I’m almost 42 years old, and I’ve been fighting depression since I was eight. I’m so tired. My counselor is a kind, sweet person, but I think she’s done all she can. Medication does nothing for me. My family and friends don’t want to hear about my struggles, and judge my depression as a character flaw if I talk about it. I feel very lonely, isolated, and as if I don’t have a voice. Also, I’m a Christian; I’m active in my church and I pray regularly, but there is no relief. (And I really don’t want to hear that I’m not faithful enough…you’d lose faith, too, if you battled depression for decades.)
If the only unforgivable sin in God’s eyes is blaspheming the Holy Spirit, and if Heaven is so much better than here, I don’t have a compelling reason to remain in a painful existence instead of moving on to a place with joy, peace, and love. Why does society force its agenda on us? If I had a physical illness, people would understand my desire to end my life. But, despite my long battle with depression, I’m expected to fight to hold on to a what has become a lonely, painful existence.
I’m not some young kid struggling with the loss of a first love. My life is at least half, if not 2/3 over. Thirty-three years of depression is enough. Please, I just want to go. Why should I bother to stay?
13 comments
Whoa Buddy, Slow down. Nobody wants to hear your hurt and struggles? I would LOVE to at least attempt to help you. Its worth a shot. :/
So I say before you do anything stupid, talk to someone. Like me for example.
So I made this video on youtube, maybe it will help you. My email is in it, so if you feel the need, email me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY4a1sLbgVM
My emails are:
Google: wlawsomenator2@gmail.com
Yahoo: wlawsomenator2@yahoo.com
Well, I hope you are still alive..
hi, i hear you. if you want to, please tell us more about yourself and your life so far. have you had anxieties as well? if you want i’ll add my email…
Senior, I have gone through more than you can imagine. Major depression, constant thought of suicide. You are not alone. Look, I care about you. I don’t want anything to happen to you. (That is why I am up at 2:40AM trying to help you. Lol.) But seriously mate, You are not alone. I have gone through a lot of what you went through
But if you mean events…
I can talk to you about that in private if you want. Don’t exactly want to put my life story up on the internet for the world to see, 🙁
I guess you have left mate… I hope to see you in heaven someday.
R.I.P. I tried to help, but my help wasn’t good enough. May everyone remember you. I bet you were a great person with a loving heart. Rest in peace.
we can talk if you want. I would love to hear your story. I am 24 and i also feel depressed…i relate to you…do you want to talk?
Age means nothing for a mental illness. But because of your age, i have to think your suicide have a lot more influence then you think….there must be a long list of people who will miss you. Id love to hear your story, am 23 myself and i like to think Ive overcome the worst of my depressen in my youth, but it never truly goes away
Hi zebrasoul
Sorry to hear of your struggles. I’m a 40 year old guy from Australia and I’ve had depression now for some 6 years. I’m also Christian and have wondered the exact same things you have regarding dying and going ‘home’. The world can have its money and crap for all I care as well. I’m hoping J will be coming to take us in the near future and we see end times coming to pass. Could be years away but then, we have also seen things take a sudden turn. Like World War I and II, there would of been plenty of skeptics who would never of thought the likes of Hitler and the Holocaust could of emerged with two huge atom bombs killing hundreds of thousands of people ending the war.
say something
Thanks, everyone, for your supportive words. I’ve been contemplating the exit bag method for about 6 weeks, and was even in a party supply store looking at helium tanks yesterday.
I’ve tried to find my place in this world, but quite honestly, I don’t feel that I have one. My siblings and I aren’t close, and most of my relatives view depression as a choice or a character flaw. They also equate the need for medication and/or the decision to see a counselor as a sign that a person is absolutely crazy and has no concept of reality. Therefore, I remain quiet to avoid their negative judgments.
Growing up, I was a bit of an outcast. I grew into an introverted adult, and have never been one to have tons of friends. Unfortunately, when I went through a difficult time of unemployment several years back, most of the friends I did have treated me like a leper and distanced themselves from me. A career counselor told me that their reactions were typical, but it didn’t make the rejection hurt any less.
Since then, I’ve been wary of forming new friendships and don’t get close to many people. The friends I do have often trust me as someone they can lean on & talk to. (I have a counseling background, which is sometimes to my detriment.) However, it’s never reciprocated. I do believe I’m a decent person, but I often feel as if others care about what I can do for them rather than caring about me as a person. To them, I am useful, but not valuable.
Although I’m involved with a decent church right now, I’ve been badly burned by supposedly “good Christian folks” and organized religion in general. My previous experiences keep me from having as much faith as those around me, and have caused a distance between God and me, even though I still pray and maintain a relationship with Him. I know that I’ve made mistakes in my life, and I’m not a perfect person. I also believe that free will (mine and that of others) allows things in this world to happen that aren’t what God wants for us, so I don’t hate or blame God for where I am.
Still, I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of medications that don’t work. My counselor is a great person, but I’m tired of the counseling appointments. I’m tired of being quiet about how I feel, and I’m tired of putting on my “everything’s fine” mask to avoid judgment and condemnation. In coming to this site, I just wanted a safe place to express what I feel.
I don’t know if/when I’ll end my life. I think about it every day, even though there are some logistical issues to work out before doing so. Truly, though…I do extend my sincere thanks to those offering support. Sometimes, a wllingness to listen is infinitely more valuable than any well-spoken, eloquent words.
i also feel similar, and i’m almost 40 years old