I’m generally awful when it comes to things such as this, but here it goes… Oh, and just a caution, this is going to sound very melodramatic so wince and move on where applicable.
AlmostÂ all of my problems that have led to me feeling suicidal all stem from the same thing; my inability to walk “normally”. For some strange reason, I’m unable to walk at the pace considered the norm, instead I will always walk faster. I understand that this must sound like a pathetically minor problem, but I seriously can’t slow down without stopping completely. The walking itself isn’t the problem though, the problem is that (no matter how much time passes) I’m mocked and treated as a freak by literally everybody I come across.
Because of the humiliation I suffer whenever I go out, I made the concious decision several years ago to remain indoors, unless I’m going school/college. In doing this, I only added to my isolation and soon began to take my anger and frustration out on myself (primarily by scratching and biting), though I had to stop after making the transition to college (since I only wear short-sleeved tops).
For the last couple of years I’ve been in a consistent state of depression, I’ve researched various ways to kill myself but have found none that are easily accessible and won’t cause others any trauma. I had a minor attempt during August 2010, though my failure has only made me feel worse.
And so this is my life, a worthless freak that’s unable to leave the safety of his home without being laughed at for something he cannot help, who has never got to experience friendship, let alone a relationship, who’s unable to speak to family about the most trivial of matters and who sits at his computer night after night fantasizing about suicide. Not to mention the various “typical” problems…
Just a side note: I’m a 16 year old male, turning 17 in April. Well, either you read the whole thing or you scrolled down to the end, either way, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.