I’m not going to care about how well this is written or how long it is only about getting my thoughts out which is quite a relief. I have visited this site a few times before but this is my first time posting and i hope desparately that it will be my last (because my problems will be solved not because i will die). I also hope you will read this in itsÂ entiretyÂ despite its length.
I suppose that my life hasn’t been terribly difficult and i will say to the many who have coped with far greater tradgedies that I am deeply ashamed of myself for my inability to solve my own problems, but i am going to complain about them nonetheless. I am 16, middle class, have suffered no traumatic family abuse/losses/etc, average looking, and fairly studious and quite good at school. Though i had little glimpses of it before, for the past few months i have been feeling like their is something wrong with me and that i can’t talk to people or be social or anything. Though i am smart and enjoy playing videogames and such, i don’t think the problem is that i am geeky or awkward but rather that i am simply interesting and uncharismatic and people seem to ignore me.
I have many of what i guess i would call friends at school. When i talk to them they respond happily and eagerly and it seems like we are the best buddies in all the world. But then when in groups, they start talking to each other about parties and events and stories that i never heard of because I was never invited. They never address me about them or seem to realize that i could possibly have wanted to do anything. I just really realized that this was happening but it has going on for as long as i can remember, and i feel like i havent developed correctly and that i don’t have to tools to handle myself correctly in social situations. Though they are incredibly nice to me, i havent ever been over to any of my so-called friends houses except for like a sports pasta party which doesn’t really count. The simplest solution would be invite people over to my house, but my house is pitifully devoid of anything entertaining. The worst part is, i don’t even know what people together to have fun because i basically never do. For now i just try to hide this from the world because i fear if anyone finds out that i never do anything outside of school, they will look at me like something is wrong with me, but this hiding does nothing to help my situation.
Before, i used to think that this was so because i was very focused on school but then i realized something. Many of my friends are pretty much just as good as school and me and yet they have fun and party and have girlfriends and lives and are wonderful charismatic people. Last year, i asked a girl to homecoming, and she said no. I was kinda sad but notÂ particularlyÂ surprisedÂ because i didn’t really know her that well so i got over it fairly quickly because honestly, who would go to homecoming with someone you don’t really know. This year my friend, who is similarly looking to me and who also didn’t really know her asked her to homecoming and she said yes (they are now happily dating and i wish them the best). I didn’t go to homecoming. I sat at home blowing out my eardrums with emotional songs and got through the weekend. OnÂ Monday, i heard tale after tale of homecoming adventures and stories and hookups gossip parties and the rest. I cut myself after i got home from school. I cut myself because i couldnt understand why everyone else could have lives and i couldn’t. Why do i always sit at home while everyone else is off enjoying themselves and hanging out and dating and getting intro trouble like teenagers are supposed to. Obviously cutting myself wouldn’t help with any of this and i knew that. And rather than making me “feel something” or whatever its supposed to do the adrenaline/endorphins/whatever just freaked me out and got me really jittery until it wore off.
Since then, i have continued to cut myself and have contemplating suicide, not so much about actually going and doing it but thinking about what would happen to me and everyone else if i did and how i would do it and whether its ethical or selfish and things like that. I think the beautiful thing about suicide or really just dying is that no matter what ones feeling or how selfish suicide might be or whatever, it doesn’t matter if you actually do it because dead people dont feel remorse because they are dead gone nonexistant. This is oddly comforting, and when i cut myself i think i’ll either be fine or i’ll hit an important vein and die and then i wont care, but i still take care to avoid this, because my body causes me to spasm and freak out when i see the blood dripping out of my arm, and i dont think i let myself bleed out without intervening somehow.
When i take an honest look at where my life is heading, i expect to finish highschool with the same amount of loneliness, then go to college and have the same problem. I will get a solid job and make a good amount of money. I problably wont get married because i dont think i have enough substance to talk to someone one-to-one for a half and hour without them getting bored let alone many years, and even if the cutest, nicest girl i knew had a huge crush on me i wouldn’t know what to do if my life depended on it (which in a roundabout way it might). As such, i wont have sex, have kids, or do any of those things, and this upsets me not because im all like “oh yeah i wanna get some” but rather because having sex especially for the first time is a really monumentous point in a person’s life. Anyway, i look at my likely future and then i see and hear all the stories of the eventful lives of my schoolmates and all the facebook picture uploads from parties and i feel like i should be going out and experiencing the world but instead im in my room or basement wasting away as my life slips day by day. And though i’m not currently considering it, i worry that i might start thinking more seriously about ending my life if this persists.
Well this is my story and i hope you read it. Mostly, i wrote this post because i wanted an outlet for my feelings and i’m not ready to talk to a counselor or therapist yet, because if i do, they are legally obligated to intervene and then shit gets serious. However, after seeing the wonderfully supportive comments on this site, i would really appreciate if people would comment so i can feel as though i am actually writing this to someone and because i don’t think i could handle being ignored by what’s kindof a suicide support group. Please don’t make religious comments/solutions because those aren’t useful and please don’t suggest suicide because i just might do it.