I’m generally awful when it comes to things such as this, but here it goes… Oh, and just a caution, this is going to sound very melodramatic so wince and move on where applicable.
Almost all of my problems that have led to me feeling suicidal all stem from the same thing; my inability to walk “normally”. For some strange reason, I’m unable to walk at the pace considered the norm, instead I will always walk faster. I understand that this must sound like a pathetically minor problem, but I seriously can’t slow down without stopping completely. The walking itself isn’t the problem though, the problem is that (no matter how much time passes) I’m mocked and treated as a freak by literally everybody I come across.
Because of the humiliation I suffer whenever I go out, I made the concious decision several years ago to remain indoors, unless I’m going school/college. In doing this, I only added to my isolation and soon began to take my anger and frustration out on myself (primarily by scratching and biting), though I had to stop after making the transition to college (since I only wear short-sleeved tops).
For the last couple of years I’ve been in a consistent state of depression, I’ve researched various ways to kill myself but have found none that are easily accessible and won’t cause others any trauma. I had a minor attempt during August 2010, though my failure has only made me feel worse.
And so this is my life, a worthless freak that’s unable to leave the safety of his home without being laughed at for something he cannot help, who has never got to experience friendship, let alone a relationship, who’s unable to speak to family about the most trivial of matters and who sits at his computer night after night fantasizing about suicide. Not to mention the various “typical” problems…
Just a side note: I’m a 16 year old male, turning 17 in April. Well, either you read the whole thing or you scrolled down to the end, either way, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
3 comments
Woah, you’re in college at 16? Are you in the US? Cause unless you’re not and college is something different in your area, that’s absolutely remarkable!
Do you use self-deprecating humor at all when you walk? Like, I dunno, just roll with it, stuff like when you’re done with class, “race ya back to the dorm!” then walk superfast to wherever and be sitting when they get there and ask the what took so long.
Or maybe your trait is endearing to some, or quirky and funny. Doesn’t have to be something negative. Have you called people out on this? Just letting them know you feel this way might make them think, “Well, I didn’t know i hurt him, maybe I shouldn’t” or “Wow, yeah, this is really shallow for me to judge him for this.” ETC ETC. You’ve got options kid. You’re gonna be somebody, kid, someday.
I agree with miguel. I mean the humor stuff could probably work but I think the just honest method would be the best.
I mean you already feel bad about it right? You probably always worry about what people are thinking even if you’re around strangers. I think you just need to get it off your chest, tell people you have in class. Walk along side somebody towards another class and just be like ‘oh yeah hey, I’ve got this thing where I can’t help but walk fast.” Act like you don’t give a shit and nobody else will bother to give a shit either.
The humor could definitely work after the honesty thing. Especially with girls. Ask to walk her to a class then stop her outside of class and take 3 seconds to tell her that you just always walk fast and you can’t help it. Then you should make light by saying so let’s race or something like that.
And anyone that gives you a hard time about it you should let them know that it’s a serious problem (again the honesty thing) and that you can’t help it or else you would. Most of them will probably stop making fun if you’re serious about it. The ones that don’t are just natural assholes. And everybody gets picked on those no matter what. So fuck em.
Again, honesty, and after you get it out there and are comfortable with it, go ahead and joke all you want.
“If you can’t laugh at yourself..” and all that. But don’t hide you’re insecurity with laughter, it’ll make it worse.
To miguel: I probably should’ve made that clearer. I’m in the UK and over here college generally means the education which begins at 16 (I think it’d be called Senior year in high school).
To both miguel and eternallyconfused: I’ve tried the honesty approach before in the past. Unfortunately, it never worked out very well. After telling somebody I can’t help it they often accuse me of lying, saying that I walk like that for attention (or other strange reasons), or they begin to treat me like a participant in a human freak show – neither of which is a rather pleasurable situation to be in, especially considering I’m very shy.
I should probably add that I imagine my walking looks very unnatural and, in all honesty, it’s too fast to even attempt to walk alongside somebody without stopping after every step I take.
Ironically, I’m somebody that hates to make a scene, and telling people how I walk generally attracts more attention than if I waited for others to go on ahead.
On a separate note, thanks for taking the time to read and respond, it means a lot to me.