I posted a few days ago asking that you don’t try to talk me out of ending my life of crap and did not want to give you any of my bac.kground information so you would not try talking me out of it. Â I also stated that I would spend some time looking through posts to see if I could get any help from them. Â Well after reading through tons of posts I see that my situation is very different than everyone here so I will give you my story
First the good:  I am a 38 yr/old healthy male.  I have a job I don’t hate that  pays the bills plus a little spending money.  I have a great family that loves me and I get along with perfectly.  Sounds pretty good huh?…Now for my hell:  Outside of my family there isn’t a human on Earth that I feel comfortable with.  All social situatiations including work are a living hell for me.  For example last year I broke down and agreed to go to a baseball game with guys from work which I was not comfortable with but went anyways.  We had seats in the middle of the lower deck and the entire time I.was there I felt like everyone behind me (thousands of people) was staring at me and talking about me, making fun of me.  I felt an undescribable rage against everyone in the ballpark,  it felt dark even clostraphobic there was a ringing in my ears so loud that I couldn’t focus on anything.  I faked an emergency phone call and left before the first inning was over.  On my way out of the stadium I could feel everyones eyes on me wondering what my problem was.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, my rage was so intense that I felt like I was going to pass out and if you know the song by “Warrant”  “I saw red”, that shit is true, I saw red and my head felt like it was going to explode.  Now this was my most intense episode and it seems like the more people that are near me the worse it is.  I feel uncomfortable with just 1 other person but with 2 or more people near me I feel the rage start to the point I feel I will lose control.  Now put yourself in your everyday situation of meetings at work, going to the store, getting gas, and even lunch breaks at work.. you are surrounded by people and there is nothing I can do about it.
Why I think this is different from everyone else on this site: Â I hate to be harsh but most people here crave attention with multiple unsuccessfull attempts on there life??? Â How do you have a failed attempt? Â I can think of many, many ways to do it without fail… Â I on the other hand cant stand any attention at all. Â I feel most comfortable at home all by myself with no chance of people ever being there… if the doorbell rings I ignore it and they go away.
I appreciate the people who go.through these post and reply with positive comments because most of the time the writer just needs to see a person take time to read their post and comment on it. Â It is a quick fix and only last for.a short time before they feel the need to repost and get their fix again.
So here is your chance, Â tell me to go see a psychiatrist who will ask personal questions and pick at my brain and drive me insane, probably wouldnt last a full minute before I left their office and walked in front of a bus. Â Tell me to do what make me feel comfortable which is sit at home all by myself. Â Lose my job, my home, and shortly after, my life.
This is why I didnt want to give you my background, cause I cant be fixed and those of you who try to leave encouraging words to go on will feel bad because they could not help.
Thanks for trying anyways I have found this site to be extremely interesting and I will probably spend my last days here trying to.read every post and every comment to see if there is one other person who has experienced what I have.
Good luck to the rest of you…..
8 comments
I think you have social anxiety and are a misanthrope…
Have you tried meds? I get bad anxiety and they help keep you calm
I have never been diagnosed, if you ask co-workers or anybody who knows me they probably think I am completely normal. I am able to hide (act normal) my condition and I function just fine… my family of course sees subtle changes in me.
Not a misanthrope (had to look that up) I don’t distrust anyone or hate all human kind. I know in my mind that people probably don’t even notice me but it doesn’t matter, I still get the overwhelming feelings of discomfort then rage which I would never act on. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else.
I have felt like you, I have run away before by faking an emergency many times before…. You are right, what you are going through is nothing no one can manipulate with, no medication, no other people. It is a battle with yourself and completely a battle which you can decide which side to choose from. I presume you take the side of suicide? May it be a peaceful leave. If that is what you believe is right, may it go well with you.
Well that picture is quite clear, I suppose you must have heard of agoraphobia. That is something so old in literature that it even has a Greek name, agora meaning the market square, that is large open spaces crowded by people.
Havent’ you ? It is exactly as you have described it. But it can be treated. I knew of a girl who had that. She was working in a big shopping mall, and she felt as if the whole masses in the halls would turn into malevolent strange creatures frowning upon her, and she had to leave the store and left the counter unattended. But she was treated for months and found another job elsewhere without that trouble back again.
Wow, that is exactly what I have. Did not know there was a name for it. I really appreciate the help. I will research it and the way is treated and go from there. Thanks again.
Strangely enough I feel the same in terms of giving my story. Nothing can really be said to help. I think all we can really do is lie to each other. Force ourselves to keep up the facade of normality until it becomes us or until we forget we’re just pretending. At times, for me, it requires too much energy.
I think telling your background and story helps people relate to you and understand where you are coming from. I don’t think most everyone is on here just for attention. For some, we are the only friends and support they have.
As far as your condition goes, there is medication that can make your issues more manageable, but that does require seeing physicians and psychiatrists for them. If it helps to make life more liveable and the quality of your life better and overall more enjoyable, why wouldn’t you want that?