Â Â Â This is the dream I ha last night. Spencer is the guy I’ve liked for almost two years now. but I have no hope with him whatsoever. im not sure why he’s in this dream and i cant say i really enjoyed this dream. i barely understand it. the only reason I’m posting this is for Hannah and “Sucks”. you guys helped a lot.
Â Â Â The frigid air somhow got past my many layers of clothing and froze my skin. Turning my olive toned skin a little paler and pinker than it should have been. I breathed into my hands again and continued to walk, passing a lot of classmates on my way across town. I thanked god it was cold so I could have a good reason to cover most of my body. just like sports I had seasons; cutting seasons. Â during winter I couldn’t help but let loose a little and not have to deal with the constant stares.
Â Â Â Finally after walking I arrived at a small brick and stucco house with a tiny porch and a teeny black pug sitting in the yard. Spencers house. I smiled a little to myself as I walked up to the front door and let myself in. I came here so often that his parents no longer minded. I made my way up the stairs and crept down the hall towards Spencers room. I didn’t know why but being quiet seemed somehow apropriate. Listening at his doorway I heard a song playing that I didn’t recognize. It was a little heavier than I prefered. I felt a little worried though when I realize that other than the music, there was no other sound. So I quickly swung open the door. Instantly regreting my decition.
Â Â Â The first thing that regestered in my mind was the blood, there was so much! Everywhere. Then I noticed the body. At first I didn’t recognize it under all the blood, crouched in a corner, it’s head on it’s knees. The worst part was, it wasn’t moving. I hoped profusely that this form in the corner wasn’t Spencer. Please don’t let it be him.
Â Â slowly walked over to the corner and kneeled in front of the body, shaking in fear. It couldn’t be. No. He wouldn’t. I reached out towards him and paused. What if it was him?
Â Â Â The need to know overshadowed my fear as I reached the rest if the way and slowly pushed the face back and gently moved hi hair away from his face. There was no denying it now. “Spencer” I whispered.
Â I ran my hair down his face slowly and began to cry. Each tear tracing a line of wetness on my face before dripping down to join the drops of blood below me. “Spencer, please don’t go. Stay. Don’t go.”
Â Â Â Why? Why would he leave me? He’s gone. Forever. Why didn’t he tell me? He never really trusted me, did he? My sorrow half turned into anger at the thought. He couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t have lied all those times. He wouldn’t have not told me what was going on. He cared too much. I let him get to close and he started to care. He cared so much that it ruined his chance to get better. I killed him. I let him in and killed him because if it. Now he’s gone. My Spencers gone.
Â Â Â My eyes drifted around the room and I noticed the slightly ajar door that lead into his bathroom. Shakily, I got up and stumbled over to the door through my sadness and tears. My hand hesitated just above the knob but I still forced mysel to push it open.
Â Â Â I could feel my eyes widen. There was blood smeared on the floor and pooled in the sink. The medicine cabinet was opened and on the counter Â lay a pile of pills. And many empty bottles. Next my eyes settled on the bloody razor that lay near the stained sink. Everything seemed to drain away as I drifted over to the counterwhere the sink was.
Â Â Â Numbly I picked up a handful of the pills and looked at them beore quickly bringing my hand to my mouth and gulping them down. Next I reached for the razor. I couldnt hear the heavy music in the background. The only sound sound i herd was my heartbeat thumping loudly and painfully in my chest. I regretted each beat it took. Resented each pump of life sustaining blood it sent courcing through my body. I wanted it to stop. Now.
Â Â Â As I was thinking this I dropped my coat, lifted my shirt, and brought the razor to my stomach, not bothering with my gloves. The sharpened metal easily sliced through my skin. Drawing deep red lines across my stomach, which quickly started to bleed. Crying scarlet tears of hate and sadness.
Â Â Â I moved the bloodied steel to my wrist next an made a quick slash before moving the razor to my face, tracing a light cut on my cheekbone down to my neck and then on to my right collarbone. the pain was like a distant memory. I could barely feel it anymore. Then I went to my hip. Slicing deeply and watching the blood drip down over me. soon enough after I began to sway, feeling dizzy. I dropped the razor and somhow I made it to Spencers side before collapsing and passing out besides him. But before I blacked out I herd the door creek open and someone scream.
I woke up after that. thank god I did. I do like this guy but I’m not really sure how much. he’s helped me so much without web knowing. he’s one of the only nice guys left that that I know of…