I can’t win… Log in to Reply bubbles75 1/7/2011 - 9:50 am @ Shelly..it’s hard…I will bide my time and see how it goes but the pain is getting unbearable Log in to Reply Shelly 1/7/2011 - 11:58 am Yeah *hugs* totally same here… Log in to Reply justshootme 1/7/2011 - 1:06 pm WOW, here is my peer group. I’m 52 and have always been prone to suicidal thoughts, but for selfish reasons. Past age 40 it turned into What The Hell Am I Alive For and i still have no answer. Life is cheap, there are too many people anyhow, and the latest US elections would suggest things are gonna get a lot more hateful and narrow minded. I have friends – I don’t lead an awful life. I lead a pointless life with little joy. I’m tired of wearing this “yes everything is fine” mask when I really want to just drive off a cliff. I am staying alive ONLY because when I finally admitted my intention a few years back, it nearly destroyed my sister. I cannot commit suicide because of what it would do to her. But if I happen to still be here when she checks out – then I;m good to go. Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.